Feeding kids in today’s world isn’t easy. Not only do parents have a lot of pressure to raise healthy kids, they don’t always get the support they need to make it a reality. That is, until now.
The book demonstrates that common feeding mistakes aren’t a result of flawed parenting, but missing feeding knowledge. Once parents have a bigger picture of what is going on with feeding, it is pretty easy (even empowering!) to turn things around.
People always say it takes a village to raise a kid, but I’m convinced it takes a village to raise parents, too.
Once those sweet cherubs arrive, it’s really the PARENTS who need the help–the encouragement, the guidance, and the wisdom to become the parents they’ve always wanted to be.
While I’ve dedicated my life to teaching Positive Parenting strategies to thousands of families, I’m also the first to seek out experts on topics outside my wheelhouse. I love sharing resources I know will bring measurable, easy-to-implement relief and long-term support to families in our Positive Parenting Solutions community.
Lucky for all of us, there are a plethora of people and companies who’ve dedicated their time to creating tools, programs, and resources that seamlessly support parents who are trying to implement Positive Parenting strategies in their home.
Here are a few of my favorite resources that complement our Positive Parenting Solutions® course. I’ve divided the list into “Parent-Focused Resources” (you know the drill…put YOUR oxygen mask on first!) and “Kid-Focused Resources.”
Parent-Focused Resources
Comedian Jim Gaffigan once said, “You know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.”
Whether you have one kid or 10, I think every parent can relate to Gaffigan’s sentiment–we feel forever-behind, overwhelmed, and exhausted on the daily.
Yes, I know you’d do anything for your children, but here’s what YOUR kids need most: a healthy, content, in-control, and capable YOU!
I know that notion may feel like a pipe-dream, but it’s exactly why I want you to check out a few of my all-time favorite parent-centered resources that will help YOU get your life organized and on track.
Why I love it: I’m obsessed with The STEP Program from Learn Do Become because you’ll learn how to stop drowning in piles of paper, clutter, emails, and to-do lists!
The STEP Program, from my good friends April and Eric Perry, will give you a step-by-step roadmap (along with ongoing support) to organize your home, office, and life while building a strong family!
How does it support Positive Parenting? Let’s be honest, it can be difficult to get your parenting life in order when your home life feels like constant chaos.
Instead of daily disorder and chaos, imagine having a well-organized “Command Central”– a place where everything is sorted, and you know exactly what needs to be done and when.
Imagine freeing up your mental and physical “clutter” so you have the time and energy to be the best positive parent you can be for your kids. That’s exactly what you’ll learn to do in The STEP program.
As someone who struggles in the organization department (ask my teammates or my husband!)–I can’t recommend this program highly enough!
Why I love it: I love this program because it removes the obstacles for moms who are short on time—and actually equips them to lead a healthy balanced lifestyle. My sweet friend, Robin Long, created a perfectly doable, comprehensive online wellness solution that fits YOUR schedule–with an incredibly supportive online member community called the “Sisterhood.”
In the “Sisterhood,” Robin offers monthly pilates workouts for ALL SKILL LEVELS (ranging from 10-30 minutes), healthy and family-friendly recipes, and an entire library of searchable pilates workouts. (Plus! A portion of every purchase goes to support children in need.)
The other reason I’m obsessed with this program is because Robin is just SO REAL. She is a mom of four (including twins!) and she gets us! She understands busy moms and she’s tailored the program to work with our lives, not compete with them.
How does it support Positive Parenting? Let’s be honest, even though you KNOW your health is important–family life happens. And on queue, your health needs get sent to the sideline while you give every bit of mental and physical energy to take care of everyone else. You wait for a “less busy season” so you can “get back on track”–but that time never comes.
Even in the busiest seasons of your life, The Balanced Life is the perfect safe-zone to get back on track so YOU can be the healthiest, happiest version of yourself–and be the loving, patient, positive parent to the people you love most!
Kid-Focused Resources
Now that parents have the resources to become the best versions of themselves, here are a few of my favorite kid-focused resources. These courses and programs are designed to address specific parenting struggles, and I look to these instructors for wisdom in each of these areas!
Why I love it: While the entire Kitchen Stewardship website is a goldmine when it comes to healthy living, let me draw your attention to their Kids Cook Real Food Online Course. This, my friends, is for any parent who’s ever wondered, “Is it worth letting them ‘help’ if they leave eggshells in the bowl and splatter spaghetti sauce all over the walls when they are manning the whisk?”
