parenting

Ah, those pesky first-world problems–like when your distraught teenager can’t get cell service on your Thanksgiving road trip or when your toddler has a tantrum because you won’t buy him yet another toy at the store.

Most of us are raising our kids with more luxuries than we had growing up. Life is certainly hard, and growing up will always have its aches and pains, but in a generation full of materialism and entitlement, how do we tactfully–and effectively– teach our kids an appreciation for what they have?

If we constantly insist, “You don’t know how lucky you are,” or “In my day, I didn’t have the things you do,” it will just sound like pestering and make our kids feel like we don’t understand their problems. 

So, how can we help our kids be thankful in a way that really resonates with them?

As the holidays approach, there’s no better time to shift our children’s focus toward an attitude of gratitude. Here are 8 ways to encourage more thankful kids.

1. Implement Family Contributions

Maybe you’re in the habit of doing most household chores yourself. Sometimes, frankly, it’s just easier because it’s your way and doesn’t involve nagging your kids to do it. 

If we sense our kids aren’t grateful enough-either about the work it takes to run a household, the job we have that buys them clothes, or the car maintenance it requires to drive them all around town-then we need to increase their family contributions.

The first step to family contributions is to label them as such. The word chores sounds like a real drag, doesn’t it? Instead, when we label tasks as family contributions, it reminds our kids that these tasks actually help everyone out. They contribute to the family.

This doesn’t mean our kids will suddenly like the tasks at hand or stop whining about them just because we shifted our language. But if family contributions become routine, kids are more likely to stop complaining. They’ll also grasp how frequently these tasks need to be accomplished–like unloading the dishwasher and folding the laundry–and chances are they’ll earn a whole new respect for what their parents and caregivers do on a daily basis. 

Please Note: For Positive Parenting Solutions members, please review Sessions 3 and 4 in the online course for loads of strategies to get kids to do their Family Contributions without you having to nag or remind. Also, don’t forget about the advanced module on Chore Wars, where you’ll discover a simple contract to turn complaining into cooperating. 

2. Schedule Acts of Service

We all have good intentions to bake cookies for the neighbors, stock the local food pantry, or collect donations for the underprivileged–especially around the holidays. Unfortunately, our crazy daily routines tend to edge out these activities.

Consider making acts of service a priority in your family. Have a family meeting and let everyone brainstorm ideas for service activities that are near and dear to them. Then, schedule one or two per month–all year long.

Maybe your 4-year-old cat lover would like the family to volunteer at the local animal shelter. For Thanksgiving, your teen may suggest visiting and entertaining the elderly at your local senior center. You could even go to the park and collect trash together. 

When we make time for these simple–yet profound–contributions, the benefits abound. Our kids develop a stronger sense of community and connection to service work. They’ll experience the joy that comes from making a difference in someone else’s life. They’ll feel more connected to their families. And they’ll feel more grateful for the things they have.

3. Make Do With Less

It’s easy for kids and adults to get accustomed to the good life. The ease of things. The expectation that all our favorites will be in the lunchbox or that the newest gadget or gizmo will DEFINITELY be under the Christmas tree.

Unfortunately, this can lead to a life of entitlement and taking things for granted. 

Once a month, choose something your family can live without. Maybe you can skip pizza delivery for a few weeks, go without television for a while, or go without air conditioning for a week in July. When we “shut off” some of our conveniences, even for a short time, we realize how much we really have.

4. Look for Silver Linings

The next time an unfortunate situation comes up, focus on the silver lining.

The movie you wanted to see is sold out? No problem. Point out that you now have time to go sledding together instead. 

Kids missed the bus? Now you can have a sing-off in the car on the way to school. 

Focusing on silver linings is about having a posture of gratitude even when–especially when–things aren’t going well. 

Our kids are going to have endless ups and downs along their life journey, and if they don’t learn to weather the downs with some optimism, they’re going to struggle much more than necessary.

(Even though we want to mention the bright side of things, be careful not to turn lessons into sermons. Otherwise, our kids will stop listening.) 

