parenting

Two Types of Tantrums: How to Tell the Difference

Young girl lying on ground having a tantrumYoung girl lying on ground having a tantrum

Young girl lying on ground having a tantrum

It’s 8 AM on a busy Monday morning and, once again, you are late for school drop-off because your six-year-old daughter is  refusing to get dressed.

“I want to wear my pink polka-dot shirt!” she wails.

“I’m sorry, Sweetie, but it’s in the wash. You’ll have to pick something else.”

You go through this every morning. Same problem, different outfit. You want her to be independent, so you allow her to pick out her own clothes–but lately, it just feels like one power struggle after another.

“But I want to wear it!” she yells, stomping her foot on the ground.

You take a deep breath and watch as the tantrum unfolds. She grabs a handful of clean clothes and throws them across the room, then sits on the floor in defiance, her face red with anger.

You wonder, how should I handle this?

Oh friend, I know where you are because I have been there myself. Frustrated parents from all walks of life have called out for help, which is why we created this FREE PARENTING WEBINARto help parents stay calm in exhausting situations just like this. 

As your own temper starts to rise you fight the urge to scream back at her. You’ve had enough of these outbursts and want nothing more than to walk away, slamming the door behind you. She has to learn that this kind of bratty behavior will not be tolerated anymore.

But is it truly bratty behavior? Is your daughter just trying to manipulate you into letting her wear the outfit she wants–maybe even skip school?

Or is this a different type of tantrum?

Believe it or not, not all tantrums are created equal. Science actually tells us that there are two very different, yet very specific types of tantrums that are determined by which area of the brain is firing at the time.

Think of it like a house…

The Whole-Brain Child

You don’t have to be a world-class architect to know that every worthwhile home must be built on a solid foundation. Progress starts from the ground level, with each layer being built upon the one before it.

Our brains operate in much the same way, with both an upstairs and a downstairs component.

In Daniel J. Siegel’s and Tina Payne Bryson’s book, The Whole-Brain Child, they bring forth the notion that the human brain–particularly a child’s–is like a two-story house. Even though the upstairs and downstairs portions are both parts of the same whole, they have vastly different purposes.

This makes a lot of sense when it comes to how your child’s brain is wired. Just like a house under construction, the downstairs portion of their brain–responsible for emotion and decision-making–is developed first. The upstairs portion of the brain–responsible for higher thinking and impulse control–takes much longer to construct. 

When your child has a tantrum, you can determine the type based on which portion of their brain is in use–the upstairs or downstairs. Understanding where the tantrum stems from will help you handle the situation appropriately.

Note: Looking for more helpful parenting resources? Be sure to check out my list of Best Parenting Books: Top Picks for 2023.

Downstairs/Meltdown Tantrums

Imagine…

You’re at the mall with your five-year-old son. 

After a sleepless night spent tending to his scary dreams, the two of you had a hard time getting going this morning. You needed to run a few errands around town, so you handed him a granola bar and rushed him out the door. 

The weather was gloomy and it started to downpour, backing up traffic all across town–why did you decide to go out today? To avoid the traffic, you chose to stop at the mall and wait out the storm.

You walk inside, dripping water on the floor, chilled to the bone. That’s when he spots it–the horse carousel. It’s his absolute favorite ride.

“Mommy, can I ride the horse? Please!”

It’s been such a rough day, you figure you’ll treat him to a ride. However, when you pull out your wallet, you find it empty of change.

“I’m sorry, honey,” you say. “I don’t have any money. You can’t ride today.”

His face darkens as he sticks out his bottom lip.

“But I want to ride it,” he says quietly.

“I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”

Suddenly, big tears begin to roll down his cheeks as heaving sobs rise up from his chest. He falls to the floor and slams his little fists into the tile.

You start to notice people staring–he doesn’t.

You try to pull him up into a hug, but his body goes limp as he cries even louder. As much as you try to stop the tantrum, nothing seems to work. Quickly, you pick him up and carry him toward the door.

All you want right now is to help him calm down. The whole situation leaves you feeling helpless and sympathetic.

*****

So what happened?

After a rough night with little sleep, and an even rougher morning with little food, your son hit a wall…and lost it.

This would be an example of a downstairs tantrum. Also known as a meltdown.

Just like a house, the downstairs portion of the brain was built first. It’s been there since birth helping control basic functions and emotions, such as flight or fight, anger, and sadness.

Naturally, the downstairs brain is very easily affected by outside conditions. In this case, the combination of little sleep from the night before and a rushed morning without much food meant a meltdown was not only possible, it was highly likely to happen. Not getting to ride the horse was simply the catalyst that set the tantrum in motion.

Helpful Tip: If you are a frustrated parent who has experienced more than their fair share of tantrums, please try out our free online webinar, where you’ll learn why your kids misbehave, how to institute effective consequences, and so much more.

Upstairs/Manipulative Tantrums

Now imagine…

You’re at the mall with your five-year-old son. 

After sleeping in this morning, the two of you enjoyed a filling breakfast of pancakes, eggs, and bacon, before hitting the road to run some errands around town.

The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and the traffic was light–all the ingredients for a perfect day–so you decided to make one more stop at the mall to enjoy lunch at your son’s favorite restaurant.

As you’re leaving the restaurant he spots the little horse carousel a few shops down. It’s his absolute favorite ride.

“Mommy, can I ride the horse? Please!”

He’s been so good today, you figure you’ll treat him to a ride. However, when you pull out your wallet you find it empty of change.

“I’m sorry, honey,” you say. “I don’t have any money. You can’t ride today.”

Suddenly, your sweet, well-behaved little boy is nowhere to be seen.

“But I want to ride it!” he yells.

You start to notice people staring–and so does he. This only further ignites his need to make a scene. He rushes over to the horse and hops on, wrapping his arms tightly around the neck.

“I won’t leave until I have a ride!” he yells.

With cheeks flushed, you lift him off the horse and start pulling him toward the door. He lets his body go limp and crumples to the floor. You can do nothing but stand beside him, wide-eyed in disbelief at how his attitude so quickly shifted.

You are frustrated, annoyed, and absolutely embarrassed by his behavior.

So much for your perfect day.

*****

Your son had a great night’s sleep, a full belly, and a good attitude. So what happened?

This would be an example of an upstairs tantrum. Also known as a manipulative tantrum. 

This type of tantrum is generally a display of power, used by the child to manipulate his parents into giving him what he wants. In this case, a ride on his favorite carousel.

It’s this portion of the brain that your son uses for higher thinking and planning, hence the manipulation factor. He knew–probably from past experience–that a public tantrum could get him what he wanted and acted accordingly.

Ironically enough, this same portion of the brain controls his ability to think calmly. But because it’s so much more sophisticated than the downstairs, it takes much longer to develop. In fact, your son’s upstairs brain won’t fully mature until he is in his twenties!

This also explains why meltdowns happen. When the upstairs brain isn’t working properly, it’s very easy for a child’s brain to lose control, unable to grasp the ability to calm down and think rationally. 

