parenting

Let me guess: Nothing is putting a magnifying glass on your family’s imperfections like the current quarantine.

And the magnifying glass gets hotter by the minute.

Your toddler is banging his head and slobbering against the window, your tween has been communicating only in grunts, and your 8-year-old’s remote-learning viola lesson reminds you of a dying cat.

Yes, we’re all feeling it. Things got real…fast. And as a byproduct, family time just got a lot more intense.

We read words like “unprecedented” and “new normal” ad nauseam, but they fail to make it easier. 

We hear powerful stories around the world showing unity–whether it’s an entire city applauding health care workers or entire countries staying home to “flatten the curve”–but, at home, we’re still worried about an unknown future. 

And, at this point, despite knowing full well we should embrace this time with our kids, many of us are craving a little break (or two…or three…).

I’m here to tell you, though, you’re not alone. While we heavily engage in our online communities–whether through Instagram, FaceTime calls, or Zoom chats–there are also amazing parenting resources to help us navigate this pandemic with our families. (You can check out our free online Positive Parenting class for an excellent introduction to our 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training course.)

If you haven’t yet tried Positive Parenting (or aren’t even sure what it is), a time of heightened chaos and uncertainty is the perfect time to start. You’re already reinventing schoolwork, working from home, and creating a new temporary lifestyle. You don’t exactly have a lot of time, yet you have more time at home than ever to implement something new.

Parenting, even in the best of circumstances, is hard. So, if you’re questioning your sanity right about now, I know a few Positive Parenting strategies will help you and your family survive–and maximize–your time together.

Here’s why…

Positive Parenting Decreases Parental Stress

Whether we’re worried about paying the next bill, watching an entire life’s savings tank in the stock market, or more or less inventing our kid’s at-home school curriculum, things are likely more stressful right now. They may even feel entirely out of control. We might want to scream, cry, laugh hysterically with frustration, or just zone out in forced apathy. 

Positive Parenting counters stress and chaos by focusing on the things we CAN control– staying calm and…you guessed it…being positive. 

Try to Keep Calm and Carry On

Staying calm means when our kids don’t listen, we walk away before we start yelling. It means we take a breath and count to ten before responding. It means we choose not to fight fire with fire.

Keeping calm cools our heads while allowing us to parent intentionally and strategically. 

If you choose not to let your son’s refusal to do algebra infuriate you, you’ll receive less stressful backtalk. If you ask your daughter to take out the trash and she says “no,” you’ll dodge a heated power struggle by responding calmly with an alternative tactic rather than a fiery ultimatum.

Instead of driving ourselves nuts reminding and nagging our kids to get their work done, we can use the controlled When-Then tool.

“When you take out the trash, then you can watch your TV show.”

It seems overly simple, but it’s profoundly effective. Letting our kids determine when they’d like to complete a task makes the request less of a demand. It doesn’t let kids off the hook, but it does let them have a little more control. If they don’t finish the task, the TV is off-limits. When they do–in their time–they can earn back that privilege. (Please note this is not a reward. It’s an already established, routinely enjoyed privilege.)

This simple strategy allows parents to remain calm but maintain structure in a child’s daily tasks without heated debate and added stress.

Maintain a Glass Half Full

There really are ways to make this quarantine work in our favor, and focusing on them right now will be our ticket to happiness. 

Staying positive doesn’t mean turning into a facsimile of the crazy smiler in The Emoji Movie or ignoring pressing concerns. In fact, open communication about difficult emotions during this time will actually help our kids learn from the current world scenario and help them manage and overcome it. 

But staying positive does require a glass half full sort of optimism. 

Yes, we are cooped up with our kids more than usual. Yes, our financial situation may cause us anxiety. Yes, our days are feeling more and more like we’re living in The Twilight Zone. But even as we ride this Covid-powered roller coaster, we need to think about what great things can come from it. And by staying positive, our kids will pick up on that energy. 

I know it’s easier said than done, but we can think of quarantine as an amazing chance for family bonding, a time to reach out to long-lost friends, and a time to get creative and do things we’ve long put off.

A family paint night that you’ve imagined for months can finally happen when you purchase those paint supplies online, or you can finally learn to play chess with your ten-year-old through an online tutorial. 

This isn’t to suggest that family activities won’t have their own drawbacks–like tantrums of epic proportions when toddlers lose a game of Go Fish, or teenagers choosing not to participate in family movie night. 

It’s just important to remember that this quarantine has silver linings that will benefit us all.

Focus on an Increase in Cooperation

No matter the various levels of our current quarantine “lock-downs,” we want our family life to be a well-oiled–and happy–machine. When things run smoothly, kids will more willingly complete their schoolwork, the house can be (somewhat) clean, and we can work fluidly from home–all without wanting to strangle each other by the end of the day.

This means we need cooperation.

Power struggles affect every family on Earth. They’re frustrating, unhelpful, and sometimes inevitable. 

But with Positive Parenting, many power struggles are preventable. And with fewer battles at home, anxiety lessens, moods lift, and things get done.

One tool to encourage cooperation and avoid power struggles is to give kids a little more control. Throwing out demands left and right can send kids–and well, anyone–into defensive mode. So instead of being authoritarians, giving our kids opportunities to make a few decisions for themselves will give them less reason to complain, argue, and misbehave.