5. Making Gratitude a Ritual

We can also focus on silver linings through daily rituals. At dinner, everyone in the family can share three things they’re grateful for that day. Our toddler might mention the yummy cookie he ate, or our tween could recall the new friend she met. Any positive is positive. 

When kids are older, they might prefer keeping a gratitude journal for daily reflection. Writing about things they’re happy about–especially before bed–can be therapeutic and help them get a more restful night’s sleep.

We can also get a big jar for the family and encourage everyone to jot their “gratitudes” on slips of paper throughout the week. When the weekend rolls around, we can read them out loud to each other and even make it fun by guessing who wrote what. 

We don’t have to wait for Thanksgiving for gratitude rituals. If we habitually focus on what we have and not what we’re lacking, we’ll teach our kids to foster year-round, life-long gratitude.

6. Give Encouragement for Effort Instead of Superficial/Flowery Praise

It seems like a good thing to praise our kids, right? To tell them how smart they are, how funny they are–all in an effort to relay our love and support?

The interesting thing is, excessive praise doesn’t make kids grateful. It makes them less motivated, more self-centered, and entitled.

Praise makes our kids feel awesome for a short period of time–like that Instagram post that got 200 likes–but it doesn’t last long. This is mainly because praise doesn’t encourage more important abilities, like hard work, perseverance, or appreciation for what it really takes to do well in school or in sports.

If we encourage our 10-year-old musical prodigy by saying, “I’m so pleased you practiced your violin so much this fall–that’s why your recital was such a success,” instead of saying “You’re just so amazing, I’m so proud of you,” she will appreciate that it was her effort that really paid off, not her natural skills. She’ll be less likely to take her hard work for granted and be all the more grateful for what she achieved.

7. Remove Rewards

In the same way, we should try to live without pleasantries once in a while, we should also quit doling out so many rewards.

Rewards are a lot like praise. They give kids a short-term hit of happiness, but they don’t produce long-term motivation. 

A 5-year-old kid who gets a lollipop for being helpful–every time we take him to the grocery store–isn’t going to be thankful for the food we’re buying for his survival. His helpful behavior will be based solely on that quick, instant gratification of the yummy lollipop. 

He’ll still have to help during grocery trips if we remove the reward, but we can make it fun and useful. He can learn to carefully push the cart, find food in various aisles, and help scan and pay for the food at checkout. He’ll become a little more cognizant of what it takes to put meals on the table and grow a little more grateful–even if he’s five. And the best part is, it didn’t take bribery to earn his cooperation. 

8. Model Gratitude 

One of the best parenting strategies we can employ is modeling the behavior we want our kids to adopt. This means stepping up and being even more generous with our own thankfulness.

Don’t miss an opportunity to say thank you to the cashier and bagger at the grocery store, the teacher when you’re dropping off your kids, or the overwhelmed waitress at the restaurant. And don’t just give thanks–be specific about how that person made a difference for you. Your kids are watching and listening to the details. 

It’s important not to overlook recognizing our own family members, either. We can give thanks to our kids when they hang up their towels without being asked and can generously give thanks to our partner and kids–even for the “expected” jobs they complete daily. Everyone wants to feel appreciated.

When our kids see us giving thanks, they’ll notice what a difference it can make in a stranger’s or family member’s day. They’ll naturally want to follow suit and share in those good feelings.

Final Thoughts

Studies tell us that the most grateful people are the happiest. And what’s the one thing all parents ultimately want for their kids? Yes–to be happy.

We’re facing an entitlement epidemic in our children’s generation. It’s something that deeply concerns me and even prompted me to write a book–The Me, Me, Me, Epidemic: Raising Capable and Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.

Entitlement is a problem that parents mustn’t lose sight of. It’s hugely ingrained in our society and an easy trap to fall into. It takes knowledge, foresight, and diligence to fight against it. 

Luckily, the strategies I’ve shared with you will make a big difference in your children’s perspectives. And when times are truly tough, hard-working kids who are used to focusing on things they’re grateful for won’t struggle quite as much.

So, this season and beyond, let’s teach our kids what really matters. 

They’ll be thankful for it, and so will you. 

Want more discipline strategies that work? Join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS, and I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required!