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Which Tantrum is Which?

Although there are two types of toddler temper tantrums, spotting the difference can be tricky. But knowing the difference is key because each one must be handled differently.

So how do you know which is which? Believe it or not, the biggest factor comes down to you–NOT your child.

That’s right. I’m talking about your reaction to the tantrum itself. How does it make you feel?

When your child’s tantrum leaves you feeling helpless or sympathetic, there’s a good chance it’s a downstairs tantrum. 

Why? Because the meltdown is something your child really cannot help. They don’t want to misbehave, but without the help of a mature upstairs brain, they simply cannot control their emotions.

It’s your job to help them work through their big emotions and be the calm to their storm. 

Kids do well if they can

However, when the tantrum leaves you feeling frustrated, angry, or irritated, it is most likely an upstairs tantrum. You know you are being manipulated.

Final Thoughts

As parents, we’ve all been on the receiving end of a toddler tantrum at one point in time. There’s nothing quite like them. 

Whether they happen in public–where it feels like every eye is glaring at you–or in the privacy of your own home, it’s never pretty. And certainly never easy. 

Having an understanding of which type of tantrum you are dealing with can help tremendously. Especially, if you have the right tools to deal with them. 

Fortunately, the Positive Parenting Solutions® course is filled with useful tools and strategies to help you deal with temper tantrums of every kind, in every place, with every age.

Feel free to test us out first by JOINING ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS. I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

Upstairs or downstairs. Big or small. Toddler or teen. It doesn’t matter what type of tantrum, I assure you, there is hope for each one. Especially when you’ve got the right tools in your belt and the right support to help you out.

When Children Grieve: 7 Strategies to Help Them Cope

Girl and man putting flowers on a grave in the rainGirl and man putting flowers on a grave in the rain

Girl and man putting flowers on a grave in the rain

From the moment we first hear their cries, we want to shield our children from life’s sorrows.

We know we can’t do this entirely, but we do what we can. We make sure they have fun, we keep them from getting hurt, and we tell them not to worry–“everything will be okay.”

Even so, tragedy, loss, and suffering inevitably hit home. 

It could be the death of a close relative or friend. Maybe there was a fire and you lost your home. It could even be your ten-year-old golden retriever that just lost a battle with cancer. 

The amount of pain, heartbreak, angst, and uncertainty we feel in the wake of a loss–or the anxiety we experience as we prepare to say our final good-byes to a loved one–is too much for any heart to handle. Then, as we’re managing our own grief, we need to help an innocent child process his or her grief, too.

We know we can’t control everything in life–especially loss and death. But here are 7 things we can control to help grieving children.

1. Offering Safety Through Normal Boundaries & Routines

When a child’s world is turned upside down through loss, we can provide consistency wherever possible.

By maintaining a normal schedule with familiar structure, we give our kids a sense of security and let them know, “You can count on me.” Unless they request otherwise, keep taking your son to soccer practice and attending your daughter’s pottery class.

While your gut instinct may say “he’s going through a hard time, I’m going to let him off the hook,” fight against this urge. It’s actually more helpful to retain a family’s normal rules and consequences than to let your child call the shots.

Clear expectations provide kids a great deal of comfort. They love knowing that someone is looking out for their progress and protection–even if they protest it.  

If there is an abnormal amount of pushback, consider that your child might need a little more flexibility based on the circumstances. But in general, maintain as much consistency as you can manage.

2.  Love & Attention

Here at Positive Parenting Solutions, our core belief–based on Adlerian Psychology–is that all children need to feel a sense of belonging within the family unit and need to feel significant.

As you can imagine, grief may take this need for belonging and significance and turn it up a few notches. If your son just lost a parent or a relative he heavily relied on, loved, and looked up to, imagine how he might question the new family dynamic or his new place in the world.

We need to focus on daily one-on-one time with grieving children, doing something they care about and want to do. It could be going to a trampoline park and briefly distracting your daughter from her grief, or answering all her questions about death. We recommend this one-on-one time for all parents and children–but for a grieving child, it is especially crucial.

Intellectually, we understand that our child’s sadness should be combated with extra doses of love, affection, and attention. But if we ourselves are buried in grief, these needs can be easily overlooked or unintentionally pushed aside. 

Please Note: We should follow a child’s lead during the grieving process. If he wants to be left alone more than usual, allow this too. Just make sure your child knows that when he’s ready, you are available to shower as much love and attention as he’d like.

3.  Letting Go of Certain Expectations

Grief is as varied as the children it affects.

While one child may relish getting lost in algebra equations, another may start failing in geometry class. 

Your son may want to talk incessantly about his deceased cousin, while your daughter yells at you any time you mention it. 

Although we want to be consistent with rules and routines, we also need to be flexible in our expectations. Changes in a child’s progress at school, sleep and appetite disturbances, dramatic fluctuations in mood, and even apathy are all common reactions to grief.

It’s also normal to see behavioral regression. A 4-year-old that’s been potty trained for two years might start having accidents. A 7-year-old might start throwing toddler-like tantrums

It’s hard not knowing what response to expect from a grieving child at any given moment, or what seemingly harmless activity could trigger an emotional reaction. Just try to remember that your child’s out-of-character behavior doesn’t mean you’re in for a future of defiance and power struggles–it’s probably just the grief that’s talking. 

Please Note: Although we should let compassion and patience be our guides during this process, if we do see signs of violence or other extreme types of behavior from a grieving child, we should seek professional help immediately.

Grief is as varied as the child it affects

4.  Modeling–but Managing–Your Emotions

If we fail to express our grief, our children may not feel inclined to express their grief, either. 

Modeling emotions teaches our kids that they aren’t alone in their feelings. It does help though, to limit catastrophic speech like “oh, how will we ever feel better,” or, “I just can’t handle this pain.” This can justifiably scare children and cause them additional stress.

Instead of saying, “I’m really sad today,” we can try saying “I’m having a sad moment.” Or, instead of, “I feel really lonely without our (loved one),” we can say, “I’m thinking about and remembering our (loved one) a lot today.”  

We should feel free to acknowledge pain, but we also want to show grieving children that it’s possible to manage pain, too–no matter how unbelievable that may seem at times. 

We also need to help them find healthy ways to express their grief. 

5.  Finding Grief Outlets

Anger-Relief

Sometimes in life, we need to scream into a pillow or pummel a punching bag. In particular, (just like adults) kids can experience anger and other big emotions during the grieving process. 

When grief, anxiety, and anger become unbearable, it’s helpful to suggest safe and effective ways for children to vent. 

We can take a ten-year-old to a karate class or give a toddler some old newspapers and boxes to stomp on, tear up, and destroy. We can put in earplugs while our teenager listens to Metallica on full blast. In essence, we shouldn’t be afraid to let our kids scream and steam like an old metal teapot (even if that means driving them somewhere isolated and quite literally letting them scream.)