I get it. It often feels MORE difficult to invite kiddos into the kitchen when you’re just trying to get dinner on the table. But have no fear, Katie Kimball leads you step-by-step through a comprehensive cooking course that will teach your child (and YOURSELF) how to cook safely in the kitchen. With suggestions for kids of all ages–toddlers to teens–you’ll give your children life-long culinary skills that will benefit them (and any future spouse) for years to come!
How does it support Positive Parenting? Equipping children to do tasks around the house will have life-long benefits as your kids grow into adults. With each new skill they learn in the kitchen, they’ll feel more confident and independent–which is what Positive Parenting is all about!
Kids of all ages love to help around the kitchen–I mean, what kid DOESN’T want to wield a knife? Unfortunately, parents often turn away assistance from younger children and then get upset when their teenager no longer wants to contribute.
If the long-term goal is to have a teenager who helps around the house and in the kitchen, we need to steward and encourage the “help” from our littles–even if it does take a little training and a few tries to get it right!
Why I love it: It’s simple and specific. My friend, Jamie Glowacki, is my absolute favorite person to potty talk with. She is truly an expert in the potty training arena and has helped THOUSANDS of parents tackle this potentially treacherous season.
The Oh Crap! Potty Training Course is filled with action-packed strategies and step-by-step instructions to guide parents through the dreaded potty training days.
How does it support Positive Parenting? Jamie’s method is fast, effective and gentle. She equips parents with the tools they need so potty training doesn’t turn into a power struggle. Her method isn’t punitive or rewards-based making it the PERFECT complement for any Positive Parenting Journey.
Why I love it: It’s the conversation so many parents DREAD having–you want to teach your kids about the birds and the bees but aren’t sure how to do it in an age-appropriate way. You know it’s important to talk about their private parts, but how do you do it in a less awkward way?
I love Amy Lang’s courses because she gives parents actionable steps and SCRIPTS to engage in healthy conversations about body parts and sex in a way that supports YOUR family values. No need to worry about “what” to say, Amy gives you everything you need!
Plus! She has course offerings for Preschoolers to Teens!
How does it support Positive Parenting? First, Amy Lang is a certified Positive Discipline instructor so her strategies most definitely align with Positive Parenting strategies.
Her courses focus on maintaining open communication with your children and having honest conversations about bodies and sex so your children will view you as a trusted and valued resource on the topic–and so they’ll feel comfortable coming to you when they have questions.
Plus! Amy takes the guesswork out of tackling the conversations which is a win-win for everyone!
Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Amy from the Talking to Kids About Sex In a Way that Supports Your Family Values advanced module in the online course!
Why I love it: My friend, Renee Jain, created GoZen for kids ages 4-15-ish who struggle with high stress and anxiety. I love this program because kids learn by watching animated cartoons–really!
Kids watch engaging, entertaining cartoons to learn skills of resilience and well-being. In addition, imaginative games, workbooks, and quizzes enrich their learning. GoZen also has programs to teach resilience skills to kids who struggle with OCD, panic attacks, negative thoughts, and more.
How does it support Positive Parenting? The underlying goal of Positive Parenting is to meet the emotional needs of our children FIRST. While all humans have the same hardwired needs for belonging and significance, some children have additional emotional needs that must be addressed for Positive Parenting strategies to work effectively.
For children who experience high levels of anxiety and stress in particular situations, it’s critical for them to learn the skills to recognize those feelings and work through them so they can be the best versions of themselves. GoZen has the resources you need to address any deeper emotional needs to ensure Positive Parenting works effectively for your child.
Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Renee in the Help for the Anxious Child advanced module in the online course!
Why I love it: Social media expert and 4 time Duke All-American athlete, Laura Tierney designed The Social Institute to help kids WIN at social media.The Social Institute takes a kid-centered approach to social media by empowering children to take control of their online presence.
Through games, interactives, and group instruction, The Social Institute is bringing parents, students, and teachers the most revolutionary social media curriculum.
How does it support Positive Parenting? One of the primary goals of Positive Parenting is to raise responsible, capable, and independent children. While it may seem easier (and sometimes necessary) to simply forbid all social media from your home or block particular websites, The Social Institute TEACHES children how to use social media responsibly.