Temper tantrums.

Are there any two more cringe-worthy words in the entire English language? Probably not–for parents at least.

Yet, it’s a fact of life. Temper tantrums happen–in children of all ages, no less! (And sometimes even in adults!)

You’ve been there. After spending a full day running errands with your toddler, you suddenly realize you’ve blown right past both lunch and naptime. 

You look at your child sitting peacefully in the back seat. He seems okay now, but you know from experience a storm is brewing. He’s a ticking time bomb, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. 

Ideally, you’d want to stop the incoming tantrum before it’s even begun. But sometimes that just isn’t possible. So what do you do? 

Or better yet, what shouldn’t you do?

Believe it or not, parents play as much of a role in temper tantrums as the kids themselves. The next time your child dives into the heat of a terrible tantrum, just know that you hold the power to determine how quickly it will end and how often it will reappear.

It all comes down to your response.

Here are four mistakes parents typically make that actually fuel temper tantrums rather than end them.

Mistake #1: Trying to Reason

You’re standing in the middle of aisle seven at your local supermarket; your red-faced four-year-old is screaming at the top of her lungs as her little body thrashes across the white tile floor. You just told her you wouldn’t be buying her favorite sugary cereal and she is not taking the news well.

Embarrassed, you look straight at your tantruming daughter, willing yourself to ignore all of the judgmental stares being sent your way.

“Sweetheart, please get off the floor,” you say quietly. “We don’t act like this.”

You’re met with nothing but more screaming. Your mind starts to panic as you try to think of ways to talk her off the ledge.

“It’s okay, everything is going to be alright.”

Still more screaming.

“Honey, this isn’t a big deal,” you reassure her. “It’s just cereal.”

Your logic is sound. It really isn’t a big deal…to you. But to your daughter? There is no bigger deal in the entire universe right now.

Finding reason in a stressful situation comes natural to most adults. Why not? Haven’t we spent our entire lives learning to do so? 

But trying to reason with your child during the heat of a tantrum–especially when it happens to be playing out in a public space–simply doesn’t work.

Why? Because in the midst of a tantrum, your child is in a state of heightened emotion where the ability to think rationally is furthest from her mind. You may be continuing the conversation in hopes of bringing her around, but that does nothing to help her come out of the tantrum. 

Instead, stay calm and remove yourselves from the area. Try to help her work through her big emotions by practicing deep breathing techniques, singing a song, or shifting her focus elsewhere. 

Mistake #2: Giving In

You know your son isn’t allowed to play video games until he has finished his homework and you’ve stood your ground–so far. 

In the past–and on better days–you’ve firmly upheld the rule: No video games before homework. But you’re so tired. It’s been a rough day, dinner still needs to be cooked, and he simply won’t stop with the begging. The pleading. The whining!

“Please mom!” he moans. “Just one game!”

“I’m sorry,” you say. “Not until your homework is finished.”

“Just one! I promise.”

“No, honey. You know the rule.”

“But all of my friends can play before their homework.”

“The answer is no.”

“Please, mom. Please! Just this one time!”

You sigh, utterly exhausted. You’ve stayed strong, but your son is relentless and you can feel a tantrum coming on. 

You start to think, “Would it really hurt to let him break that rule just this one time?”

Unfortunately, the answer is yes. It can absolutely hurt. 

Believe me, I get it. At times it seems nothing is worse than having to tell your child “no,” especially at the end of a long day when all you want to do is settle in and relax. However, by standing firm and then giving in you’re sending your son a very clear message: If you are persistent with your begging, eventually I’ll give in to your demand.

You know that despite his pleading and promising, it won’t  be “just this one time.” Giving in now will pave the way for your son to ask the same thing again tomorrow night, and the next, and the next. 

Do yourself a favor and stop that train in its tracks. Stand firm in your resolve and stick to the rule.

You won’t regret it in the long run.

Pro Tip: Use these 3 words to end nagging and negotiating!

Mistake #3: Losing It

As the old adage goes, “It takes two to tango.” And nowhere is this more clear than in the midst of a temper tantrum.

