parenting

You’ve tried it–that whole “Positive Parenting” thing.

You tried not to yell or hand out rewards, but alas, the kids are still running amok all over your house.

Again, you’re left defeated–feeling like threats and punishments are the only way to get your kids to know you’re actually serious and behave in the moment.

I totally get it. I remember (like it was yesterday) feeling at the end of my rope.  Thinking to myself, “Am I even cut out to be a mother?”  “Why is this so difficult for me?” “Why does it feel like my kids are always winning?”

Let’s be honest, friends, there is no more difficult task than raising those tiny humans and doing it WELL!

But what I’ve learned from my own journey of being a daily yeller to a parenting instructor who teaches parents how NOT to yell is that systemic change takes time.
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You’ve asked your child to do something. Very calmly. Very rationally. And very deliberately.

Instead of action, you get the kid equivalent of crickets. Radio silence.

“Maybe they didn’t hear me?” you think. So, you ask again nicely.  Firmly, but nicely.

Nothing.

You feel yourself rapidly falling into the familiar cycle of “Repeat. Remind. Repeat. Remind.”

And then it happens–the fuse blows. In a moment of utter defeat, you’re left screaming the same demands you had requested calmly just minutes ago. The energy escalates and everyone is left frustrated and discouraged.

I get it. So do most parents. I’ve been a parenting educator for 15+ years and can say unequivocally that children “not listening” is the most common frustration I hear from moms and dads.

Here’s the thing though, if you want to get a handle on your child’s unresponsiveness, the first thing you need to do is figure out WHY he is NOT listening. More often than not, his lack of response is a SYMPTOM, not the actual problem.

If you don’t address this issue at its roots, you’re sure to see a simple case of “not listening” blossom into bigger behavior issues such as tantrums, defiance, and backtalk.

Why Don’t Kids Listen?

Good question! Why are they tuning you out? Why do you have to repeat something over and over until you find yourself yelling?

(Before we go any further, be sure you’ve ruled out any potential medical condition that could be affecting your child’s hearing or comprehension. If you are confident your child’s ears are fully-functioning, read on.)

Children of all ages–toddler through teens–have a hard-wired need for power.  When children don’t have opportunities to exert their power in positive ways–choosing what clothes to wear, making the dinner menu, picking what game to play, etc.–they will exert their power in negative ways.

Because children DO have control over their body and language, the most common (and frustrating) power struggles occur when children use their bodies and language to defy our requests.

By choosing NOT to listen, children can assert their power. This behavior is simply a way children express their need for more control and decision-making ability in their lives.

I’m not suggesting you let them call every shot. However, by implementing a few easy-to-learn positive parenting techniques, you can give your children power within your boundaries. By doing this, cooperation from your children will improve and the dreaded repeat – remind – repeat – remind cycle will come to an end.

Is “Not Listening” Just a Label?

Before we dive into strategies to improve communication with your children, consider this question–What exactly are you referring to when you say your child “doesn’t listen?”

When talking to parents, “not listening” usually ends up being a blanket term that covers a myriad of issues. Because “not listening” is so broad, it can be difficult to find a solution.

I’m not saying there aren’t times when your child is just flat-out ignoring you–that happens! However, more often than not, it’s less about “not listening” and more about some underlying issue.

Is she tired, hungry, or not feeling well? Or, is there some deeper control issue that is causing her to disconnect such as…

Chores?

Homework?

Bedtime?

Sibling frustrations?

Don’t lump every communication shutdown under the “not listening” umbrella. Dig in and discover what’s really going on, then you can make an action plan to specifically address that problem.

Now, if it truly is a classic case of not listening, here are 7 steps you can take to ensure your kids actually hear you.

7 Steps to Get Kids to Listen

1. Get on Their Level

When you need your child’s attention, make sure you get her attention–that means eye contact. When you lower yourself down and look her in the eye, you not only verify she sees and hears you, but you strengthen the communication as well.

This means you might have to step away from the laundry or put down the whisk for a minute and step into the other room. Proximity is key–you’re not talking down to her or barking orders from the other room–you’re speaking with her.  

2. Do Away With “Don’t”

Don’t touch your brother. Don’t run in the hall. Don’t play with your food. Don’t read the next sentence. (See what I did there?)

Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require kids to double process. Kids have to answer two questions:

1) What does she NOT want me to do?

2) What does she want me to do instead?

That’s confusing and contradictory. For example, if you say “Don’t touch your brother,” a child has to stop the current behavior AND determine the appropriate alternative behavior–If I can’t touch him, does that mean I can’t hug him? Can we play tag? Can I give him a high five? Can I help him put on his jacket or tie his shoes if mom asks?