By equipping kids with the appropriate tools and wisdom to use social media responsibly, parents no longer have to worry about limiting access altogether. Plus, when children feel a sense of power and control over their lives, they are more resilient, respectful and less likely to act out.
Positive Parenting Solutions members will recognize Laura from the Social Media Training for Kids advanced module.
Final Thoughts
While there are many incredible tools, courses, and resources on the market to support a Positive Parenting journey, it’s imperative parents are also equipped with a toolbox of Positive Parenting discipline strategies.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. Backtalk is the number one parenting complaint I hear from the thousands of parents I’ve worked with. But does knowing how common backtalk is make it any less frustrating? Of course not!
Backtalk might be annoying and, at times, infuriating, but it’s a common side effect of growing up and gaining independence.
At all ages, kids need a strong sense of personal power on an emotional level. When they can’t get it because we’re ordering them around or doing everything for them, they lash out with words.
It’s a typical “fight or flight” response–since they can’t exactly move into their own apartment (flight), they’ll fight back by testing limits and trying to get a reaction.
There are many reasons WHY kids talk back, so it’s important to get to the root of the issue to determine which strategy will work best.
The best way to stop backtalk in its tracks is to give our kids the positive personal power they need. By fostering independence within our limits, we can help them grow up, as well as limit the backtalk, arguing, and whining that no one enjoys.
This week’s shocking news of federal charges raining down on celebrity parents and others in a massive college admissions scandal left many people (and certainly parents) shocked and incredulous.
While there is a legitimate reason for shock and awe – this extreme “parenting” as some might call it, puts a spotlight on behavior that has its roots in small, blurred parenting lines.
As parents, we want the best for our kids. But when wanting what’s best for our kids pushes us to take drastic and unethical actions, it makes me wonder–are we REALLY doing what’s best for our kids?
Think about it. Little things like asking for special favors and consideration–from a teacher, coach, director, or anyone in authority when your child has clearly not put in the time, effort, or inclination–is a rung on that blurred parenting ladder.
I get it. You don’t want to yell at your kids. I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and have never met a parent who felt like yelling was a good strategy. The only reason parents yell is because they are pushed to the brink and don’t have more effective tools to use.
We know from recent studies that yelling can have the same detrimental effects on a child as spanking–including increased anxiety, depression, stress, and other emotional disorders. And while yelling can be useful in some situations, if it is our default discipline strategy, we will fail to experience the long-term behavioral changes we hope to see in our children.
Why Isn’t Yelling a Good Long-Term Strategy?
Parenting is a marathon–or more like 18 marathons strung together. When considering different discipline strategies, it’s vital we remember the end-game.
Sure, we’d like our son to walk through the candy aisle without throwing a tantrum. And we’d like our daughter to not wage war at the dinner table over the highly-controversial green vegetable.
The problem is, when we focus on those short-term issues, we have the potential to create negative long-term effects.
Let’s consider the son in the candy aisle.
The short-term goal is to avoid a tantrum. And unfortunately, if we haven’t used any proactive parenting techniques, there are three ways well-intentioned parents try to curb the tantrum from happening over the bag of Skittles:
Buy the bag of Skittles (quickest way to end the tantrum!)
Threaten to take away some other privilege at home
Yell in the middle of the candy aisle and scare him into submission.
The problem is that each of these is a short-term solution to the issue, but all have long-term implications. Let’s break them down a little further.
Option 1: Buy the bag of Skittles
This is a sure-fire way to stop the tantrum from happening in the candy aisle, but what are the long-term implications?
If your child knows you can be manipulated into buying a treat every time you go to the grocery store, this will most certainly lead to repeat tantrum performances and feelings of entitlement and greed.
A LOT of parents are concerned with the entitlement epidemic that plagues our children these days. I care so deeply about helping parents combat this issue that I wrote a whole book on it.
When a child is never told “no” or rarely has to “go without,” his feelings of entitlement will grow. He’ll likely have difficulty expressing gratitude as an adult and may lack the ability to compromise and work collaboratively as a teammate.
Sure, it might be easier in the short-term for YOU to not have him kicking and screaming on the linoleum tile between the gummy worms and Tootsie Rolls. But, let me assure you, it will be even more difficult to teach your TEENAGE son gratitude and curb his feelings of entitlement 10 years from now.