Staying calm when your child is having a tantrum may seem like an impossible task. When emotions are running high, it can be so easy to get swept up in the storm rather than calming it. 

Perhaps you asked your four-year-old to put the Legos away and get ready for dinner before he was ready. Now he’s sitting on the floor, screaming at the top of his lungs, and throwing Legos across the room.

Your first instinct may be to give him a quick spank on the bottom or shout, “Go to your room, young man!” But I promise you would only be adding fuel to an already blazing fire.

That’s because this particular temper tantrum is manipulative; a deliberate act on your son’s part because he knows he can use it to get his way. When you lose your own temper and resort to yelling, spanking, or getting physically involved, you are showing your son that his actions upset you. This gives him a huge hit of power. 

The attention you gave him may have been negative attention, but it was attention nonetheless–all the more reason to do the same thing in the future, right?

Mistake #4: Bribery

It’s the first day of school and your son would rather sleep in than make it to first bell. The fight started the moment you woke him up and his attitude has only worsened throughout the morning.

Now you’re stuck in the school drop-off line with a fuming child in the backseat, arms crossed, refusing to get out of the car.

You start to hear the honks coming from behind you. You’re holding up the line. 

Mortified you turn to your son and beg him to get out of the car and go to school. Still, he refuses. 

You feel a mixture of embarrassment, panic, and rage bubbling up inside you, but, more than anything, it’s desperation that truly grips you. 

“Fine,” you say. “If you get out of the car and go to school, I’ll take you out for pizza tonight.” 

You’re not proud to have resorted to bribery, but your son relents. Begrudgingly, he gets out of the car and walks into the school, leaving you free to exit the drop off line.

It worked. Or did it?

As tempting as it can be to bribe your child or offer a reward to stop a tantrum, it can actually backfire in a very big way. Now, in your child’s mind, you’ve reinforced the idea that if they throw a big enough tantrum, they will be offered something they want.

Final Thoughts

When times are calm, it’s easy to say how we, as parents, would respond to our child’s tantrums. Then, in the heat of the moment, all of our well-intended ideas go flying out the window and everything changes.

We try to reason. We give in. We bribe. We lose our temper. And then…we feel guilty.

I want to encourage you, because there is help! The Positive Parenting Solutions course was designed for parents just like you who are looking for tools they can use to help with the toughest parenting challenges–tantrums included!

Curious if the course is right for you? Check out our Course Tour. 

Still not sure? JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS where I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

We wish you every success in your parenting journey and are here to help you every step of the way!

Title Image: Antonio Guillem / Shutterstock www.shutterstock.com/photos

Your son just bit his sister. Your daughter ran her bike into your parked car. They both smeared toothpaste all over the bathroom walls. Oh, and when you stepped away for a few moments, they tried to stick a fork in an electrical outlet. 

The lowdown is–whether by accident or on purpose–kids are going to make bad choices. No matter how exasperating those choices are, it’s part of growing up. 

We certainly made mistakes in our youth–probably many of the same ones our kids are making now. We know it’s part of the human experience. 

The real questions are: How do we help our kids learn from these mistakes? What will help them be better human beings and keep them safe? Is there a particular discipline strategy that will have a lasting impact? 

Many people turn to spanking when these questions arise. Maybe you were spanked as a kid and it feels instinctual. Maybe you were spanked and think, “I turned out ok.” Or maybe you think the war against spanking has gone a little overboard and is just politically-correct, generational propaganda. 

Whether or not you’d like to keep spanking in your arsenal of disciplinary tools, it’s important to consider its usefulness. 

Is spanking your child actually improving her behavior, or is it compounding it? Even if spanking makes her stop her actions momentarily, is she learning what she should do differently next time?

Proactive vs. Reactive Discipline: Which is More Effective?

Parents can handle a misbehavior in one of two ways–through punishment or discipline.

In our online course here at Positive Parenting Solutions, we help parents understand the ideological differences between “discipline” and “punishment.” 

From a Positive Parenting perspective, the main discrepancy is actually quite simple. Discipline focuses on instructing and training our children in a PROACTIVE way, while punishment focuses on inflicting blame, shame, or pain for a past offense in a REACTIVE way. 