Play

Young children often make sense of their grief through play. This means you may find your daughter in the middle of a nurse Barbie reenactment after her time in hospice with grandma, or encounter your son making a funeral procession with his toy cars. 

Embrace this sweet manner of processing loss, and play along if they invite you to–even if the tears roll down your face (after all, it could be therapeutic for you, too).

Communication

A child may want to talk at length about grief, or she may not want to discuss it at all. However, communication is always a healthy outlet.

If talking about death or loss is important to your child but is too hard for you to talk about just yet, encourage her to talk to a counselor or someone that’s willing to discuss it more openly (see Seeking Outside Resources below). 

Creativity   

Whether it’s writing daily in a journal, finger painting, or marching and playing in the high school band, creative expression is an excellent outlet for grief.

You can argue that many of the most brilliant, creative minds in history have worked through tragedy. Frida Kahlo, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Eminem…they all had to wrestle with some form of grief. Creativity arguably gave them that outlet.  

Creative flow can be an almost out-of-body, meditative experience. We can even forget about ourselves and our pain for a brief moment. We can also help make peace with something tragic.

Encourage kids to turn their sorrow into something meaningful and beautiful. If they have pursuits they’re passionate about, like basketball, dance, or even LEGO robotics club, we can suggest they focus on these activities and pour their emotions into their practice. 

If your child seems interested, she can even create something out of an article of clothing or special item that belonged to a deceased loved one. If your teenage daughter wants to take Grandma’s favorite dress and sew it into a blanket, you can assist her in the process. Even if your son wants to keep his cat’s ashes and paint them into a meaningful picture, that’s okay. 

The bottom line is, no creativity is too bizarre–especially if it gives grief some meaning.

Funerals & Rituals

People debate whether or not it’s appropriate to bring children to funerals. Again, we want to protect our children from pain. Depending on their age, we may also question whether or not they can fully handle and/or understand death and grief. 

If so, we are underestimating a child’s strength and emotional intelligence. 

Children may be innocent, but they are also fairly resilient. Even though funerals and other after-death rituals can be painful to attend, they are an important way to celebrate the lives of those that have passed. They also offer a chance for family members to express their grief together and to say goodbye to the deceased. Children deserve this chance as much as everyone else. They also learn about humanity from these rituals and processes.

“In respectful loss, we pass to children a reverence for the irreplaceable gift of each human life.”
– Sharon Holbrook, The Washington Post

Please Note: Don’t force your child to attend a funeral if they’d rather not, but don’t keep them from one, either. Your child can decide how involved she’d like to be.

6.  Relieving Kids of Guilt

Whether it’s a divorce or a parent’s or friend’s untimely death, many children feel responsible for loss. 

Misplaced guilt is common for anyone dealing with grief. We blame ourselves and may spend years trying to understand that it wasn’t actually our fault.

Children are no different. They need to be informed, perhaps repeatedly, that there is no way that they could have caused the loss. Even if your teenager’s friend died in a car crash on her way to your house–after your daughter invited her over–she needs to understand that she didn’t make that car crash. It’s not her fault. 

7.  Seeking Outside Resources

No matter what grief your child is facing, I highly encourage you to find outside resources for help. It could be a counselor, psychologist, support group, or spiritual leader. The National Alliance for Grieving Children is a great place to find a grief support program or counselor near you. 

While I hope I’ve given you helpful and tangible advice in this little article, I also know it is incredibly important to seek out people in your own circle who can be your hands and feet during this time.

Relatives and friends can provide extra nurturing and support–especially adults and friends your child is close to and trusts. Anyone that might make your child feel less alone in the grieving process is a helping hand for you both. 

Final Thoughts

Sorrow has at least one positive side effect, besides making us stronger and inspiring creative masterpieces; it reminds us what really matters in this life.

With these coping strategies, we can focus on the grieving children that matter more than anything and that need us so desperately right now.

It’s not going to be pretty, or easy, no matter what we do. It will also take time–who knows how long–and a small part of the grief may never go away. But it’s important to remind yourself that your child will smile again, laugh again, and flourish again. 

And so will you.

Title Image: Twin Design / Shutterstock www.shutterstock.com/photos

Is Spanking Harmful? Here’s What You Need to Know

Little Boy Hugging DadLittle Boy Hugging Dad

Little Boy Hugging Dad

A few generations ago, if you acted out in class, you could have been met with a paddle or yardstick to the bottom–and possibly gone home with bruises. But it wouldn’t have stopped there. It’s likely another painful spanking would have awaited you at home. 

Thankfully, today’s standards are more child-friendly. Many parents are abandoning certain, if not all, forms of spanking. And school corporal punishment–though not yet banned in all 50 US states–is mostly frowned upon. Still, many teachers, parents, and caregivers remain certain that spanking is a reliable behavioral remedy for unruly kids.

If spanking falls under the umbrella of corporal punishment, and corporal punishment is still legal in some schools, it might be logical to think that a certain degree of spanking–especially in the privacy of our own homes–is harmless.

After all, the spectrum of corporal punishment is wide. A light spanking or flick of the hand can cause far less damage than an angry strike with a stick–and the short and long-term side effects of a simple swat could be minor, some might think.

Spanking remains controversial because it’s a difficult subject to study. Researchers don’t have an exact way to differentiate between a family’s use of more severe corporal punishment and basic spanking. The causes and effects of spanking are also incredibly subjective. 

“Some research suggests that the effects of spanking differ depending on the reasons parents spank, how frequently they do so and how old children are at the time–so the conclusion from the meta-analysis that spanking itself is dangerous may be overly simplistic.” 

The Scientific American

We don’t want parents to feel overly guilt-ridden for spanking when they did so with the best of intentions–helping their children learn.

And we certainly don’t want to lump parents who use spanking into the same category as those who use more severe forms of corporal punishment or even resort to child abuse.

However, evidence still suggests that spanking has negative effects.

In the same way that doctors don’t encourage alcohol consumption during pregnancy, psychologists certainly don’t recommend the use of spanking. Why take a chance, especially if there are plenty of potential risks and zero proven benefits?

The Risks of Spanking

Continued–and Encouraged–Misbehavior 

It’s important to know that spanking of any degree can escalate a child’s behavior. It makes many kids obstinate and motivated to fight back. What’s worse, a child that’s misunderstood and discouraged long enough can begin exhibiting revenge-type misbehaviors. 

Let’s say a 4-year-old is spanked for drawing on the walls. He’s now mad because either he doesn’t know he wasn’t supposed to draw on the walls, or he really doesn’t understand why he can’t draw on the walls. After all, the walls are just standing there, all clean and white–aren’t they just begging for color?

He tries again the next day to draw his masterpiece because he figures yesterday’s spanking was a fluke. Besides, he really wants to use his new crayons, and as a 4-year-old, his ability to control his impulses is limited at best.

But, he gets spanked again. 

Now he’s fuming. He turns his anger–which he isn’t sure how to contain–towards his parent. This, in turn, inspires him to draw on the walls of the entire house; just to show how displeased he is. 