Option 2: Threaten to take away a privilege at home
This short-term solution has the most potential to go sideways.
Are you really going to follow through when you get home?
If you do, is it really going to change your child’s behavior next time?
Worse yet, if you don’t follow through, how might this impact his behavior on the next grocery errand?
Kids are short-sighted creatures–they want immediate gratification, but they also need to experience timely consequences. By taking away technology two hours after the temper tantrum in the candy aisle, chances are the connection between the two will be long-lost on your kid.
This short-sighted strategy has long-term implications. Your child will either realize:
1) You don’t follow through on grocery store threats so why should he listen to you at other times?
2) Your child will view this punishment as unfair since the grocery store behavior is unrelated to his technology privilege (See: No Yelling Consequences).
Option 3: Yell in the middle of the candy aisle
I get it. You don’t want to yell–especially after that sweet grandma just walked by and told you how precious your son is.
Sure, you might embarrass yourself if you yell, but your kid needs to learn he can’t act this way. So you yell for the 15th time.
“No! WE ARE NOT GETTING SKITTLES!!!”
The sound of your voice captures his attention long enough the tantrum stops, but now the guilt sets in.
Once again, you’re left unsatisfied. Sure, he may have stopped throwing the tantrum out of sheer fear, but will his behavior change next time. Did the yelling equip him with the appropriate behavioral tools to have a successful grocery run? Probably not.
Instead, you took a short-sided solution to a problem that, in the long-term, will only breed feelings of resentment or, even worse, fear towards his parent.
What Can You Do Instead of Yelling?
First, let’s take a deep breath. If you’re like me, you’re guilty of attempting all three discipline strategies mentioned above. I remember feeling absolutely out of control in situations like the one in the grocery store.
You are not alone in this parenting journey. Please know the suggestions I’m about to offer you are battle-tested techniques and have helped thousands of families curb the yelling in their homes.
One of the fatal flaws in the discipline options mentioned above is they are all REACTIVE strategies. When parents only use reactive discipline techniques–time-out, counting to three, consequences, yelling–there are several implications:
Parents are exhausted because REACTIVE parenting drains our energy much faster than proactive parenting.
We never understand and treat the ROOT of the misbehavior because we are so focused on STOPPING the misbehavior in the moment.
If we only react to situations we increase the likelihood we will yell because we aren’t equipped with more effective tools.
Strategy #1: MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® Connection (MBST)
The most effective proactive parenting technique that serves as the crux to everything I teach is MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness or MBST.
I encourage parents to spend 10-15 uninterrupted minutes of one-on-one time every day with each child. During this time, children call the shots–play a game of their choosing, sing karaoke to their favorite song, have an impromptu dance party, build an epic fort in the living room or simply read their favorite book.
By filling up your kid’s attention and power baskets in these 10 minutes, you ward off future misbehaviors–and thereby decrease the times you’d be prompted to yell.
Note:For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, review Step 1 to learn the ins and outs of MBST and also see the advanced module, “The Busy Parent’s Guide to Mind, Body, and Soul Time.”
Strategy #2: No Yelling Consequences
This proactive strategy is incredibly effective with kids 2.5 and older. There is so much to learn about No Yelling Consequences–so much, in fact, I created an entire FREE webinar on the topic.
To implement consequences in a meaningful way, you need to be clear about your expectations and ensure the consequence is related to the misbehavior. When children understand ahead of time what consequence will be put in place if they make a wrong choice AND that consequence is related to the misbehavior, there won’t be a need to yell.
By using the 5 R’s formula, your child will already know the consequence of their actions and you’ll be able to enforce it in a calm and effective way.
Note:For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, refer to Session 3, Lessons 25 and 26 to review the different types of consequences and how to implement them effectively.
Strategy #3: Connect and Empathize
While proactive parenting greatly reduces the likelihood of outbursts, the truth is, we still need tools for IN THE MOMENT.
So imagine, you’ve filled your son’s attention bucket proactively, but he still loses it in the candy aisle. Now what?
Instead of losing your cool, try to connect. Empathize with his feelings–“Wow, I know those Skittles are delicious and I can tell you’d really like some.” or “I know how hard it is when you really want something you can’t have.”
Your connection in this moment helps your son know you’re on his team. And sure, he still might throw a fit all the way through the store, but he will learn two things:
When you say no, it means no.