Because spanking responds to a behavior after it occurs, it falls into the reactive category.

Unfortunately, being reactive isn’t a great way to address the root cause of a misbehavior; nor does it stop a misbehavior from reoccurring. 

Being proactive, on the other hand, helps target the source of the misbehavior and focuses on creating a more sustainable solution.

Is Spanking an Effective Long-Term Solution?

Let’s say your daughter loves playing hide-and-seek. She’s young, precocious, and especially loves hiding in public places. The last time you went to the mall together, you turned your head for one minute and the next minute she was gone. You were scared to death when you couldn’t find her.

The panic and fear of losing a child is unbearable. So, when she finally comes out of the clothing rack she was hiding in, you’re relieved but also angry. You want to hug her, but then you want to spank her to ensure you won’t ever find yourselves in the same situation again. 

Think for a moment; if you do decide to spank your daughter for playing one-sided hide-and-seek with you, are you actually teaching her what she did wrong? 

Even if you take the time to explain to your daughter before or after you spank her that she scared you and she could have been lost (or kidnapped!), will she even remember or be listening? 

When kids are processing the pain, fear, and shame that spanking can bring, they aren’t learning for the future. They aren’t thinking about how to make a better decision next time or why their decision was wrong in the first place. They are in self-defense mode, plain and simple, and are not internalizing the lesson you are trying to convey.

Maybe the pain and humiliation from spanking is enough for some kids not to repeat their actions. For many kids, though, spanking just fuels their fiery furnaces. It can make them more obstinate and determined to fight back. Either way, spanking doesn’t help kids understand why their action was wrong or what they should do differently next time.

Because spanking is a form of punishment–and because punishment doesn’t address the core reason behind misbehavior–it’s not an effective long-term solution.

If spanking isn’t an effective long-term solution, is it an appropriate discipline strategy–even in the short term? To answer this question, let’s review the goals of discipline …

Goal of Discipline #1: Target the Underlying Causes of Behavior

As a positive parenting educator, there is one principle from Adlerian Psychology that we base ALL our strategies on and it is this: No behavior is random. There is always an underlying reason for misbehavior.

Here are some of the underlying reasons kids misbehave:

Lack of Impulse Control

Parents often expect kids to act like and reason like adults. We fail to understand why kids can’t comply to even the simplest requests and we become frustrated and even mad at their misbehavior.

One key thing to remember is that misbehavior doesn’t always stem from a negative, defiant place. It can stem from a basic lack of impulse control. 

The 4-year-old that tramples your neighbor’s pristine garden to pick a daisy isn’t aware of the trail of crushed plants she’s leaving behind. Nor is she predicting the scolding the neighbor may soon unleash upon you both. She just sees a pretty flower and wants to touch it, smell it, and keep it.

The 6-year-old who whacks his younger brother for destroying, in a matter of seconds, the sand castle it took him two hours to create, may be suffering from the same lack of impulse control.

If we spank children for trampling the neighbor’s garden, or even hitting a sibling, imagine what must be going through their minds. “Don’t you always say you love me more than anything in the world? Why are you doing this to me? I’m not sure how, but I must be a really bad person.”

When we spank our kids in the heat of the moment out of frustration and anger, it’s also a reflection of our own lack of impulse control. It makes sense that we don’t want to model that behavior–especially when it’s exactly what we’re teaching our kids NOT to do.

Attention

Every child has a need for attention. While it seems counterintuitive, when a child’s innate need for attention isn’t met, he will oftentimes seek it out in negative ways.

A toddler whining and begging for you to look at his latest LEGO DUPLO creation may decide to pick it up and throw it at you to finally catch your gaze. Your 8-year-old that is fed up with you doting on her little brother may decide to give him an obvious little pinch to bring the attention back towards her. 

We must be aware that to a child, even negative attention is better than no attention at all. In this case, spanking definitely won’t stop the misbehavior–it will likely continue it. 

Power

The misbehavior could also be rooted in your child’s need for power. Just like adults, children like to feel in control of their lives. 