An older toddler will put up less of a fight at bedtime if you let him choose which of three books he’d like to read. An 8-year-old will feel empowered when you let him choose his at-home curriculum for the week (considering how lenient his remote schoolwork is). And a teenager will feel less angst if you let her choose which app she’d like to use to communicate with her friends (as long as cyberbullying and internet security are considered). 

All of these, in turn, will naturally make parenting a little less crazy in a whirlwind kind of time.

Positive Parenting Decreases Children’s Stress

Our kids are just as impacted as we are by the current changes this pandemic has created–particularly our teens and tweens. Whether it’s big events like spring recitals, lacrosse tournaments, prom, or even graduation, kids are missing out on memorable life experiences with their friends. They’re also learning how to navigate School Mom and Dad.

We may be frustrated with how our kids are handling their big emotions right now. But staying calm and positive will help them as much as it helps us. 

Embrace Encouragement

One way to help our kids manage their current situation is to use Encouragement. 

Encouragement is a Positive Parenting tool that puts ourselves in our kids’ shoes and focuses on the things they’re doing right. Sure, it’s justifiable to be tired of the bad attitudes and the lack of cooperation, but we can also take a moment to “read the room.” 

Our kids are likely disappointed they can’t attend Field Day or present their year-long science experiments. They might be faced with celebrating special occasions and birthdays without friends and struggling with learning at home.

The truth is, none of this is what any of us planned for or expected.

We can say, “Hey, Honey, I know how disappointed you are that so many things you were looking forward to have been cancelled. This Coronavirus has taken us all by surprise. Despite all of these changes, you’ve been working hard learning from home and assisting me plan and cook our dinners” (or whatever else may apply). “I’ve really appreciated your helpfulness.”

It doesn’t matter if children’s contributions are small or some of their usual good behavior has been lacking. Encouragement can pinpoint any positive effort and support it. Maybe your son focused 5 minutes longer on his English homework today than yesterday, or your young daughter finally put her games away. 

We can also use Encouragement by asking our kids to think of solutions to their recent disappointments. Although the solutions may not be as amazing as they’d hoped, they can still be special.

Maybe those birthdays they’re missing with their friends can be celebrated via surprise drive-bys with shouts, waves, and confetti. Maybe graduation can be a small family affair with a backyard Pomp and Circumstance ceremony and hand-made diploma (followed by take-out from a favorite restaurant).

We can help our kids with serious cases of FOMO (or with the FOMO we have FOR them!) by celebrating the smaller things in life. It’s another one of the greatest gifts this quarantine can give us, and it may even help oft-entitled kids feel more grateful than ever.

By using Encouragement, we’re not indulging pity parties or ignoring bad behavior. We are simply showing compassion. And by modeling compassion, we can expect our kids to feel sympathy for others who may be suffering greatly during this time, like healthcare workers and COVID-19 patients.

Give Them the Attention They Crave

One foundational belief of Positive Parenting is that kids have an innate need to feel significant. This means they need to be reminded of their self-worth, capabilities, and the value they bring to the family. These reassurances are even more imperative during a time of change and uncertainty–just like we’re experiencing now.

Has your 5-year-old been talking your ear off or yelling outlandishly every time you call to check on a relative? Is your 11-year-old misbehaving more than usual? Or, is your teenager doing things just to elicit a reaction?

Chances are, your children are stressed. They may feel less valued because we’re more distant or distracted than usual.

We’re already spending at least 50% more time with our kids each day than (possibly) ever before, so how could they need more attention? And how can we possibly give it? 

The thing is, in order to feel truly valued, kids need daily one-on-one time with us where we engage in something they want to do. Although this time with each parent needs to be undistracted, it doesn’t have to take long. For busy families, even 10-15 minute chunks of time can be sufficient. 

For young kids, one-on-one time might include playing house or building a couch fort. For older kids, it might be talking in-depth about the latest video game. Remember–the activity is their choice.

We can’t count at-home schooling or family game night as one-on-one time because it doesn’t focus on kids and their interests individually. But when we take the time to do it, it makes a huge difference in our children’s stress levels and their behaviors. (We might even be able to have a phone conversation in peace.)

We Can Focus on Justifiable–and Fair–Consequences

This more-than-usual family time is all well and good, but kids are still going to be kids, and parents are still going to “lose it” once in a while.

We can’t expect things to be perfect or to find a new balance with work/school/housework overnight. But what we can do is make sure that when things feel out of hand with a child’s misbehavior, we apply fair and effective consequences. 

Kids that don’t know what to expect are more likely to feel anxious. They are also more likely to find reprimands and punishments unjust.

If a child has ignored your requests to clean up the backyard, for example, an abrupt spanking will just turn resentment towards you. It will also fail to prevent further misbehavior. 

Positive Parenting focuses instead on Logical Consequences. 

Logical Consequences are unique–and effective–because they follow a set of guidelines that logically link the cause and effect of misbehaviors. With this link, kids perceive the consequences as fair and internalize them rationally and productively. 

Sounds great, right?