Even though you said no, you still love him and care about his big emotions.
Strategy #4: Whisper
Do you want to know what’s better than yelling EVERY. TIME? Whispering, that’s what.
When your child’s frustration and voice goes high, you go low…so low the only way he can hear you is to actually be quiet.
Everyone likes to hear secrets and your child is no different. By whispering your response to his Skittles request or by telling him a silly little secret to distract from his meltdown, whispering has incredible benefits:
It actually brings YOUR heart rate down making you less likely to yell in anger.
It calms the energy of the entire situation down and encourages your child to listen.
Final Thoughts
You can do this! Your yelling days (like mine) can be a thing of the past if you equip yourself with an arsenal of tools to use instead.
The greatest difference between parents who yell and parents who don’t is simply knowledge. When you are adequately prepared to handle difficult parenting situations, you won’t NEED to yell.
That’s the beauty of the online course I created–I give you step-by-step instructions, scripts, and resources to guide you through even the most difficult power struggles. Oh, sweet friend, once you have those tools in your wheelhouse, you will be unflappable.
There are few power struggles that take an emotional toll on parents quite like sibling fighting. We’re not talking about a simple disagreement–“Mom, he took my stuff!” or “She won’t stop repeating me!” Those spats are a normal part of life and growing up.
We’re talking about finding your kids in the thick of a physical altercation–punching, biting, slapping, or even worse. That’s scary stuff for everyone involved–children and parents alike. But the truth is, this behavior is fairly common, especially in younger children who don’t have more appropriate conflict resolution skills.
Before you throw in the towel (or set up a boxing ring in your living room), let’s talk strategy to create a peaceful home.
Prepare To Be Fair
Be PROACTIVE and determine what YOU might unknowingly be doing to set sibling rivalry in motion.
I know it can be a difficult pill to swallow, but much of the misbehavior we see in our kids is triggered by something WE do as parents. In order to stop siblings from fighting, we must create a fair and impartial environment. Without even knowing it, parents contribute to sibling rivalry in many ways. Here are 3 things we should stop doing to create a fair environment:
(Don’t worry if you’re guilty of any of these, keep reading–there are practical changes you can make today!)
1. Don’t Use Labels
Whether spoken or implied, labels such as “the smart one” or “the wild one” lay the groundwork for sibling fighting. For example, if you tag one child the “star athlete,” you can be sure his sibling feels less than star quality. Or, if you dub another kid as the “problem child,” her sibling might feel pretty superior as the less squeaky wheel.
Positive and negative labels set the stage for fights as kids struggle with the comparisons you’ve put in place.
Sometimes labels are not even spoken, only implied, but this creates just as much competition. Look at your interactions with your children. Is there one you view as your “go-to” kid? One you rely on when you want something done quickly and without a fuss?
Now consider how that might affect siblings. Can you see how that might foster a “what’s the point in trying” feeling? Can you see how that might make another child feel less capable and set the stage for competition?
Labels are funny things because we often think we are helping. We believe that we’re giving them titles to lift them up, right? But the truth is, those crowns can be a heavy burden for the child wearing them–and a competition catalyst for those who do not.
2. Don’t Reinforce “Victim” And “Aggressor” Roles
As parents, we often find ourselves playing the role of detective and referee. As a detective, our first job is to identify the “victim” in the dispute as well as the “aggressor.” Or, as a referee, we blow the whistle and call the foul.
Once we’ve seen enough, we take on the ever-powerful role of judge. Oh boy–that’s when things go sideways. We soothe the “victim” with hugs and kind words and banish the “aggressor” to his room with a strongly worded reprimand.
The trouble is, when we shower the “victim” with attention and “poor baby’s,” we send a clear signal that acting as the weaker player in the argument (true or not) will garner attention.
That, of course, sets the scene in motion for repeat performances with, perhaps, even more drama. Meanwhile, the “aggressor” gets the green light that there is power in being the bully–and that behavior gets put on repeat as well.
3. Don’t Blow Things Out Of Proportion
One of the most important things to remember about parenting is that we’re the parents. The grown-ups. Supposedly the calm in the storm. That’s something to strive for and the behavior we need to model.
When we blow things out of proportion, we add to the drama, attention, and breathe more life into trivial situations. When we do, kids register our overreaction as an attention flag and recreate the havoc.