You’re probably wondering, “how does spanking my child fill his power bucket? Doesn’t it only show him that I’m in charge?”

Children get a huge hit of power when they are able to ruffle an adult’s feathers. Even when ruffled feathers results in a spanking, being able to trigger an adult to the point of losing their cool is a hit of power to a child. Spanking only ensures these power struggles will continue. 

Revenge

With repeated punishment, discouragement and anger can build to the point where the child’s behavior escalates to revenge.

Intensified misbehavior and hurt feelings from both the parent and the child are signs that your child’s root cause of misbehavior has taken a darker turn.  

If you’re using spanking as a tool and suspect your child is starting to act out of revenge towards you, consider that your method could be aggravating–rather than alleviating–the issues. 

Goal of Discipline #2: Protect the Parent-Child Relationship

Much to our dismay, it isn’t possible to remain ever-popular with our children. Perhaps you’re already experiencing this. If not, go find a parent of tweens or teens! Unfortunately, parenting often means enforcing difficult lessons. 

If this “tough love” often translates into spanking, however, consider if it is worth the potential damage to your parent-child bond. 

Once again, when children are being spanked, they aren’t learning how or why their behavior is wrong. They aren’t learning any new skills they can use in the future. They’re learning that mom and dad are going to punish them for their actions. This can slowly erode parent-child trust. Then later, when you’re trying to communicate with them in a positive way, they may be less receptive. 

If we focus on punishment, rather than discipline, resentment continues to fester and you’ll find yourself the target of an increasing number of power struggles. As your child becomes more and more defensive, future disciplinary methods become harder to enforce, and the relationship that you so desperately want to protect may become vulnerable.

Goal of Discipline #3: Promote Open Communication

Let’s say you’re still not convinced. All of the arguments above seem valid, but you think spanking has still worked for you and your child. 

Consider, instead, one of the potential side effects–spanking increases the tendency for children to lie. 

We already know that spanking makes kids defensive. And what’s a common way to defend bad behavior and avoid punishment? Lie about it.

Dishonesty can be a slippery slope. What may start as a little white lie to circumvent a spanking can turn into a steady pattern of untruths and omissions. 

As punishment increases, so will secrecy and deception. 

Inevitably, the lie is impossible to maintain, the truth spills out, and your reaction to the event will be worse than ever. 

Ultimately, punishment proves ineffective at encouraging open and honest communication between you and your children. This, in turn, creates a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and misbehavior. 

Final Thoughts

We’ve all heard the common phrase, “this will hurt me more than it hurts you.” While spanking may hurt you in the short term, it will negatively impact your child and your relationship with your child in the long run.

I know parenting isn’t easy. It’s likely the hardest job of all. But I don’t want your efforts to be in vain. 

After my many years as a parenting educator and, most importantly, as a mom, I advise you to make parenting easier and more effective by choosing discipline over punishment. 

This is exactly what I did over 15 years ago when I said “so long” to yelling and punishment and spent years researching alternative methods. After seeing the life-changing effects on my own family, I knew I had to share them with others–that’s how Positive Parenting Solutions was born.

If you’d like to learn how to get your kids to listen–without yelling or spanking–I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS.

Be proactive by finding long-term solutions. Find the root cause of the misbehavior. Focus on your parent-child relationship. Promote the best possible communication.

And say “so long!” to spanking.

Title image: Sharomka / Shutterstock www.shutterstock.com/photos

Just imagine. It’s breakfast time on a beautiful Monday morning. The sun is shining in through the open window, the smell of warm coffee fills the air. It seems like the perfect start to the week.

You call up the stairs to your 15-year-old daughter, “Come on down to breakfast, honey! We need to leave for school in 15 minutes.”

You expect the typical power struggle to get her out the door but are happily surprised when you hear her immediately begin marching down the stairs. 

However, your happiness is short-lived when she makes it to the kitchen. There in front of you stands your daughter–your little girl–wearing…is that makeup?

Honestly, you’ve seen this coming for a while now. You’ve noticed the eye shadow and smelled the perfume. You’ve listened as her conversations gradually shifted from school and friends to boys and…well…more boys. 

