“Positive Parenting? Isn’t that the one where every kid gets a trophy and parents give into the child’s every request?”
“Oh, Positive Parenting? I tried that once. It doesn’t work for my kid. He only listens when I yell.”
“My parents didn’t use Positive Parenting and I turned out fine.”
“Positive Parenting is making our kids weak and lazy because parents don’t discipline kids anymore.”
Oh, my friend. I’ve heard it all. And I get it, because I, too, was once a skeptic.
When you’re being hit from all sides with parenting advice–both online and in person–it’s difficult to sift through it all and figure out what will really work for your family.
Once I discovered what Positive Parenting REALLY is, and began seeing the transformation in my family first-hand, all my skepticism melted away.
To help you decide if positive parenting is a good fit for your family, let’s debunk the 5 Positive Parenting myths that I hear all the time.
It’s the age-old question, isn’t it? For generations, parents worldwide have debated the most effective parenting methods until their kids had kids and those kids had kids.
What’s worse, the division lines are strong – parents on both sides of the camp dig in their heels insisting THEIR way is the most effective way to raise children. All the while, desperate parents are searching for genuinely helpful solutions that will finally bring peace into their homes.
The list is endless, my friend. I know how endless it is because I once asked all of these questions and more after I reached my limit. Having gone to bed hoarse nearly every night from reminding, nagging and yes, yelling – while still seeing NO changes in my kids’ behavior – I knew there had to be a better way.
You can learn all about how I got to this place, but let me encourage you, all hope is not lost. I know because I’ve been there – deep in the trenches of parenting seeing no way out. I firmly believe that knowledge is power, and with the right tools, you can become the parent you’ve always dreamed of being. The disciplining wisdom I want to share with you literally changed the trajectory of my family and thousands of others.
The Positive Parenting methods I teach are built on two very firm foundations – Adlerian Psychology and Positive Discipline. Because these tools are rooted in sound science and heavily-researched practices, I can confidently say these tools work for children from toddlers to teens and are effective no matter what circumstances your family may find themselves in.
What is the Goal of Discipline?
Before we discuss the dos and don’ts of parenting, let’s take a moment and consider the goal of discipline.
If I were to ask you about your discipline goals, you’re probably thinking about those goals in terms of typical misbehaviors:
While each of these goals is completely valid and well-intended, when we pigeonhole our focus onto one or two problems, we miss the point of discipline.
Disciplining, as opposed to punishing, is all about training. It is the idea that we want to guide, instruct, inform, and teach our children HOW to behave instead of punishing them for misbehaving. The goal of discipline isn’t short-sighted or specific to one problem area.
The goal of discipline is a long-term objective.
Think of it this way – if I were to ask you to pick three adjectives you hope will describe your child during adulthood, which words would you pick? Resilient? Respectful? Capable? Self-sufficient? Hard-working? Self-Motivated? Compassionate? Generous?…
When you’re considering a discipline method, ask yourself if that method will guide and instruct your child to be more like the adjectives you chose.
Does yelling at your child teach him how to be respectful to others?
Does spanking your child teach her to show compassion or generosity?
Does paying your child for good grades teach him to be self-motivated?
Does cleaning your child’s room or picking up the toys encourage her to be self-sufficient?
The daily goal of discipline is to have your children learn from their mistakes and not repeat them. Unfortunately, most parents have only been taught short-term solutions.
Consider the ever-popular “time out” tactic of sending kids to their room to “think about what they’ve done.” Do they really “think about what they’ve done and consider other choices?”
Probably not.
Because they are 5.
And they don’t have the processing skills to reflect on what they did wrong and what they could do differently next time.
But they DO have the emotional awareness to know how frustrated they are with mommy or brother or friend.
The problem with time-outs (and counting to three and spanking and taking away privileges) is these punishments fail to teach or train the child the appropriate way to respond in a situation.
Just because a child is told “no” over and over doesn’t mean he inherently understands what behavior would receive a “yes.” Without proper training, kids will keep up the same behaviors despite the punishment.
When you reframe your discipline strategies by considering long-term goals, you can focus on the small training decisions each day that will teach your child how to be a capable, resilient, and respectful adult.
How Do You Discipline Your Child?
As I mentioned before, we often equate the term “discipline” with “punishment.”
“Punish” comes from the Latin root punir, which means “to chastise, take vengeance for, inflict a penalty on, cause pain for some offense.”
But the word “discipline” comes from the Latin word disciplina, which means “to teach, to guide, to instruct.”