Naturally, this further escalates his parent’s response and everything gets blown way out of proportion. What was originally a spanking intended to make him stop coloring on the walls–evolved into another spanking and a lot more anger and frustration.

And what could possibly be next? Hopefully not another, even more aggressive spanking.

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Lying

Children who are spanked also tend to lie. 

Think about it. To a child, it makes sense to lie to a parent to dodge a painful or embarrassing consequence or avoid a parent’s disappointment. A little white lie–or even a big one–seems like the easier choice. 

We all want kids who tell the truth. But spanking undermines their motivation to come clean. If kids think they may be spanked for making a bad choice, why would they ever want to approach us with the truth? 

What if there’s something we need to know, like that our 4-year-old was jumping–uninvited–on the neighbor’s trampoline when she fell and broke her wrist? If she wasn’t supposed to be on the trampoline in the first place (especially without zipping the safety net closed and without adult supervision) and she’s accustomed to being spanked for not following instructions, she’s likely to hide the true cause of her injury. 

These omissions may not seem like a huge deal when kids are younger, but how will these situations play out when kids are older and the stakes are a lot higher?

Lying and spanking can become a vicious cycle. Lying can further motivate a parent to use spanking as a consequence, can undermine parent-child trust, and, ultimately, can damage the parent-child relationship by making children feel unworthy of our love. It’s best to choose a discipline strategy that doesn’t pose this risk.

Why Kids lie and How to Get them to tell the truth ebook

Aggression/Hitting

The Oxford Learner’s Dictionary’s definition of spanking is “a series of hits on the bottom, given to somebody, especially a child, as a punishment.”

A little “hit” on a child’s bottom may not be a life-changer and likely won’t instill life-long psychological trauma. Still, we want any discipline we use to be effective long-term–and we certainly don’t want it to be harmful.  

While we may be applying the Pavlov’s dog conditioning technique when we spank our children (through an attempt to make them stop their actions in fear of pain), the idea of teaching this through hitting is–at best–hypocritical. 

We certainly don’t want our children hitting us, or anyone else. Most parents would be appalled to get a call from school saying their son or daughter had been hitting kids on the playground. But from a child’s perspective, there’s no difference between being spanked and hitting a friend for taking away a toy. 

Despite even the best intentions, spanking teaches that hitting and aggression are appropriate ways to resolve conflict and vent frustration. So studies understandably show that children hit through spanking are prone to aggression. 

If a spanked child is showing aggression, it’s time to consider spanking’s harmful side effects.

Cognitive Effects

Spanking our children may also result in negative cognitive effects. 

A 2009 study from the University of New Hampshire said that children who were spanked had lower IQs than those who weren’t. 

Lasting cognitive effects on young, developing brains isn’t hard to imagine. After all, “…children who spend more time responding to conflicts…spend more time thinking with their primitive brain (which is mostly autonomous) than their cerebral brain, (which is mostly wired for logic).” Subsequently, “…they perform more poorly on cognitive tests designed to measure a child’s competency in using logic.” Ugo Uche, Psychology Today

A similar decade-old study from Duke University also concluded that children who were spanked had lower scores on tests that measured thinking when they were 3. The study went on to say “when parents use physical discipline through childhood, their children experience more behavior problems in adolescence.” 

While advocates of spanking usually insist there is a difference between spanking and abuse, it’s important to note these studies did look solely at spanking and not other forms of corporal abuse.

Adding Insult to Injury: Additional Effects of Spanking

It’s still likely that spanking with an object–like a stick or a belt–is going to be the most physically and mentally harmful to a child. But once again, what about a light spanking? Do we really need to worry about long-term side effects?

It doesn’t just matter how hard–or not–parents hit, or what tool may or may not be used. 

It can also be the intention behind spanking that’s a big problem.

Shame-Inducing

Shame is arguably one of the most uncomfortable feelings humans experience. It makes us want to hide in a corner, disappear, and pretend the situation never happened. 

It may seem like spanking a child with the intent of embarrassing and shaming her for her actions is teaching a good, memorable lesson. To some extent, embarrassment is just a part of life and a normal feeling to experience now and again. 

However, it isn’t necessary for a parent to shame or humiliate a child to make her understand she did something wrong. 

It isn't necessary to shame or humiliate a child
There are other much more effective ways to discipline our children that won’t lead them to believe they’re “bad kids” or make them feel unnecessarily shamed.

Public spanking is additionally humiliating for a child. Even though we often want to address misbehavior immediately and in the heat of the moment, it’s better to remove a child from public before dealing with the misbehavior. (This also gives both of you time to cool down and allows you to figure out what would be most helpful to your child.) 

Instead of spanking a four-year-old–in front of her friends and other parents–for opening her friend’s present at her friend’s birthday party, we should calmly take her outside and explain what she did wrong. It’s completely shameless–and much more effective.

Blameful

It’s certainly easy to blame our children for their misbehavior. After all, they’re the ones that came up with the bad ideas and executed them. It’s quite literally their fault. 

Even if it is their fault, there’s always a reason behind misbehavior. And blaming and spanking our kids won’t combat it.

Imagine your daughter screaming at her little brother. You enter the room just as she pushes him over. You immediately spank your daughter and blame her for bullying her brother. After all, she’s older and should know better. 

What you may not have seen was your son pulling your daughter’s hair three times before she’d had enough. 

We aren’t always there to witness what may have happened to cause misbehavior. Therefore, laying blame isn’t exactly fair. We also never know, without a doubt, what’s going through our kids’ minds. Even if a behavior is clearly unjustified, our kids are still learning how to manage their actions and emotions.  

We don’t want our kids to feel less worthy or less capable after misbehaving by inflicting blame. It just damages their self-confidence. Instead, we need kids to know that it’s not only okay–and normal–to make mistakes, but that those mistakes also help them make better choices in the future. 

This certainly doesn’t mean we should never apply consequences to misbehavior. Nor should we avoid teaching our kids self-reflection and humility. 
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But, instead of spanking your daughter and saying “What’s wrong with you?! You need to set a better example for your brother!” avoid spanking her and say, “I know you love your brother, and everybody makes mistakes sometimes. So let’s talk about what we can do differently next time.”

The thought of using a statement like this with a kid whose behavior is getting worse may not seem firm enough. But I’d like to emphasize that the kids who need encouragement the MOST get it the LEAST. This means the kid who always causes trouble and seems SO bad and is SO easy to blame–doesn’t need to be berated or spanked. Instead, he needs to be helped through positive parenting–and quickly. 

Angry/Threatening

To our children, we are big, knowledgeable, intimidating, and–to our younger ones especially–we are their world. As their guides, they rely heavily, and for a while even solely, on us. 

Because we have so much power, we can also–if we’re angry–be terrifying. Children are vulnerable, easily influenced, and prone to fear

When spanking comes from a place of anger, or even reaches the point of sounding threatening, our children are justifiably scared. We are stronger than them–a giant to them–and they feel powerless. 