For example, when we flip our lid over a favorite-toy-tussle or lose every ounce of our sanity when the siblings stage WWIII on a road trip, we relinquish our “adult-in-the-situation” title. We all know how frustrating these situations can be, but don’t make mountains out of mole hills. There will be enough parenting mountains to climb without overreacting to the small stuff.
How to Create a Fight-Free Environment
Now that you know what NOT to do, here are some strategies you can use to create a fight-free environment. We know when kids’ needs for belonging and significance aren’t met, the odds of drama and rivalry escalate quickly.
Minimize the potential for fights by doing these 3 things:
1. Fill Your Children’s Attention Basket Daily
Provide positive attention daily. Take time each day to get into their world on their terms, build emotional connections, and calm the child’s impulses to lash out. That means separate time for each child where they get your undivided attention.
At Positive Parenting Solutions, we call this tool Mind, Body, and Soul Time, and it is a life-saver in curbing all sorts of misbehavior.
The truth is that proactive parenting is much more effective than reactive parenting.
Unfortunately, many mainstream parenting experts and bloggers teach ways to respond to children AFTER the misbehavior occurs–time-out, rewards, counting to three–you’ve probably tried them all.
When it comes to sibling rivalry (and most parenting issues, for that matter), it’s always best to curb the issues BEFORE they actually start. That’s why filling your kids’ attention baskets each day is critical. By spending 10 minutes one-on-one with each child doing something THEY choose, you’ll eliminate their desire to seek your attention in negative ways–like fighting with a sister.
2. Ensure Kids Are Well Rested
Kids are more likely to control their impulses if they’ve had enough sleep. (Just like all of us, am I right?) So whenever possible, DON’T skip naps or rest time. Kids need that time to regroup both mentally and physically. By reducing their impulsive nature, you’re less likely to see those fights break out.
Instead of labeling your children, encourage their positive attributes. By encouraging their effort over their natural talents or abilities, you empower all your children to live up to their potential.
Instead of “she’s the smart one,” you can say “she’s been putting forth her best effort in school.” Or instead of “he’s the athletic one,” say “he’s working really hard at improving his tennis stroke.”
When siblings hear parents encouraging effort, this only empowers them to work harder. When children understand that effort is valued over the outcome, they are more motivated to give it their all. If you need more encouraging phrases to use, here’s a list of some of my favorites.
During the Fight: Stay Calm and Carry On
When your kids move from disagreement to physical aggression, break out these time-tested techniques and strategies for keeping your cool, diffusing the situation, and creating teaching moments that can circumvent future tussles.
1. Stay Out As Long As You Can
While this sounds counter-intuitive and goes against every parental instinct you have, stay OUT of your kids’ fights–at least until it turns physical.
If it’s a simple case of name-calling or other mild frustrations are being expressed, avoid playing referee–instead, simply walk to another room. By doing this, you’ll remove any attention pay-off your children are seeking and give them an opportunity to resolve the conflict on their own.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking a caretaker, “Really? My kids? They were so well-behaved and actually GOT ALONG?” this is a good sign sibling rivalry is being used as an attention-seeking strategy in your home. Take away the gift of your attention, and you’ll be amazed at how many fights get stopped before a punch is thrown.
If, however, the fighting begins to escalate, and a simple squabble turns into a WWE wrestling match, then please implement the following strategies.
2. Remain Calm And Help Your Children Do The Same
It’s understandable to be upset when your kids hit each other, but you’ll get better results by staying calm. When you get upset and raise your voice, it’s scary for your children and only fuels the power struggle.
If you enter a sibling fight with a raised voice, you will undoubtedly receive a barrage of accusations and complaints from the opposing parties–“But he hit me first!” “She took my toy!” “He started it!” “No, SHE started it!”
Once the accusations start flying, it’s hard to refrain from taking on the judiciary role. Your best bet is to enter the ring calmly and impartially by making an observation, a non-judgemental statement–“Wow, it seems like you are having a hard time getting along.”
If necessary, you can calmly separate the children into separate areas and say, “I can tell everyone is frustrated. Let’s take a moment and calm down.”
Your energy really sets the mood here. Be calm, unflappable, and impartial, and your children won’t get the attention they are seeking for in the moment.
3. Check To See Everyone Is Safe
Once the dust has settled, attend to your children and check for any battle wounds. If a band-aid or an ice pack is needed, calmly procure one without placing blame on either party.