I know–your 6-year-old isn’t going to suddenly appreciate you taking her toy away when she hits her brother with it; nor will your teenager graciously relinquish his phone privileges after breaking the rules and texting late at night. But, your kids will understand that the “punishment” (although we prefer to use the word consequence) fits the crime. They’ll more consciously grasp that their poor choices warranted your response. 

Logical Consequences are also fair because they’re revealed in advance. They don’t come as a surprise or add undue stress–something all kids could benefit from avoiding right now. This obviously won’t work in a situation that takes parents by surprise, like a child suddenly breaking quarantine rules by playing with a neighbor outside. But it can be applied next time, by warning the child that if she does that again, she won’t be able to go outside tomorrow (as hard as that might be for you). 

There is so much to learn about implementing consequences, which is why I’ve created an entirely free class where I’ll teach you the 5Rs for fair and effective consequences. I promise it’ll be the best hour you spend this week!

Positive Parenting Solutions is the Missing Village You Really Need Right Now 

We can’t see friends and extended family at a physical arm’s reach right now, but we need support more than ever. We’re lacking so many of our usual outlets, from coffee dates with fellow parents to toddler playdates with neighbors.

What we can do is rely on tried and true Parenting Success System tools that will help us navigate uncharted waters. 

By taking charge of your family’s quarantine through Positive Parenting, you and your kids will feel a lot less stressed and a lot more grateful. And while the quarantine is guaranteed to expire, these parenting tools never will! You’ll have acquired amazing strategies you can carry with you for the rest of your parenting journey. 

Take your first step towards Positive Parenting today and learn why life-long access to our proven 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training course will benefit you and your family for years and years to come.

When yours and mine suddenly become ours…a lot of changes occur. And if you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’re experiencing those changes at this very moment. You are now a part of one of the most prominent family structures in today’s society–the blended family!

I can assure you, I’ve worked with families of every style, structure, and size. Whether they’ve taken my FREE PARENTING WEBINAR or signed up for the 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program, you name it, I’ve seen it.

And though these families may look vastly different on the outside, I’ve come to learn that every parent–no matter what type of family they come from–wants the exact same thing. 

To see their family flourish!

But how?

Just as with any family, blended families face their fair share of tough parenting challenges. When navigating the muddy waters of co-parenting and step-parenting, the road isn’t always easy. But I promise you, it’s well worth the trip! 

Your new family can succeed! Using these 5 tips, there’s no reason you cannot become the positive parent you’ve always dreamed of being.

Tip #1: Make Time for Connection (With Each Child)

“You’re not my mom!”  

“My REAL dad never makes me take out the trash.”

“I hate you!” 

Do any of these sound familiar?

Maybe the stinging pain of a fresh divorce is still lingering in their young minds or the idea of having to answer to another parent is too much for them to handle.

Whatever the case may be, when merging two families, it can be incredibly difficult to establish a relationship with the children involved.

I know how hard this time can be, especially when all the kids seem to do is push you away. But believe me when I say NOW is the time to cultivate those relationships and establish a connection!

Here are a couple of ideas on how you can do just that:

MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® Activities

There is no better way to get to know your new children than by spending quality time with them. And there is no better way to ensure the children you already have continue to feel loved and empowered than by doing the exact same thing.

So what can you do? Incorporate what I call MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities (MBST)–with EACH child, EVERY day!

I get it, the life of a parent is anything but slow. And life for a parent in a blended family? Forget about it!

Still, I urge you to make time for MBST with your kids. It’s so important because parents who regularly incorporate this time into their daily lives see a positive change in their kids’ behavior! All you need is 10-15 minutes each day that you can spend with each child one-on-one, doing whatever it is they would like to do.

Put away the distractions and protect this time for connection. Schedule it on the calendar so kids know when it’s happening and most importantly, give it a name!

By giving this “special time” a label, kids will have a tangible way of describing your time together and you’ll get “credit” when you say, “I really enjoyed our Mommy & Avery time! I can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”

Not only is this a power-packed tool that will help you connect with each child, but it will also help cut down on the number of tantrums, attitudes, and general misbehavior you see from your kids. 

Of course, the reality of living with a blended family means that you may not see your children every day. If that’s the case, fret not!

Use FaceTime to chat about their day or read a bedtime story together. Send them off with a handwritten letter (one for each day you’re apart) for them to read whenever they’re missing you. Make a plan to spend extra time together on the days that you have them.

The bottom line is, there are so many ways you can still make them feel empowered, loved, and important–even from afar. 

Plan Special “Date Nights”

When you were getting to know your significant other, chances are you learned a lot about one another while out on a date. You asked questions, had fun, and allowed yourself the time to truly build your relationship from the ground up.

Why not do the same for your new children?

Of course, there are a couple of rules: 

1) Each date must take place outside of the house.

2) Dates must be planned in advance, giving the child (and you!) something to look forward to. 

Try taking them to their favorite restaurant for dinner or out for a round of mini-golf. If money is an issue, no need to worry–great dates don’t have to cost a dime! Perhaps you go for a bike ride at their favorite park. Or pack a picnic and hit a local hiking trail!

Whatever it is you decide to do, make sure you have plenty of opportunities to talk. Ask them about school, their family, and especially their interests. Then work those into your time together.