Nothing can make a child feel further defeated than fear. And although we may want to “win” battles with our children over misbehavior, to do so in a way that makes them afraid, unsettled, and unstable? Now that can produce life-long psychological effects. 

The Harmful Effects Spanking Can Have on US

Unfortunately, the use of spanking can backfire and harm us just as much as our kids. 

Anything that adversely affects our children will adversely affect us. We want them to be happy. We want them to be healthy. We love them unconditionally. 

We also have the added responsibility of taking care of and parenting our kids in the best manner possible. So when our spanking causes them harm (or is ineffective at best), we’re left to pick up the pieces. 

Added Frustration

Nothing is worse than inflicting pain on our beloved children to no avail. When we spank our kids and don’t see any results, we are rightfully fed up with them and the situation.

Maybe we spank our kids and DO see some immediate results. But a few weeks later, the same misbehavior likely returns. The frustration from a lesson unlearned just adds to our parenting woes. 

Continued frustration can wear us all down, my friend. We need to be intentional about the discipline strategies we choose and make sure they aren’t adding unnecessary stress.

Remorse

Maybe we’ve spanked our children on occasion and haven’t felt an ounce of guilt. But when spanking increases misbehavior and decreases positive results, it’s also natural to question if spanking was the right choice. 

Guilt harms our confidence as parents and adds more unpleasantness to the emotional roller coaster we’re riding. 

My advice for you is to choose a discipline strategy that is not only positive and without harm, but EFFECTIVE. Our children will still learn tough lessons from positive parenting techniques, but it will be in a way that doesn’t risk harming your child physically or emotionally. Nor will it leave you questioning your choices.

Final Thoughts 

I’d like to share a quote with you from Astrid Lindgren, the author of Pippi Longstocking, that made a big impact on me when I first read it years ago: 

Above all, I believe that there should never be any violence. In 1978, I received a peace prize in West Germany for my books, and I gave an acceptance speech that I called just that: “Never Violence.” And in that speech I told a story from my own experience.

When I was about 20 years old, I met an old pastor’s wife who told me that when she was young and had her first child, she didn’t believe in striking children, although spanking kids with a switch pulled from a tree was standard punishment at the time. But one day, when her son was four or five, he did something that she felt warranted a spanking-the first in his life. She told him that he would have to go outside himself and find a switch for her to hit him with.

The boy was gone a long time. And when he came back in, he was crying. He said to her, “Mama, I couldn’t find a switch, but here’s a rock that you can throw at me.”

All of a sudden the mother understood how the situation felt from the child’s point of view: that if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone. And the mother took the boy into her lap and they both cried. Then she laid the rock on a shelf in the kitchen to remind herself forever: never violence. And that is something I think everyone should keep in mind. Because if violence begins in the nursery one can raise children into violence.

– By Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippi Longstocking. Originally shared by Vivian Brault, founder of Directions, Inc.

Although I understand many parents feel the need to spank their children, my years of work as a positive parenting educator have helped me conclude that spanking is neither effective nor harmless as a discipline strategy. 

It doesn’t matter if it’s a light swat on the bottom or a painful strike with a belt. Spanking will always be a risky way to teach children to behave. And why would we want to take any more chances with our children’s futures than necessary?

So, please–I encourage you to take the first steps towards positive discipline today.

And remember–never violence.

Not sure what to do instead of spanking? JOIN ME FOR A FREE CLASS. You’ll not only learn how to implement fair, effective, and non-physical consequences for your children; you’ll start shedding remorse and frustration over the methods that have failed to work.

We are here for you on this wildly wonderful road of parenthood!

Title Image: altanaka / Shutterstock www.shutterstock.com/photos

Bringing Home Baby: 5 Tips to Help Older Siblings Adjust

Little girl holding newborn baby and kissing foreheadLittle girl holding newborn baby and kissing forehead

Little girl holding newborn baby and kissing forehead

You can hear your four-year-old son down the hallway, his excited footsteps getting louder as they approach your hospital room. You’re cradling your newborn in your arms, so excited for the two of them to meet for the first time.

Your oldest bursts through the door and runs over to your bedside. He’s grinning from ear to ear. “Is this my new brother?” 

It’s the moment you’ve been dreaming of for nine long months. 

Your heart bursts seeing the two of them together. It’s obvious your son absolutely LOVES his new baby brother…maybe a little too much. 

It doesn’t take long for you to find yourself throwing out the same old lines:

“Careful, honey, don’t squeeze him!”

“No, you are not big enough to hold him by yourself!”

“Please, just leave the baby alone. He’s sleeping!”

The constant correction and string of “nos” start to wear on your oldest and resentment sets in. After all, it wasn’t long ago that he had mom and dad all to himself. 

“Can’t the baby just go back in mommy’s tummy?” he asks.

There’s no denying that bringing home a second child is completely new territory–for both you as parents and for your oldest child! Gone are the days of simply trying to figure out how to care for a newborn. Now you have the added responsibility of meeting the needs of two children.

Daunting as it may seem, it is completely normal for your oldest to experience some jealousy with the addition of a new baby. As with any big life change, it takes some time to adjust–especially for young children.

Here are 5 tips for helping your firstborn adjust to life with a baby sibling.

Note: We know that sibling rivalry is a big concern for many parents, which is why we’ve dedicated an entire session to this one issue. For Positive Parenting Solutions® course members, review Step 5, “Conflict Resolution and Sibling Rivalry.”

Tip #1: MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® Connection (MBST)

Those early days, weeks, and months with a new baby are something special. Hectic? Sure. Tiresome? Absolutely. But special, nonetheless, because that is the time you truly start to bond with your new child.

There’s nothing quite like enjoying those precious newborn snuggles while swaying back and forth in a rocking chair, or catching a strong whiff of that sweet baby smell as you give her a bath. 

Still, as important as it is to bond with your newborn, it is equally important–if not more so–to put forth the effort of making time for your oldest child–to reinforce his emotional connection with you. This is where MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness comes in.

Each parent should set aside 10-15 minutes at least once per day to spend with their oldest, one-on-one. Maybe your daughter enjoys playing with LEGO or your son loves coloring. Whatever it may be, let them choose the activity, and then do it together–without distraction. Be totally present in mind, body and soul for those 10 minutes with your oldest. 

Like medicine for misbehavior, MBST will give your child a healthy dose of much-needed attention. It also serves as a great reminder that they are still important to you, even with the new baby around. 

Note: Curious how you can manage MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities with a newborn? For Positive Parenting Solutions® course members, review Step 1 to learn the ins and outs of MBST and also see the Ultimate Survival Guide, “MBST: Your Secret Weapon for Better Behavior.” 

Tip #2: Try to Keep Their Routine

It’s easy to feel all alone during those 3 AM feeding sessions when everyone else is blissfully asleep, without a care in the world. But the truth is, a new baby is stressful for the entire family–including your older child. 