Still, it seems impossible. Wasn’t she just playing tea party with her dolls a moment ago? 

“Mom?” she asks quietly. 

“Yes?”

“I was wondering if it would be okay for me to go out on a date sometime?”

And there you have it. The question you have been dreading since the moment you brought her home from the hospital has finally been asked.

Your daughter wants to start dating.

Of course, you want to shout “No!” But, because you’re trying to play it cool, you fight the urge to take her straight up to her room, wipe off the makeup, and lock her away until she’s 30. 

The truth of the matter is your daughter is growing up, which means having real-world, real-life conversations about dating is now a necessity on your parenting to-do list. 

However, if you’re like most parents of teenagers, you’ve probably had other important conversations that haven’t gone so well. You know the reality of tackling tough topics with a teen can involve a lot of eye rolls, sighs, and attitude. 

But, you know this topic can’t be ignored. More than anything, you want her to listen, because what you have to say about dating is important.

It’s no secret that your daughter is navigating some tough waters and will be for some time. The teen years are filled with hormone-driven dilemmas and you are going to need to be on the front lines, ready to help in a way only a parent can.

So where do you start?

First and foremost, you must establish a judgment-free zone.

That’s right. As much as it may pain you to do so, the only way you’re going to build trust with your teen is by providing them with the comfort and knowledge that what they tell you is safe from judgment from you or anyone else.

Now that the lines of communication are wide open, let’s talk strategy. Here are 5 tips for navigating this topic so you can ensure you and your teen get the most out of this very important conversation.

1. Start Small. Start Early.

First and foremost, it must be said: It is never too early to start having conversations about dating with your child.

Because the mere concept of dating can range widely in interpretation from person to person, it’s important that your kids have a very clear idea of what they can expect from the dating world before ever stepping foot inside.

Now, as awkward as it may be talking about dating and relationships with your twelve-year-old, the conversations you have early on are critical. This is where you can dive in and gain a better understanding of what your child thinks dating will be like when he’s older. It also gives you a wonderful opportunity to lay some ground rules before he walks off hand-in-hand with his new crush.

Start small. There’s no need to get into the heavy intimacy discussion quite yet. 

Try asking, “What does dating mean to you?”, “What do you think happens on a date?”, or “What would be your idea of the perfect date?”

Perhaps, for your child, a date means hanging out with a group of friends, going out for ice cream, or riding bikes to the park together. Use this time to talk about how you get to know someone better and what qualities he will look for in another person when he wants to start dating.

Now is also the time to lay the groundwork for the expectations you’ll have for them when they do begin dating.

Will the date be chaperoned? What hours and days are they allowed to go out on? Will you meet their date’s parents first? When will they be allowed to go on car dates?

Setting the rules early on will not only provide you with a concrete plan to fall back on when the time comes, but it will also give your child less reason to push back down the road because they know what is expected of them.

Hopefully, you’ve been having these conversations all along. However, should you find yourself blindsided by a teen who is ready to, or already has, entered the dating world, here are some tips you can use to help take the terror out of teen dating.

2. Manage Expectations.

As tempting as it may be to launch into a long lecture on teen pregnancy the moment your daughter asks permission to date, it’s best to ditch the birds and the bees talk–at least for now. 

As you already know, having any conversation with a teen is tricky enough, so it’s best to start on a lighter note.

So here you are, the big question has been asked: Can your daughter go on a date this weekend? 

Your answer may come easily. A “yes” would certainly make your daughter happy. Moreover, a “no” would probably ensure your happiness. But try not to be so quick on the trigger–this is a big decision!

Instead, answer her question with some questions of your own. 

“Tell us about the person you want to go out with.”

“What is your idea of the perfect date?”

Now, the purpose of asking these questions is not to nag or pry, so try not to go overboard. This is simply a strategy for getting your daughter to open up about what she thinks dating entails and helping her manage those expectations ahead of time.

Having a clear understanding of what she wants out of a date will give her great insight into her own dating desires. As an added bonus, it will help you get to know her a little better.