Does your new stepdaughter have a passion for dance? Maybe tickets to see The Nutcracker would make for the perfect Christmas gift. 

You can also ask them to teach you something new! 

Perhaps your stepson is an avid gamer? Why not make a connection and find some common ground while he’s showing you the ins and outs of Fortnite?

Whatever you do to reach out to your kids, just know that establishing an emotional connection takes time. But if you keep at it, persisting with love and attention, you’ll soon begin to feel the growing bond you’ve been longing for.

Tip #2: Set Up Family Meetings

Blended families ARE families–one unit! And when it comes to solving problems, getting along, merging schedules, and anything else you may need to coordinate, it’s best to work together.

Which is why I highly recommend setting up (and regularly sticking to) a family meeting.

Think of it like a business. Success comes when every person is on board. Family meetings provide a wonderful opportunity for every member of the family to get on the same page, connect, and problem-solve.

Pick a time–preferably the same time each week–to have your meeting and stick to it!

Then come up with an agenda. Are your son and stepdaughter constantly at each other’s throats? Are you having a hard time balancing everyone’s after-school schedules? Figure out what issues you may need to resolve and bring them to the table during this time.

Also, make sure that every family member–yes, that includes the kids–has a voice. Not only will this be the time you come together as one unit to problem-solve and connect, but you’ll also be giving each of your children a huge dose of positive power and attention by allowing them to speak their minds and be heard.

Lastly, make sure it’s FUN! No one wants to show up to a meeting where they are just going to get lectured. Have a snack and plan a fun family activity to do at the end of the meeting — even if it’s just a dance party or going around the table and sharing a favorite joke. 

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, be sure to review Step 6. Here you will find out how to structure family meetings, check out agenda examples, and get a detailed list of what elements MUST be in place to make the Family Meeting most effective.

Tip #3: Model Respect

The funny thing about kids is, even when you think they aren’t listening, THEY ARE!

Which is why you should always be mindful of the things you say around them, even when you think they aren’t paying attention. 

When talking about your step-child’s mother, father, or the child himself, it’s important to make sure you’re always coming from a place of respect. Children have a way of picking up on negativity, hostility, and anger. And just as you want and deserve to be respected, your co-parents deserve the same thing.

The same goes for the kids themselves! Respect your children and they will respect you. By modeling this behavior, you are setting a wonderful example of how your children should treat each other and their parents.

Now, should you find it impossible to speak respectfully to your ex, Christina McGhee–divorce coach and author of Parenting Apart: How Separated and Divorced Parents Can Raise Happy and Secure Kids–recommends using one of a few highly rated mobile apps designed to help structure communication for co-parents (such as CoParenter and Truece). 

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions Members can find more information on divorce and co-parenting as well as additional mobile apps in the Battle-Tested Blueprint: Divorce & Parenting Apart.

Tip #4: Don’t Play Favorites

It’s been three months and your step-daughter still refuses to give you the time of day. You want her to like you so badly that you’d do just about anything to make her happy. That includes letting her stay up late on a school night.

Before this new union, your children have always had a strict 8 PM bedtime with little to no issues. But it seems each night your step-daughter stays over, she protests. You know you shouldn’t give in to her demands, but being a step-parent is so much harder than you ever imagined, so you cave and let her stay up a little later. Could it be worth upsetting your other children if it means getting her to like you?

We know as parents it is not our job for our children to like us…but it definitely doesn’t hurt when they do. Throw a step-child into the mix? Things get so much more complicated.

When changing up the family structure, it can be very easy to show favoritism toward certain children (intentional or not). Whether it’s giving your bonus child special privileges to get them to like you, or placing your biological children on a higher pedestal than the others, playing favorites is never a good idea.

Especially during those early days of blending families, it’s very easy for children to develop an us versus them mentality. Don’t give them any more fuel by playing into the idea that some children are more highly favored than others.

Tip #5: Limit Your Involvement in Sibling Squabbles

Your children will not always get along.

I know, shocking right? 

The thing is, many parents often forget that the same rule applies for step-siblings. Siblings fight!

The important thing for a parent isn’t necessarily figuring out how to prevent every disagreement they may have–who would have the time?–but rather knowing when to get involved in their arguments…and when to stay out.

Limit your involvement in sibling squabbles.

And how can you do that?

First things first–prepare! Make sure every child knows your expectations for how to handle arguments. (Helpful Hint: This is a great thing to cover in a Family Meeting). 

Conflict resolution skills are something every person on earth needs to have, and there is no better time to learn how to handle conflict than with a sibling. So give your kids the opportunity to fine-tune those skills and learn to work through their problems together.

Pro Tip: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Step 5 for more on how to EFFECTIVELY stay out of sibling squabbles and how to turn sibling enemies into besties.

Of course, you should know when to give helpful adult intervention. Obviously, if the fight turns physical you would want to get involved. The most important thing to remember is that all of your children are siblings. So allow them to behave as just that–siblings!

Final Thoughts

Like traditional families, blended families are faced with a myriad of challenges when it comes to parenting. But that doesn’t mean they cannot be happy, successful, and thriving when given the proper tools to do so.

Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we want to support families of all styles and we want you to succeed. We offer positive parenting strategies for the exhausted parent, the frustrated parent, the step-parent, co-parent, and more! 