In what felt like the blink of an eye, everything in your life has suddenly changed. Sleep is disrupted, laundry is piling up, and your stress level has reached an all-time high.

Yes, change is certainly hard on us as adults. But it can be particularly troublesome for young kids because with change comes insecurity. 

Your oldest may find himself wondering: Do mommy and daddy still love me like they used to? Why don’t they spend as much time with me as they used to? Where do I fit in?

Fortunately, kids thrive on predictable routines. 

Want to provide a nice buffer from any negative feelings that may be sparked by the baby’s arrival? Make sure you keep up with the same daily routine he always had–or as close to it as possible.

For instance, does your child have a particular bedtime routine? Stick with it…but with, perhaps, one adjustment.

The addition of a new baby may mean a split in responsibility between both parents. While you both may have done bedtime tuck-in together in the past, now it may not be possible as one parent must be off with the baby.

Let me assure you, that’s completely fine! I would argue it’s preferable because it offers your child a big dose of one-on-one attention. 

So give him a bath, brush his teeth, read a book–whatever your routine may have been before–and make sure it stays the same each night. You’ll be amazed at the difference you see in your oldest child’s behavior.

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions® course members, review Step 3, Lesson 24 to learn how you can institute no-nagging, sanity-saving routines into your day.

Tip #3: Let Them Help

In many ways, kids are just like adults. They don’t just want to know that their contributions make a difference to their family–they need to know! 

This is a wonderful thing to consider when introducing a new baby to the family. After all, babies are a lot of work. It makes sense to let every family member contribute to their care, even the older sibling.

Be sure to find age-appropriate tasks your oldest can do in order to help care for the baby. If your oldest is between the ages of 18 months and 3 years, have him take dirty diapers to the diaper pail or give the baby a pacifier. If he is a little older, perhaps you let him help prepare the bottles or fold the burp cloths.

By allowing him to actively contribute to the new baby’s care, you’re giving him a hearty boost of positive power while also helping him bond with his new sibling. It really is a win-win.

Tip #4: Remind Them of Their Significance

A child’s primary goal is to achieve a sense of belonging within your family unit and to feel significant. Naturally, this can feel threatened when a new baby enters the scene.

Make it a habit to regularly remind your oldest of the important role he plays in the family–as a brother and as a son.

Try using encouraging phrases that focus on the effort he’s putting in like:

“I appreciate you helping me feed the baby.” 

“I can tell you really care about your brother/sister when you help me change their diaper.”

“Thank you for putting the baby’s clothes away. That makes a big difference for our family.”

By offering up a regular dose of encouragement, you’ll ensure that he is positively reminded of his significance to the family, and more importantly, the new baby. This will help combat any negative feelings of jealousy or sibling rivalry.

ALFRED ADLER QUOTE

Tip #5: Mind Your Tone

Just imagine, you’ve finally gotten your newborn to fall asleep after an hour-long bout of incessant crying. You check on your older son, who is happily playing with trucks in his room. 

Perfect! You’ve got at least five minutes of free time. Maybe now you can finally grab a quick shower.

However, just as you pull back the shower curtain you hear it–the high-pitched wail of your newborn being ripped from his slumber.

Half-naked and partially covered by a towel, you run into the nursery only to find your oldest beside the crib. His arm is reaching in between the bars, pinching his brother’s tiny cheeks.

You see red.

When an older sibling is rough or reckless with the baby–especially when safety is involved–it is natural to want to raise your voice. You may feel the urge to yell or shout, if only to get his attention and ensure it doesn’t happen again. But, be careful! 

Your tone of voice is powerful. Although it isn’t your intention, any harshness in your tone may be just enough to make your older child feel discouraged and therefore blame the baby for that feeling.

Instead, try to keep your voice calm but stern, especially if safety is at risk. A calm voice doesn’t mean your child gets away with it. You can still take time for training on gentle touch in the future and better yet, “control the environment” by putting a door monkey on your newborn’s door so your older child can’t get into the baby’s room during nap time. 

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But, staying calm in the heat of the moment keeps the communication lines open and allows your older child the opportunity to learn from his mistake (instead of fear the wrath of mommy). 

And, more importantly, your calm voice will ensure there aren’t any lingering feelings of resentment towards the baby. 

Final Thoughts

Congratulations! Bringing a new baby into the world is certainly something to celebrate, even if it isn’t your first.

And when it comes to big brother or sister, understanding that a little jealousy is normal goes a long way. Still, why not try to put a stop to the green-eyed monster before he’s reared his big green head?

Using these tips and the numerous other resources that our Positive Parenting Solutions® course offers, we’re here to help you navigate those early weeks, months, and even years of parenting multiple children. 

Want to see what we are all about? Register now for our Free Webinar: Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging or Yelling

Title Image: Dmitry Naumov / Shutterstock https://www.shutterstock.com/photos

4 Strategies for Dealing with Tantrums in Public

Young child throwing a tantrum at their parents feetYoung child throwing a tantrum at their parents feet

Young child throwing a tantrum at their parents feet

It’s an hour past your son’s bedtime, but sleep is the furthest thing from his mind as he throws his little body onto his bedroom floor. All he wanted was just one more sip of water.

He screams, he cries, he shouts. It’s nothing you haven’t been through before, but it hurts nonetheless. No one likes a temper tantrum.

You stand idly by, utterly exhausted, and think, “Is there anything on earth worse than this right here?”  

Of course, you know the answer. 

Yes. There is indeed something worse. After all, you could have an audience.

I’m talking about public temper tantrums. 

I’m sure you can just imagine it now. The snickering, the finger-pointing, the staring. Public tantrums are uncomfortable, awkward, and downright humiliating. But more than anything–they’re common!

In fact, you’d be hard-pressed to find an experienced parent who hasn’t had at least one mortifying tale to tell when it comes to their little one breaking down in the middle of a crowded place. So take comfort in knowing that you are most certainly not alone.

Still, just because they do happen doesn’t mean they have to happen. Because going out in public with your child should not be something you dread. 

Tantrum Prevention

Naturally, stopping a tantrum from happening in the first place is much more ideal than having to deal with one once it’s already begun. You know your child better than anyone else; what makes him tick and what sets him off. Now is the time to be proactive! Try and avoid a tantrum all together by taking charge and thinking ahead before ever stepping foot outside your house. 

Of course, even with the best preparation, sometimes tantrums are simply unavoidable. Even in public places. When that happens, it’s time to go to the next best option…

Tantrum Diffusion

In a perfect world, our children would behave like angels any time we went out in public. There would be no need to worry about last-minute trips to the grocery store or play dates that extend into naptime. 

But that’s not reality, is it?

Tantrums happen and, all too often, they happen in public. When they do, you may be tempted to yell, threaten, or cry yourself–but don’t! Instead, look for ways to diffuse the tantrum rather than fan the flame.

diffuse the tantrum rather than fan the flame

Here are 4 strategies you can use for dealing with tantrums in public.

Strategy #1: Be Prepared

When it comes to doing anything with children–especially going out in public–preparation is key.