That’s the key to correcting our kids’ behaviors – giving them the tools they need to learn an alternative POSITIVE behavior to replace the negative behavior.
When we punish with the intent to have the child “pay” for their mistake, it doesn’t help her learn how to make a better choice next time. Punishment often leads to power contests, and because our kids know poor behavior gets them attention, they’ll keep doing it.
Because these frustrating misbehaviors take up so much of a parent’s energy and patience, they understandably want to know HOW TO RESPOND in the moment. But here’s the problem…if all we do is REACT to parenting problems, we’ll miss the mark (and become completely exhausted.)
The most effective discipline strategies are those that PROACTIVELY PREPARE a child so the parent doesn’t have to REACTIVELY RESPOND.
Successful discipline requires an initial investment up front. But trust me, my friend, your initial investments will have great behavioral payoffs in the long run.
When it comes to knowing how to effectively discipline your child to achieve LONG-TERM results, here are three areas to get you started:
1. Fill the Attention Basket
Kids need attention, plain and simple. If we don’t keep that “attention basket” full of positive attention, kids will seek out any attention they can get – even negative attention. They’ll push our buttons with negative behaviors; because, to a kid, even negative attention is a “deposit” in the attention bucket.
This doesn’t mean you have to be at your child’s side 24/7 – just taking a few minutes a day to spend one-on-one with your child, distraction-free and doing something they want to do, will reap immense rewards in their behavior.
Take 10 minutes once or twice a day with each child and play a game they’ve picked or read their favorite book. Let the phone go to voicemail. Don’t respond to the text. Let the dishes sit in the sink.
When you fill your children’s attention baskets positively and proactively, your kids will become more cooperative and less likely to seek out attention in negative ways.
Life is busy for everyone, and finding extra time in the day may be daunting at first, but think of this as an investment in your relationship with your children and improving their behavior. When it comes to knowing how to discipline your child, giving them what they need to avoid poor behaviors in the first place can have a great impact.
Note:For Positive Parenting Solutions Members, refer to STEP 1 to learn the secrets to easily implementing MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® activities in your already too-busy day! Also, see the Ultimate Survival Guide, MBST: Your Secret Weapon for Better Behavior.
2. Take Time for Training
As you think about how to discipline your child, it’s important to remember the root meaning of the word – teach, instruct, guide, inform. The best way to discipline your child is to help her make better choices by teaching her the correct behavior or response.
Role-playing is a great way to do this.
For example, if your child is having trouble sharing and this results in her hitting another child, instead of whisking her away to time-out, diffuse the situation and show her the appropriate way to respond.
“I’d really like to play with that tractor when you’re done.”
Or if your child is throwing a tantrum because they are hungry, give them the appropriate language to use, “I’d like a snack, please.”
And here’s the fun part – switch roles and pretend you’re the child and let your little one direct you through making better choices. And remember, like anything, this will take consistency and repetition. Don’t expect your child to respond appropriately after one round of role-playing. But practice makes progress and progress makes more peace in your home.
Lastly, be encouraging when your kids make the right choices – or even show ANY movement in the right direction. “I see you worked hard to clean up the playroom all on your own! That’s such a big help. I really appreciate it.” or “Thank you for sharing the book with your brother. How kind!”
3. Set Limits and Stick to Them
With the busyness that plagues families today, it can be difficult to be consistent in your daily schedules. But the reality is, kids thrive when they have structure and know their boundaries. When the expectations are clearly communicated in advance, kids have a framework to work within.
This doesn’t mean you need to go overboard with hundreds of rules, but focus on what’s most important for your family. Be clear about the ground rules and what happens when someone breaks the rules – make sure that everyone understands the consequences ahead of time and that the discipline is related to the misbehavior.
If he refuses to adhere to your technology time limits, he loses his technology privileges for the next day or week (depending on the age).
But, making her clean the garage because she didn’t do her homework isn’t related and is therefore not an appropriate consequence.
Above all, be consistent. Follow through every time with the agreed-upon consequence when kids push the rules.
Note:For Positive Parenting Solutions course members, refer to Session 3, Lessons 25 & 26 for everything you need to know about implementing effective consequences in your home.
Final Thoughts
My friend, this parenting ride can feel overwhelming! I hope you’re feeling a little more hopeful as you implement these starter discipline strategies. Unfortunately, I can never get all of the information I’d love to share with you in one little blog, but I’d love for you to continue learning with me!
If you still have discipline questions, I’d be honored if you’d join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS.
I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling!
Wishing you all the best on your parenting adventure!