Whether you are having a hard time adjusting to life with new children, wanting to know more about how to parent positively, or are simply at a loss on how to continue forward with your kids–let us offer a helping hand.

I’d be honored if you joined me for a FREE ONLINE PARENTING CLASS, where I’ll show you how to get all of your kids to listen without nagging, reminding, or yelling. 

From our family to yours, we wish you the very best of luck with this new parenting adventure!

“I want a candy bar!” 

Your 2-year-old daughter stands screaming in the middle of the grocery store checkout line as you look on in shock. With tears flowing, fists clenched, and her piercing wail echoing throughout the entire store, she is the absolute center of attention. 

Your 9-year-old son sits in the backseat of your minivan, his arms folded across his chest in pure defiance. He had wanted to go to the mall with his friends by himself, but you insisted on going as a chaperone. 

“I promise, I will keep my distance,” you assure him. “You’re simply too young to go alone.”

However, your assurance does little to change his attitude. After spending the entire drive yelling at you for being so unfair, he’s now giving you the silent treatment. 

Your 16-year-old storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her as she makes her exit. “You’re being completely unfair!” she yells over her shoulder. 

All you had asked her to do was to fill up the car with gas after she finished using it. Was that so unreasonable?

You made it through the Terrible Twos, survived the Threenage years, and held on tight through all of the turmoil your Fournado brought about. Then, just when you thought the worst was behind you, you realized the cold, hard truth.

Tantrums happen.

Anytime. Anywhere. And at any age.

As a parenting educator, I’ve seen this time and time again. Exhausted parents wondering when their children will finally stop throwing tantrums. And for good reason! No one dislikes a tantrum more than a parent.

While there are plenty of tactics and tools parents can use to prevent temper tantrums from happening, there is no hard and clear rule that says tantrums are limited to a certain age group. 

In fact, even adults give in to the occasional tantrum every now and then.

While tantrums may happen at every age, they begin to look different as children grow. The crocodile tears and high pitched screams suddenly turn into eye rolls and slammed doors. The possibilities are endless and can be endlessly confusing for a stressed-out parent. 

So whether you have a toddler, a preschooler, a tween, or a teen, there is no better time to take a deeper look at tantrums through the ages than right now. Because when you have a better understanding of the role tantrums play at different ages, you’ll start to learn how to handle each one specifically; making your life–and your child’s–much less chaotic.

Toddler Tantrums (Ages 12 months to 4)

You are six months into being a parent of two and, so far, you are absolutely loving it!

Watching your 3-year-old become a big sister was nothing short of a dream come true, and now you feel as though you’re finally starting to fall into a comfortable groove as a family. Still, the honeymoon phase of having a new baby has come to an end as you’ve noticed a bit of jealousy coming from your oldest. 

It’s not that she doesn’t love her sister–in fact, she adores her–but it’s clear the baby’s newness is starting to wear off. You knew this would happen eventually, it’s only natural. Yet, as you watch your daughter kicking and screaming on the nursery floor, you feel unprepared to handle the situation. 

What happened?

One minute she was perfectly fine, the next a wreck. After noticing her baby sister play with a noisy toy piano–a toy that used to be hers, no less–she lost her temper and a tantrum quickly ensued.

“But that’s my toy!” she wails.

“Honey, you’re too big for that toy. It’s for babies.” 

You try to reason with her, but that only makes the tantrum worse. 

Yes, toddler tantrums can thrust any parent into a panic and have the ability to turn a perfectly good day into a total disaster. Still, you can’t say you weren’t warned… 

It seems everyone from your great aunt Mildred to the random cashier at the grocery store have been uttering warnings since the moment you announced a baby was on the way. 

You understand that tantrums are simply a part of the territory–especially during those early years–and you’ve known they were coming. The crying, the whining, the kicking, the screaming. From grocery store meltdowns to strategic manipulation, toddler tantrums come in many shapes and sizes.

Fortunately, you are not alone in your desire to end toddler tantrums. At Positive Parenting Solutions, we offer plenty of resources to help you navigate the early years. With some support and a little patience (okay, maybe a lot), you will be taming tantrums from big to small in no time.

School-Aged Tantrums (Ages 5 to 12)

You swore it would never happen but it did. They went and changed math.

You thought 2 + 2 = 4, but it looks so different now. It’s longer and so much more complicated. This is not the math you remember doing in elementary school. 

But times have changed. Now, you are forced to sit through at least an hour of torment each evening at the kitchen table, as you try and help your 8-year-old son figure it out as well.

Unfortunately, every night has become an uphill battle that usually ends in a fight between the two of you. He hates math and you’re not the biggest fan of it either.

Frustrated, you press him to work through each problem, urging him to try and understand–for you to understand. Eventually, he reaches his breaking point.

The math book slams shut, his pencil goes flying, and tears start to streak his cheeks. 

“I can’t do this!” he yells as he marches off to his bedroom. With the slam of his door, you hang your head in defeat. 

Something has to change.

It may look a little different than a few years ago, but this is a prime example of your son having, you guessed it–a temper tantrum! 

For most families, temper tantrums have tapered off dramatically by the time their child enters school. With age comes maturity and a stronger handle on mastering their big emotions.