Before leaving your house, make a mental checklist of where you will be going and what issues could possibly arise to trigger a tantrum–then prepare for them!

Does your grocery trip set off a tantrum each time you pass the toy aisle and not allow your son to buy a new Hot Wheel? Is your doctor’s appointment right across the street from your daughter’s favorite ice cream shop?

When tantrums start to arise, distraction is key. Having a few small games, coloring books, or toys on hand can help keep your child’s mind busy and a tantrum at bay.

Not sure what toys would be best to bring along? Aim for sensory toys! Not only do kids find them enjoyable to play with, but they are stimulating enough to help develop their fine and gross motor skills. Textured balls and shaker eggs are perfect for keeping your younger toddlers and babies occupied, while fidget spinners and silly putty are great for older kids.

It’s also equally important to prepare yourself mentally. Despite your best efforts, a public tantrum may still happen. If it does, set your intentions clearly beforehand: You are not going to worry about the judgment of others. Instead, you will focus on the needs of your child and the situation.

Knowing and accepting that a tantrum may still happen will help you remain calm and respond to the situation appropriately.

Strategy #2: Give Them a Job

You’ve tried and tried to put it off as long as you could, but your empty pantry and barren refrigerator seem to be screaming at you, “It’s time to go grocery shopping!”

And if that’s not enough, you have to bring along your four-year-old daughter, which makes the task so much more daunting. After all, her attention span is incredibly short and you’re looking at a minimum hour-long shopping trip. From experience, you know a public tantrum is likely.

You could just stay home. That half sleeve of saltines should be enough to live off of for the foreseeable future, right? 

OR, you could confidently go to the store…and give your daughter a job.

Who says grocery shopping has to be a chore?

Why not make it a fun experience by coming up with a grocery store scavenger hunt? Armed with a clipboard, crayon, and your grocery list, find fun ways to incorporate what items you need with scavenger hunt items she must find. 

Need to make a trip down the cereal aisle? Send her on the hunt for brands that start with the letter C. Looking for some fresh produce? How many green vegetables can she find? Not only will this game give her a boost of positive power from helping you do the shopping, but it should also be enough to keep her entertained for the entirety of the trip.

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Strategy #3: Control Your Reaction

As a parent, your reaction to your child’s tantrum can be a force for good or evil. I’m kidding, of course, but there is a fine line between overreacting and not reacting at all. 

On the one hand, an overreaction on your part could prove to your child that he can successfully push your buttons by acting out in public, thus giving him a reason to continue the negative behavior in the future. However, not reacting at all and ignoring your child’s tantrum may not be wise if he truly does need your help in working through his big emotions.

Like I said, it’s a delicate line to toe. 

In order to make sure your reaction is spot on, it’s important to understand that there are two types of tantrums: upstairs (manipulative) and downstairs (meltdowns).

According to Dr. Daniel Siegel, co-author of The Whole-Brain Child, Upstairs tantrums come from the more highly developed “upstairs” part of the brain used for logical thinking, regulating emotions and evaluating consequences.

With this type of tantrum, the child makes a conscious decision to act out and push the limits to get her way, and can also decide to stop acting out as soon as you give in to her demands. Simply put, these tantrums are designed to manipulate you.

With an upstairs tantrum it is best to simply not react so he doesn’t get a power payoff from acting out. Remove yourself from the situation–no eye contact, no talking down, and no negotiating. 

Downstairs tantrums deal with what Positive Parenting Solutions calls “meltdown” tantrums. These tantrums are controlled by the downstairs part of a child’s brain, which handles such tasks as breathing, blinking, and instinctual reactions. In this type of tantrum, the child has been pushed beyond his physical or emotional limit and “melts down” as a result.

Here the child is so upset he can no longer access his higher-level “upstairs” thinking, such as using any form of logic. Which explains why telling him “the blue plate is in the dishwasher” gets you nowhere when he’s tired and hungry after a morning of errands.

Your reaction to a downstairs tantrum is equally as important as your lack of a reaction to an upstairs tantrum. Here is where your child needs you to help him calm his big emotions while you make a mental note that you’ll want to do some training on managing overwhelming feelings in the future. 

Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Session 4 for more information on how to handle tantrums of any kind, at any place, and for any age!

Strategy #4: Change the Scenery

After a long morning spent running errands around town, you decide to treat your two-year-old to a Happy Meal and a trip to the play place. After all, he did so well behaving all morning.

Once the nuggets are eaten and the restaurant starts to quiet, you look down at your watch. It’s naptime.

You walk over to your son, happily playing in the ball pit and say, “Time to get out, sweetie. We need to go home for a nap.”

Suddenly, the sweet little boy you’ve known all morning is nowhere to be seen. His face squinches in rage as he starts to scream in protest. Before you know it, balls are being thrown, tears are being shed, and a full-on public temper tantrum has begun.

You can feel the other parents in the room staring at you. Some offer a nod of condolence–surely they’ve been in your shoes before–but most just stare, making you feel like an ant under a magnifying glass.

With the tantrum in full-swing and your anxiety rising by the second, the best thing you can do in the moment is to change the scenery. Find someplace in the area more private–perhaps the bathroom or your car outside–and remove both yourself and your son from the room. 

While it can be embarrassing walking away with a thrashing toddler hoisted over your shoulder, finding a more private place to deal with the tantrum will help calm your nerves and allow you to focus on helping your son without the distraction of an audience.

Final Thoughts

No matter who you are or how long you’ve been a parent, dealing with your child’s temper tantrums in public is never easy. 

We’ve all been there–fighting through the embarrassment, anger, sadness, and utter desperation that pops up when it seems as though all the world’s judgment is focused squarely on us. But there is help!

Not only can we help you find ways to stop tantrums before they’ve begun, but the Positive Parenting Solutions course is also filled with useful tools and strategies to help you deal with temper tantrums of every kind, in every place, with every age.

Feel free to give us test us a test run first by JOINING ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS where I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

I assure you, no tantrum is too big to handle. Especially when you’ve got the right tools in your belt and the right support to help you every step of the way.

Title Image: Lolostock / Shutterstock https://www.shutterstock.com/photos

Elf on the Shelf: Does it Really Improve Kids’ Behavior?

Elf sitting on shelfElf sitting on shelf

Elf sitting on shelf

Each holiday season, many of us hype up the endearing magic of jolly old St. Nick, his busy, benevolent elves, and his bottomless bag of toys. We adore seeing the wonder and anticipation in our children’s eyes as we paint the scene of Santa’s soon-to-be visit. We dream of our kids’ holidays being nothing less than the merriest and the brightest.

A mere moment later, we turn the tables and use the same holiday magic for chiding, warnings, and bribes. 

“If you want presents this year, Jackson, you need to stop whining!”

“You’d better follow the rules, Maddie–Santa’s always watching and listening!”

It’s understandable. After all, all we want for Christmas is the magic of well-behaved kids.