You’ll be amazed how calmly your children respond to bi-partisan medical treatment–the child who was once “the victim” will be unimpressed with your lack of over-empathizing while the child who was once “the aggressor” will be less empowered to own the role of “bully.”
Once you know everyone is safe, you want to bring the energy in the house completely down–get everyone a glass of water, offer a small snack, turn on some soothing music, have them hug their favorite stuffed animal, and take deep breaths. However, you can effectively de-escalate the situation in a timely fashion–do that.
Note:For Positive Parenting Solutions members, see Step 5 Lessons #37-44 to equip yourself with all the tools you need to resolve the sibling rivalry issues in your home!
After the Fight: Don’t Take Sides
Once the fighting has subsided, and no more punches are being thrown, it’s the perfect time to practice some conflict resolution skills.
Don’t move onto these steps, however, until everyone is calm and collected–otherwise, your valiant effort might be thwarted if another fight breaks out.
Also, keep in mind if you’ve entered sibling fights combatively and energetically in the past, it will take some practice to enter calmly and impartially. Your children will be thrown off the first few times you do it, so prepare yourself to stay the course and consistently implement these conflict resolution tools if you expect to see results.
1. Sportscast A Solution
A sportscaster simply calls the shots–he doesn’t place judgment, blame or issue a verdict. Instead, he uses phrases like, “What I hear you saying is it made you sad when your brother took the toy from you.” or “I see you felt annoyed when your sister kept repeating what you were saying.”
By encouraging children to use “I feel…” statements–I feel sad when…, I feel hurt when…, I feel frustrated when…–they learn to simply state the facts and share how the circumstances made them feel.
When sibling fights turn into a blame game, it’s nearly impossible to make a plan for peace. On the other hand, when children express feelings, there is no arguing–you can’t tell someone, “No, you didn’t feel that way.”
As you’re sportscasting, remain bipartisan. Let the kids express their frustrations without blame and simply moderate the discussion. If it starts to get heated again, take a break and come back later when everyone can calmly discuss what happened.
2. Practice The Re-do.
Once everyone has aired their feelings, help your children figure out what they could do differently next time, then practice it. This gives your children an opportunity to learn more effective ways to handle those big emotions in the future.
Be patient–emotions can be overpowering, and these new habits and skills take time to learn.
For younger kids, have each child role-play with a stuffed animal. Encourage your child to practice what to do when she gets frustrated–walk away, ask for help, use her words to say how she feels, etc.
When kids use stuffed animals to play out the situation, they are able to detach their own emotions from the scenario and see it as an outsider.
For older kids, role-playing works great and is often enjoyable when a parent or two pretends to be the kids. When children see what their behavior looks like from the outside and practice the appropriate behaviors, they will be better equipped to resolve a feud in the future.
Being able to use these conflict resolution strategies in the heat of the moment won’t happen overnight but practicing them early and often is the key.
3. Model Peaceful Communication.
The more respectful the environment is at home, the less likely kids will be to use aggression toward each other. Model kindness and respect, and train all your kids to do the same, and the levels of aggression-inducing stress and frustration will decrease.
Acknowledge your child when you see them managing their emotions without hitting. Point it out–say, “You really kept yourself under control when you were frustrated with your brother. I know that was hard. You’re really growing up!”
Remember, it won’t be easy at first, but as I like to say—practice makes progress, and progress makes more peace in your home.
Note:For Positive Parenting Solutions members, see the advanced module on Sibling Bullying if you need more resources to stop the physical sibling fights.
Final Thoughts
Sibling fighting can feel scary and frustrating–making parents wonder if they will EVER get along.
If you’re struggling with siblings fighting in your home, I’d love to walk you through a step-by-step roadmap that will reduce the stress, aggravation, and fear that comes with parenting sibling feuds.
I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and have helped thousands of families solve this problem. I know this is one of the most frustrating power struggles families face, which is why I dedicated an entire Step of the Positive Parenting Solutions course to this one issue.
I wish I could share everything you need to know about sibling squabbles in this one article, but there is so much to learn about sibling rivalry and fighting (which is why it takes me over 3 hours of instruction to teach parents how to handle the feuds well!)
Keep learning, my friend–you’ve got this, and we’re here to help.
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Let’s consider the son in the candy aisle.