Instead, tell your child what to DO.

Instead of “Don’t touch your brother,” try “Use gentle touches when touching your brother” or “Your brother doesn’t want to be touched right now, so please keep your hands folded while we are in the car.”

Instead of “Don’t leave your toys all over the floor,” try “Please put your toys in the toy bin.”

Instead of “Don’t run in the hall,” try “Please walk in the hall.”

3. Say YES to “YES”

Think about it for a moment. What is your normal, knee-jerk reaction to the 10,000 requests you get from your child every day? “NO,” right?

When you’re bombarded with requests, it’s difficult to sift through them in a meaningful way, so you just deliver canned responses–“No, not today.” “No, I don’t have time for that.” “No.” “Nope.” “Nada.”

But when “no” is your constant go-to answer, it’s no wonder kids stop listening to YOUR requests! Look for reasons to say yes more often. Your “yes” answers will begin to surprise and delight your child and have them paying more attention when you ask for something!

Instead of “No we can’t go to the park,” try “The park sounds awesome! Should we go Friday after school or Saturday morning?”

Instead of “No, you can’t have ice cream” try “Ice cream is delicious! Would you like to have it for dessert on Saturday or Sunday evening?”

While there will still be situations that require a hard “no,” by offering more “yeses” you’ll increase the chances your kid will tune you back in.

4. Shorten Your Speech

Oh boy, I was as guilty of this as anyone. Parents, and especially moms, tend to turn a five-second answer into a five-minute dissertation!

There’s a saying in the sales industry, “never sell with blah-blah what you can sell with blah.” I think it makes sense in parenting too. When trying to get your kid’s attention, be as concise as possible and they won’t even have time to tune you out!

5. Say “Thank You” in Advance

Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your preemptive “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior much more than, “I better not see your towel on the floor again!”

People, and yes, even children, will usually live up to our expectations if we manage them in a positive way. Letting them know, in advance, that we trust them to do the right thing will cultivate open communication lines and increase the likelihood the task will get completed.

6. Ensure Comprehension

A simple way to ensure your child has heard you and that she understands is to ask her to repeat back what you said.

In the medical field, studies have shown that 40-80% of the information doctors relay to patients is either forgotten completely or misunderstood (and keep in mind, these are ADULTS we are talking about, not just children).

To combat this misunderstanding, doctors have begun using the teach-back method, which calls on patients to “teach back” to the doctor what treatment instructions they were just given. This method has been shown to drastically increase information retention from patients.

The same tool can be used effectively with children. Once you’ve made eye contact, shortened your speech, and clearly explained what you need your child to do, calmly ask your child to repeat back what they’ve just heard.

By ensuring everyone is on the same page, you will see an instant improvement in communication and cooperation in your home.

7. Make an Observation

If you see a task that’s been left undone, don’t dive in with a big reprimand,  just make an OBSERVATION: “I see a jacket on the floor,” or you can ask, “What is your plan for taking care of the trash today?”  

“What is your plan for?” is one of my favorite strategies to avoid power struggles. It’s empowering because it’s assumptive on your part that they have a plan–and gives your child an opportunity to save face and quickly come up with a plan in the moment if they didn’t already have one!

“Oh yeah! I was planning on taking out the trash right after I finish my lunch.”  This gives you the chance to put a positive parenting empowerment spin on the whole conversation! “That’s awesome–I really appreciate your help, buddy.”  

Final Thoughts

Remember that “not listening” should always be a wakeup call for us. While it might seem like defiance or inattention on their part–it is more than likely a way to get our attention or express their need for power.

Kids and adults alike have a need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, kids will stop listening to us. It may sound counterintuitive, but CLEARLY it works since it’s the number one complaint parents share!

If power struggles like not listening are creating stress in your family, I’d love to walk you through our step-by-step road map for parenting toddlers to teens. I love to help parents solve this issue and have helped thousands of families just like yours.

If you’re not quite ready to jump in, at least join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS.

I’ll teach you more strategies to get your kids to LISTEN without nagging, reminding, or yelling and you’ll start feeling relief within days!

As always, happy parenting! We’re here for you!

A Guest Post from Laura Tierney, a Social Media expert and founder of The Social Institute

If you’re the parent of a tween or teen, you know how important smartphones have become to this generation. Like the newfound freedom of getting a driver’s license, getting a smartphone means fresh independence and more ways to connect with friends (and yes, possibly strangers).