Many of us enlist help from an Elf on the Shelf to remind our kids that he’s keeping tabs and monitoring their place on the infamous naughty or nice list. We explain he’ll report back to Santa every night regarding their behavior. 

Sure, the Elf returns to a new spot each morning, often doing funny, silly things. But for many families, he’s partially there to warn children that a lack of good behavior leads to a lack of presents. 

Knowing that Santa’s Elf is constantly watching over them can create discouragement and anxiety for kids–especially for those who struggle with impulse control or who have difficulty making good choices. Most kids’ brains and bodies fire long before considering what the Elf may be reporting to Santa.

And let’s be honest–would we really withhold that new scooter or train set on Christmas morning because the Elf spied our daughter sweeping cookie crumbs under the rug?

Instead of an Elf that manipulates our kids with the lure of presents and unsettles them with a judgmental eye, why not use our little elf “helper” solely as entertainment and holiday fun?

Here’s how to really encourage good behavior; not just around the holidays, but all year long.

Ditch the Rewards–All of Them

Will your teenager shovel the driveway if you promise him money? Very likely. Will your young daughter smile for Santa if you promise her a candy cane? Quite possibly. Will your kids eat asparagus with the reward of your mother-in-law’s infamously dry fruitcake? Well, that might be a no.

The truth is, we give our kids presents and rewards for everything these days. Why? Because the promise of rewards is a quick and easy way to get kids to comply. 

The same goes for the promise of presents during the holiday season. The holidays can be an extremely busy and stressful time of year for parents and kids alike. We may notice that our kids are misbehaving just as much as, if not more than, usual. 

After all, ’tis the season for the same old whining, tantrums, and disobedience. 

As a result, many of us turn to bribes. With presents in the near future, it seems like an opportune time to hold them over our kids’ heads. But what happens when the holidays are over and Elf on the Shelf gets packed away in the attic? 

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we teach that short-term rewards fail to instill long-term motivation. We can’t maintain rewards throughout a child’s entire life for every good deed they accomplish.

We can’t afford it, foremost, but even if we could, it doesn’t teach kids that good behavior has better benefits–like success in school, helping others, and self-respect.

Instead, rewards make good behavior seem like a chore and, eventually, lead to entitlement

This doesn’t mean we aren’t going to buy our kids presents for the holidays or that Santa won’t be swinging by our house. Nor does it mean we can’t make a funny little elf do silly things on our mantle. But it does mean we shouldn’t dangle rewards like a carrot in exchange for our children’s cooperation

Please Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, please visit the Battle-Tested Blueprint, Say NO to Rewards and Praise. 

The When-Then Tool

One of my favorite tools to share with parents is the When-Then tool, which is a reliable way to encourage good behavior. 

If we use When-Then, we don’t need to constantly demand, nag, or employ an observing elf to get our kids to accomplish less-than-desirable tasks.

If we want our kids to clean up in preparation for Grandma and Grandpa’s annual visit, we can simply say, “When you’ve cleaned up your room, Maddie, then you can play with your LEGOS” or, When you’ve finished folding your laundry, Zach, then you can go to your friend’s house.”

When-Then works like a charm because it gives our kids more control and avoids power struggles. They can decide when they complete the task–which subsequently determines when they can enjoy their privilege. 

Even if it’s begrudgingly at first, they start taking on more responsibility. Because at this point, it isn’t us standing in their way–or a spying elf–it’s only them.

One big caveat: When-Then needs to be used with already established privileges, like a kid’s usual TV time or after-school activities. Otherwise, the “then” will just be perceived as another reward. 

Focus On Effective Consequences

If we want our kids to follow our rules, then we need to apply effective consequences

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Consequences that are unfair or unrelated to misbehavior will only aggravate our children. 

If your 11-year-old stays up too late watching Home Alone and tells you the next morning she’s too tired to play in her hockey game, expect her to meet her obligations by going to the game and experiencing the natural consequences of her previous night’s actions. She’ll likely endure game-losing fatigue, feel remorseful about her choice, and learn to never stay up late before a game again. 

Bringing Elf on the Shelf into the mix, though, (or in any way reminding her that her presents may be withheld in exchange for her late-night viewing) would seem unfair.

Fair consequences are effective consequences. And nine times out of ten, consequences aren’t even necessary. If we get to the root of the misbehavior, we can avoid them altogether. 

Give Kids Your Attention

One of the biggest motivators for misbehavior is actually a lack of attention

It may or may not be surprising, but to a kid, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. 

Imagine, especially during the holidays, how easy it can be to give our kids less of our time and focus. The holidays are about spending time with family, but the reality is much more chaotic. 

Because of this, our children may be feeling less significant in our lives (and more inclined to catch our glances by any means necessary). 

Kids don’t care what time of year it is, or how many presents we have to buy, wrap, and ship off to relatives. They are oblivious to the holiday work parties and potlucks we’re scheduled to attend. They may not realize how involved we are behind the scenes for their school parties, holiday programs, and teacher holiday gifts. 

They just want to spend some time with us this holiday season–and sadly, that can be really hard to do. 

No matter what your seasonal stressors are, the best way to make this time of year–well, any time of year–really valuable and misbehavior-free is to focus on one-on-one quality time with your kids. 

I always recommend daily, uninterrupted time together for a minimum of 10-20 minutes, doing something your child chooses. 

This is one of the most effective ways to battle common misbehaviors. 

Take Time for Training

Kids may be innocent, but we know all too well they aren’t born with perfect skills or behavior. 

If your 4-year-old is having full-on meltdowns every time she struggles to buckle her snow boots (ahem…because she’s already wearing gloves), it’s better not to get testy, yell, or remind her that the Elf is watching. 

A better solution is the Take Time for Training tool.

Your daughter doesn’t need to be bribed to stop complaining, nor should she be worried that Santa won’t deliver the My Little Pony she requested. She just needs you to take time to show her, perhaps more than once, that she should buckle her boots before putting on her gloves. 

It may mean we have to completely stop what we’re doing and calmly show our kids the process. It could be as simple as showing our daughter how to get dressed or demonstrating to our exasperated, and LATE, teenage son how to free up his car’s frozen windshield wipers. Taking the time for training solves common frustrations and keeps them from recurring. 

It’s so simple to think that we just need to spend a few minutes teaching our children what they don’t naturally know how to do. Yet it’s easily overlooked when we’re tired, frustrated, and busy (like all year round).

Final Thoughts

I realize that Elf on the Shelf is largely for fun and can brighten up any December morning with hilarious antics–unless you stayed up too late on Pinterest feverishly researching how to one-up your previous night’s elf display and now need extra coffee. 

But my advice? If we want to focus on better behavior this holiday season, let Elf on the Shelf stick to the jokes. (He’s more of a born comedian, anyway.)

All it will really take for a great holiday and beyond with your kids is just a little positive parenting magic. 

For more of our Positive Parenting “magic,” please join me for a FREE online class. You’ll be introduced to some basic positive parenting ideas that can really make a difference this holiday season–and beyond.