Still, after-school meltdowns may still happen. Sometimes often. And why wouldn’t they? School is stressful after all!

Of course, no kid wants to have a meltdown at school for all of his classmates and teachers to witness. So he holds back, waiting for the moment he walks through the front door into his own home. His safe space. 

To you.

Oh friends, I know exactly how you feel. Especially when you hear great things about your child’s behavior all day, only to experience nothing but attitude, sass, and backtalk the moment he arrives home. Talk about frustrating!

It’s easy to see these tantrums as nothing more than your child exhibiting disrespectful, bratty behavior. But be careful not to judge too quickly! 

Tantrums happen for a reason. Although they may be more emotionally stable now than when they were toddlers, kids at this age are still working to get a handle on their big emotions–a task that takes years to master.

I encourage you to take a step back, show some grace, and approach these tantrums just as you did when he was younger. Help him to work through his emotions when he starts to melt down. Ignore any attempts at manipulation.

Above all else, be calm when he cannot. Over time, you will begin to see these new tantrums start to diminish.

And should you find yourself still scratching your head, lost in confusion? No need to worry! Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we offer a free webinar to help you understand not only why your kids misbehave but how to help them. 

Teenage Tantrums

“This is completely unfair!” your daughter screams. 

Slam! Her bedroom door closes with such force the sound alone is enough to rattle your bones, not to mention your last nerve.

She had asked to go to a party Friday night–a party you know will have no adult supervision. As much as you appreciate her coming to you first, you had to say no.

You find yourself torn. 

She’s sixteen and has shown an impressive level of maturity in the past few months. Naturally, you want to cast a wider net, giving her a little room to grow. Then again, she’s only sixteen, and her safety is as important to you now as the day you brought her home from the hospital.

So you patiently wait outside her bedroom door, allowing her (and yourself) a bit of time to cool off. Then you give the door a soft knock, hoping she will let you in.

Is there anything quite like a good old-fashioned teenage temper tantrum?

The truth of the matter is, tantrums look much different now than they did in those early years. Gone are the days of big crocodile tears, howling screams, and even physical aggression (thankfully!). But you’re certainly not out of the woods just yet.

Because this is where the attitude comes in. I’m talking about the eye rolls, the silent treatments, and, of course, the dreaded door slams.

The teenage years, in particular, can be a very turbulent time. With one foot planted firmly in childhood while the other steps anxiously into adulthood, your teen is stuck. Stuck between relying on you for everything and wanting to be independent. Stuck navigating the emotions of an adult with only the experience of a child. 

When you think about it that way, tantrums in the teenage years make a lot of sense.

When she was a toddler and had a tantrum, maybe you gave her a big hug and helped her work through her emotions. Or maybe you ignored it altogether. Now, as a teen, you find yourself needing to adjust your strategy a bit.

Now you want to focus on building trust. It may seem impossible, but having a trusting relationship with your teen will work wonders in getting them to open up and come to you when life’s problems seem to be piling up.

Eat dinner together, go on family walks, teach them how to drive. Make sure the time you have together–however little it may be these days–is filled with purpose. Talk and open up the lines of communication. You’d be surprised how easy it actually is once your teen feels like she can trust you with what she has to say.

And when tantrums do happen? Follow your gut!

Ignore the outburst when it feels manipulative. Give them a hug and help them work it out when it’s the result of an emotionally trying time. This is the age when most parents report feeling furthest from their child, but I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to be that way.

Despite their pushes, this is the time to help your near-adult child navigate some particularly muddy waters. After all, a teenage temper tantrum is not so different from your own occasional meltdown. 

There are just a few added hormones thrown in.

Final Thoughts

Toddler, tweens, and teens–it makes no difference! Tantrums happen at any time, any place, and any age. And no matter who you are or how long you’ve been a parent, dealing with your child’s temper tantrum is never an easy thing to do. 

However, we are here to help! Having an understanding of how tantrums differ (and sometimes are the same) at different ages is important in learning how to handle them. 

The Positive Parenting Solutions course is filled with useful tools and strategies to help you deal with temper tantrums of every kind, in every place, with every age.

Not sure if we’re right for you? You can always test us out first!

I encourage you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS where I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

I assure you, no matter how old your kids are, it is never too early or too late to learn how to tame the dreaded temper tantrum. We promise to give you the right tools and unending support.

When grief has seized control of our lives, we want to know–how long will the suffering last? When children grieve, the question becomes even more imperative.

Will the nightmares ever subside?

Will my son find joy in playing his instrument again?

Will my daughter smile again during our family game night?

We can’t bear to see them in pain any longer than necessary–let alone at all. 

Unfortunately, grief has no exact expiration. Nor does it play by the rules. The depth and duration depends on each child and each situation. And at least a portion of grief can stay with a child forever.

Many of us are familiar with the commonly referenced stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But perhaps fewer of us know that these grief stages, which can also be seen in children, aren’t set in stone. In fact, it would be rare for grief to ever appear exactly as these stages describe or in such a specific order. 

So, what can we expect from children mourning tragedy, death, and loss? 

Re-Defining the Phases of Grief

Perhaps the best way to define the progression of grief is that we can’t define it. Yet one reason the five stages of grief have become so widespread could be the sense of structure and reliability they convey. They offer sufferers specific feelings to look for and expect.