Like driving, there are many benefits to having a smartphone, however, the consequences for misuse can be high. So, how can we coach our kids to use this powerful device safely and positively? Let’s take a cue from Driver’s Ed.

When it’s time for our kids to drive, they aren’t simply handed keys to a car after a quick lecture about the importance of seat belts and speed limits. Instead, we buckle up alongside them and start down the road together. And we don’t start on a freeway during rush-hour. We begin in the driveway, and then on back roads, and the progression continues as our kids show readiness.

Parents must do the same with social media, which is now one of the biggest drivers of a student’s social development.

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Just when you think you’ve seen it all, brace yourself – there’s more!

After the release of the Original Tooth Fairy Poll by Delta Dental, I was asked to comment on what this means for kids and parents – and also marveling at the fact that there actually is a “Lost Tooth Index” complete with an S&P 500 logo and well-calculated stats to go with it!

In this annual survey of more than 1,000 parents with kids under twelve, Delta Dental found that the going rate for a lost tooth is around $4.70 on average, up by 17% from $4.03 last year.

To begin with, the whole idea of payout “averages” has to make parents laugh.  Can you imagine searching through your wallet and junk drawer to “make change” to slip under a child’s pillow?

“I need another dime, honey! We haven’t met the average!”

Isn’t the tooth fairy business complicated enough?

Secondly, on the heels of this “dramatic financial loss” for tooth-losing children everywhere, I caught wind of a story that circulated over a year ago about a nine-year-old who conducted a “controlled experiment” to prove that the tooth fairy wasn’t real and that his parents were in on the hoax!  

I feel for that kid’s parents – and frankly, parents everywhere on this topic! Who out there hasn’t woken up in a cold sweat realizing that YOU FORGOT to don your Tooth Fairy wings and stealthily slide the “goods” under their pillow?

I know I’ve had the “tooth fairy fail” more than once and found myself launching into full-on fix-it mode the next morning. (It’s amazing how creative we can be!)

(Also, I’m now having flashes of Elf on the Shelf parenting fail conversations to further compound our ‘magical visitor’ dialogue!)

Being a parent carries a lot of pressure, right????

Tooth Fairy Payouts Can Breed Entitlement

The trending interest in tooth fairy payouts does give me an opportunity to share a few thoughts on the topic of the tooth fairy, fair wages, and how not to raise an entitled child. You might be surprised at how often the question of tooth fairy protocol comes up in the Positive Parenting Solutions community.

Let me say that leaving money under pillows from the Tooth Fairy is a time-honored tradition in millions of homes. After all, this cool fairy has credentials and her own Wikipedia page. She was even referenced in the Chicago Tribune as early as 1908!

There’s nothing wrong with carrying on tradition. The key is not letting it turn into a gateway drug to a full case of entitlement.

After all, if your kids can badger and negotiate their way into a higher Tooth Fairy payout, will they also be able to be negotiate a later bedtime? Or your blessing to wear makeup in elementary school? Perhaps the newest and coolest tech device – because after all, everyone else has one?

How Much Should The Tooth Fairy Pay?

To avoid sliding down this slippery slope to a full-blown case of entitlement, my advice to parents is to remember your long term objective – to raise responsible, respectful, grateful people.

In keeping with the long game, I recommend choosing a lost-tooth payout early in your parenting career and sticking with it. It doesn’t have to increase with the rate of inflation or be linked to national interest rates. It can (and should) be your decision.

If your child isn’t happy with the going tooth fairy rate at your house and complains that the kid next door gets a higher “finder’s fee” for his or her tooth, redirect the dialogue to what your child will do with their treasure:

Do you plan to save your tooth fairy money or spend it on something fun?  

Don’t try to keep up with the Joneses – or any other family.

Here’s why: When you start competing with other parents and giving in to demands to meet or exceed what others are doing – or more importantly, what your child feels entitled to, you’ll find yourself on a slippery slope of giving in to go along.

And that is quite the opposite of Positive Parenting.

Traditions are wonderful. I’m taken back to when my now grown up boys were little and wiggling their own teeth in anticipation of the Tooth Fairy. It feels like just yesterday and a million years ago all at once.

Don’t let the Tooth Fairy or the S&P or national indexes or survey polls spoil any of that for you. Decide what YOU will do and enjoy the sweet memories and the magic.

Soon enough, there will be enough complicated “reality” in their lives and in yours.

And if you need help navigating the sometimes tricky, other times awesome, and occasionally exasperating journey of parenting children in a time where entitlement seems to be almost a birthright – we’ve got you covered.

Join us for our next class to learn more!  

Best of luck to your precious family from all of us at Positive Parenting Solutions!