Remember, this conversation should never feel forced, awkward, or uncomfortable for either of you. Take out the judgment, drop the inquisition, and, above all else, keep the lines open. 

Trust me, taking an active role in making sure your daughter is comfortable with the conversation now will pave the way for her to bring other issues to you in the future. 

3. Plan in Advance.

It’s a concept that seems old-fashioned to us, but there was a time when the perfect date consisted of burgers at the local diner downtown, an early movie, and drop-off at home by 10 PM. 

Yes, long gone are the days when teen dating was simple.

Now, when you ask your son about his upcoming date this weekend, you’re met with a slight shrug and a nonchalant, “I don’t know. We’re just going to hang out.” 

How frustrating!

Of course, this is a very typical response, especially for a teenage boy. Still, if you want to help lessen the dating terror–on your end, anyway–try encouraging your son to plan his date in advance.

Again, you want to proceed with caution, without encroaching on that nagging or prying territory. Keep the conversation light and aimed at helping him set out a plan for the date ahead. No need to be exceptionally detailed. Just try to help him answer a few important questions:

“Where will the date take place?”

“When will you be home?”

“Will there be any adult supervision?”

Also, think about a few different scenarios he may face and ask him to come up with possible solutions. 

For example:

“What would you do if your date suggests sneaking into her parents’ liquor cabinet?”

“How would you react if she lies to her parents about where the two of you are going?”

Giving your son ample time to think through his responses means he will be better equipped to handle these situations in a mature fashion should they come up. 

Yes, you can certainly expect to receive some pushback from your teen, but do not back down. Instead, remind him that dating is a privilege, and the only way he can expect to enjoy it is by having this plan laid out now. 

You’ll soon see that those eye rolls and attitude are a very small price to pay for your peace of mind.

4. Set Physical Boundaries.

In today’s society, particularly with the #MeToo movement, we have seen so many examples of men and women speaking up about their own experiences with abuse and sexual harassment. 

When it comes to dating, sons and daughters alike need to know well in advance what they consider to be their own personal boundaries. Knowing what their comfort levels are, how far they are willing to take things, and the consequences of their actions should be at the forefront of your teen’s mind when starting to date.

I get it! This is a difficult topic to approach. But trust me when I say having a conversation about relationship boundaries with your teen is absolutely crucial to ensuring both their safety and your peace of mind.

A few possible conversation starters may include:

“Tell me what you know about consent.”

“How do you feel about respecting your date’s boundaries?”

“What would you do if you felt your boundaries being pushed?”

As a parent, I know all too well how hard this conversation can be. After all, having your teen enter into the dating world opens them up to a lot of new experiences–some of which may not be ideal. 

Make sure you know which situations they could face that would make them even the slightest bit uncomfortable. Even more importantly, make sure they know how to get out of them safely. 

5. Come Up With an Exit Strategy

A particularly ingenious example of an exit strategy is what is known as the X-Plan. 

In a viral online post, one father, Bert Fulks, explained how he and his teen came up with a simple, yet brilliant exit strategy of their own. A simple “X” in a text message would be enough of a signal for Bert to come remove his teen from any situation that made him feel uncomfortable, compromised, or in danger–no questions asked! 

Parents around the world are now employing the same tactic with their teens. Not only does it provide teens with a graceful way out of any situation they are uncomfortable with, it also enables them to save face socially.

However, please remember that “no questions asked” means exactly that. Any and all conversations you have with your teen need to be done in a safe environment, free from any judgment or shame. 

When it’s clear to your teen that you love them unconditionally and will always have their back, you’ll find that these deep, important conversations become more open, honest, and frequent.

Final Thoughts

Navigating the teen dating world can be a daunting task for any parent. But there is no reason you can’t ENJOY this time as well!

By maintaining a strong focus on establishing trust and communication with your teen AND utilizing these strategies, you can absolutely take this journey from terrifying to terrific. 

For more information on this and other ways you can help your teen make the best decisions in life, please be sure to check out our other Positive Parenting Solutions resources.

Want to know if Positive Parenting Solutions is a good fit for your family?

JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS where I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling, or reminding required.

As always, we wish you the best of luck on your parenting journey!