Even though we’ve established that grief follows no guidelines, it’s easy to understand that people still want a concrete prescription to turn to. One possible alternative is Dr. Alan Wolfelt’s 6 Needs of Mourning. 

In it, he describes what all mourners experience at some point along their journey. This includes: acknowledging the reality of the death, embracing the pain of the loss, remembering the person who died, developing a new self-identity, searching for meaning, and receiving ongoing support from others. 

While we can look for and recognize the processes our grieving children are going through, there are other common grief responses that children exhibit. 

The intensity of these responses can vary, and they likely won’t appear in a particular order. The emotions stemming from their grief may also range from confused, scared, and angry to anxious, depressed, and numb–and everything in between. 

Typical Grief Responses in Children

Regression in Behavior and at School

A certain amount of regression in grieving children is normal. A night-trained 6-year old might start bedwetting, or a 4-year-old might start sucking his thumb. 

A twelve-year-old that kicked the whining habit years ago might start up again. A teenager might forego her usual chores or avoid any extra responsibilities.

Unfortunately, behavior and progress at school can alter just as much as it does at home. A well-behaved pre-schooler might start getting in trouble by pushing friends on the playground or being disruptive at circle time. An advanced, all “A”s high-school student might start failing classes or forget to attend his extracurricular activities. 

While we want to keep our kids on track as much as possible, we can be assured that the sudden setbacks are very likely a result of the grief they’re weathering. They’re simply overwhelmed–both mentally and emotionally. 

It may be hard to see regression as anything but negative, but allowing grieving children some leniency is important. We can also remind ourselves that as children work through grief at their own pace, they’ll eventually return to the same level of success, independence, and functionality they had before their loss. 

Separation Anxiety/Clinginess

Grief is a time when children may not want to be left alone. Little ones might cry when we leave the house–or even leave the room–more than they once did. Older kids could choose to tag along with us on errands they’ve avoided before. 

When overcome with grief, children might find solitude not only intimidating, but unbearable. Maybe, after the loss of an older family member, they have a heightened fear of being abandoned. Or, perhaps they’re just afraid of their thoughts. Regardless, any needy, helpless, and unusually attached behavior reflects a need for companionship and emotional connection. 

Letting our kids stick by our side, and even enlisting the help of family and friends to play with or “hang out” with grieving kids can give them the extra dose of care, affection, and even distraction they desire. 

It’s also common for grieving kids to connect with a person, either a familiar face or a new one, that reminds them of a lost loved one. This can be beneficial and might fill a void–just as long as it’s understood that their loved one can never be fully replicated or replaced (which would also be an unfair–and impossible–standard for anyone to live up to).

Apathy or Withdrawal 

It’s not unusual for children to sometimes act as though a loss never even occurred. 

While children may appear unaffected by tragedy, death, or loss, this is likely far from the case. Maybe they’re unwilling to confront the loss just yet, can only handle grief for brief spurts of time, or are modeling the restrained reactions of their parents or caregivers. 

Children can also step in and out of grief more easily than adults. 

“Children’s grief is like jumping in and out of puddles. They can be very sad one minute and very happy the next. You need to give them opportunities to be both.”

– Julia Samuel, British psychotherapist and counselor. 

So while kids might be playful and acting normally one minute, they can also withdraw socially from friends and avoid activities the next. 

They may also seem numb to things around them–like being uninterested in the fun day at the water park you’ve planned, the movie their friends are attending, or the fact that grandpa and grandma are flying in for a visit. In this case, the grief–like depression–is taking the joy out of normally pleasurable events. 

On some level this is normal, especially considering the recency of the loss. But it’s always good to keep a close eye on signs of depression and anxiety. If you’re concerned, consider finding your child a counselor or therapist. 

Physical Ailments & Sleep/Appetite Disturbances

We know that common stressors can keep us up all night, morph into back and shoulder pain, and even appear as bodily tics and twitches. 

Imagine what grief can do.

We can expect a certain amount of sleeplessness, nightmares, and/or night terrors from a grieving child. We can expect a loss of appetite or bingeing on comfort foods. 

But we can also see grief in a variety of physical ailments. It might be a teenager’s headache that has lasted for days or a toddler’s frequently upset tummy. 

It’s helpful to know these physical responses can be common; but again, it’s important to see a doctor when we have concerns.

Guilt

Guilt is very common among anyone grieving death and loss, and children are no exception. 

Younger children, when they don’t fully understand the concepts of death, may feel they’re responsible for the loss–especially when they’re wired to be more preoccupied with their own needs and have the belief that everything in the world revolves around them. 

A preschooler who hit her friend–after she stole her toy last week–may feel she’s the reason her young friend tragically passed away.  

Older kids are also susceptible to guilt. A teenager who gave his friend the cold shoulder last month may feel partly to blame when that depressed, bullied friend takes his own life.

Naturally, it’s of ultimate importance to remind children they are not responsible for these tragic events. We need to also consider that it may take time and additional resources–like consistent counseling–for them to understand this fact. 

Interest in Death

Grieving kids might ask questions about tragedy and loss repeatedly. Young kids might become interested in dead things like the upside-down beetle in the driveway and the lifeless bird on the porch. Older children might become drawn to darker themes in books, music, movies, and video games. 

Even kids that aren’t dealing with grief are commonly obsessed with the morbid and bleak. They are trying to understand the world around them and the challenging concepts that even adults fail to grasp. 

A loved one’s death or personal loss just intensifies these questions.

Risk-Taking & Aggression

One of the most distressing aspects of grief is the possibility that children will internalize it in a negative way. 

Older children, especially, might engage in risky behavior. “They may drive recklessly, get into fights, drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes or use drugs. They may become involved in sexual activity or delinquency.” After a Loved One Dies–How Children Grieve by David J Schonfeld, MD

Younger children can also express their grief through hostility and/or self-harm. A 5-year-old girl struggling with anger from her parents’ divorce might start bullying her younger brother or try pulling out her own hair.  

Aggression, self-harm, and even suicidal thoughts can all emerge during times of grief. Naturally, it’s imperative to intervene in any of these situations with professional assistance as quickly as possible.

Psychological Changes

Another serious concern is the prospect of grief leaving life-long, psychological implications. Children are still developing mentally–with rapidly evolving brains, personalities, and intellect–and it’s possible that grief can leave an intense, life-shaping impression.

Studies of adults with various mental disorders, especially depression, frequently reveal childhood bereavement, suggesting that such loss may precipitate or contribute to the development of a variety of psychiatric disorders and that this experience can render a person emotionally vulnerable for life. This special vulnerability of children is attributed to developmental immaturity and insufficiently developed coping capacities.- Bereavement: Reactions, Consequences, and Care

Regardless of these implications, please don’t be disheartened. By no means is it a foregone conclusion that children struck by tragedy, death, and loss will have challenging futures. 

On the contrary, grief can strengthen children and give them a greater appreciation for the beauty and complexity of life. But, grieving children do need appropriate support from loved ones and constructive coping mechanisms to shape their grief as positively as possible. The book Bereavement: Reactions, Consequences, and Care, states that children with a reliable adult addressing their needs–including the need to explore and express feelings of grief–can adapt and overcome loss in a healthy, positive way.

Disenfranchised and Secondary Grief

Disenfranchised Grief

Not all grief comes from death or tragedy. Children can feel intense sorrow from a variety of other situations and need to process these changes the same way other grievers do. 

This is called disenfranchised grief.

It’s so-named because the cause of this grief isn’t considered–at least by society at large–a “justifiable” reason to mourn. Regardless, it is felt acutely by the person it affects and can’t simply be dismissed or ignored.

A 3-year-old could experience disenfranchised grief after the death of her pet gerbil. It could be a foster child distraught over moving to a new home. Maybe it’s your teenager, devastated after his girlfriend broke up with him. Or, it could be a preteen struggling with the reaction she received when she told her parents she’s gay.

No one, especially a parent, has the right to tell a child that his or her feelings are unworthy, unnecessary, or insignificant. No matter the cause, our feelings are often out of our control. This is especially true for children still learning to manage their raw emotions. Teaching a child how to cope with grief, rather than dismiss it, will help them more than anything. 

Secondary Loss/Grief

Secondary losses result from a primary loss. Essentially, they’re the collateral damage produced by death, tragedy, and grief. 

If your 10-year-old daughter just had to move to a new school due to your recent divorce from her father, the grief she feels from the loss of her school and friends would be secondary to the loss she feels from the divorce.  

Just like disenfranchised grief, secondary losses may not be accepted or appreciated for their potential severity. If we are aware of them, however, we can better prepare our children and ourselves to cope with these added stressors.

The secondary losses and disenfranchised grief of a family member or friend can also affect a child. We all know that depression doesn’t just hurt the people it affects. It harms all of the people that love them, too. So when a child’s parent or caregiver is grieving, whether it’s about bankruptcy, the death of a coworker, or a crisis of faith, children may grieve, too. 

When to Seek Help

If all of these grief responses are common, when is it important to seek help? Especially if there are no set guidelines or timelines for grief?

Again, any signs of aggression or self-harm need to be addressed by a mental health specialist immediately. But for other common, less severe responses, the answer is less clear.

One of the best indicators that children are progressing healthily through grief is when the intensity and frequency of their grief responses lessen over time. If a teenager is averaging a little more sleep each week, he is improving. If a 5-year-old starts playing with her friends despite frequent tears, then she is recovering.

But, what if symptoms persist–or escalate? 

According to the Child Mind Institute, “…symptoms that persist beyond six months or are very impairing can indicate that your child may need professional help to overcome her grief.” 

These symptoms can include the more common grief responses; from sleep and appetite disturbances to regression and apathy. If they worsen or linger longer than the six-month time frame, it’s time to seek professional help from a grief counselor, support group, or psychiatrist. 

Final Thoughts

Loss is both heart-wrenching and unavoidable at some point in all of our lives. While we hope our children will avoid exposure to death and loss in their childhood, we can’t always protect them from life’s most painful realities.

It could be a few weeks before they crack a smile or a few months before they laugh out loud. To a certain degree, some of the grief will always be a part of them. 

But with our help and love, grief will never define them.