I see it all the time – parents lamenting the fact that their children are “disrespectful” or “don’t respect my rules” or “show no respect to their elders.”
I totally get how frustrating that is. All parents want their kids to be kind, polite, and respectful to everyone they interact with. Obviously, it’s important children know how to act in a civilized society – but let’s be honest, we also feel incredibly guilty or embarrassed when OUR kids are disrespectful. We can just feel the judgment of other parents when our son or daughter snaps back at the cashier at Target.
So the big question remains: in a world where common courtesies come and go, how can we teach our kids to be respectful?! Both respectful to us and to other kids and adults? The answer is that WE have to model the respect we hope to see from our kids.
The truth is, you may feel like you’re already doing that and the respect still isn’t reciprocated. If that’s the case, stay with me, my friend. As you’ll learn in this article, there are a few ways even well-intentioned parents accidentally undermine the development of this mutually respectful relationship without even knowing it.
The good news is we can make a few simple tweaks to the way we interact with our children that will ENCOURAGE a mutually respectful relationship. When we make an intentional effort to model a respectful attitude for our children, they are more likely to mimic it. The idea that children deserve to be treated with respect and dignity is the foundation of Positive Parenting.
What does it look like to show our kids respect?Read More →
Has your dining room table turned into a battlefield?
Instead of reminiscing about the day, do you spend mealtime engaged in a hostage negotiation over vegetables?
To add insult to injury, is the culinary masterpiece you slaved over treated with disdain as your child flings it into the dog’s mouth or reminds you again how disgusting broccoli is?
Before you know it, you’ve thrown your hands up in surrender or dropped your head to the table in utter defeat, wondering how steamed carrots could cause such a guttural reaction.
I hear you. As a busy working mom with two sons who had “discriminating tastes” when they were younger, I know all about “picky” problems and mealtime meltdowns. By implementing a few strategies, I was able to squelch the mealtime battles once and for all. (And good news, my sons are now young adults and they actually eat vegetables – there is hope for you too!)
Here are 8 steps you can take to end the war with picky eaters in your house:
Have you ever met a more persistent creature than a child trying to get what she wants? I don’t know about you, but I haven’t. There is no one with greater resolve or dedication than a kid on a mission to get their parent’s approval.
Unfortunately, this level of persistence isn’t always well-received by parents who are often forced into these hostage negotiations at inopportune times – in the candy aisle of the grocery store, in the toy aisle of Target, in the middle of trying to cook dinner, while trying to take a shower. It’s as if children can see we are vulnerable and try to pounce in our moments of weakness.
While it’s important to teach children gratitude to combat the pleading in the stores, it’s equally important to stop the negotiations before they get out of hand. From the famed “Are we there yet?” to this morning’s “Can I have ice cream for breakfast?” to this afternoon’s “Can I have ice cream for dinner?” kids are notorious for their one-track minds, and they will ask…and ask…and ask…just in case you’ve changed your mind in the last minute. Read More →
Has the winter weather got you down? For parents with little ones, winter days can feel like an eternity.
Cold temperatures, snow days, weather hazards, the dreaded cold and flu season, and the onset of cabin fever can lead to a frustrating loop of, “I’m bored” and “What are we going to do NOW?”
Before you curse the cold and throw your hands in the air in a helpless act of surrender, let me assure you there is hope! It IS possible to keep your kids healthy and happy this winter season without losing all your marbles.
Here are seven ways to keep winter blues at bay:
1. Turn Off Technology
“WHAT?” you’re probably thinking, “The TV and tablets are the only things keeping me sane!”
It seems counterintuitive–right? Technology is an easy go-to for winter storm relief, but a little Minecraft goes a long way. A steady stream of screen time can do more harm than good.
One study found that adolescents who had more screen time were at an increased risk to show these symptoms:
Increased impulsivity
Hyperactivity-impulsivity, such as having trouble controlling their body
While technology may keep your children occupied for a moment or two, the long-term effects are brutal. In the same way eating one cookie isn’t going to cause a health problem, a diet of cookies won’t bode well for your waistline or heart health.
While you may be tempted to relax on your technology limits when the cold keeps you in, hold fast, my friend. Keep your technology limits in place and turn to alternatives that engage kids’ minds and bodies. The long-term payoff will be worth it!
2. Think Outside the Living Room
Don’t get stuck in a rut. Head to your local YMCA, jump for an hour at the indoor trampoline arena, visit the art and science museum, or hit up a gym with a kid zone.
Even if bad weather has you stranded at home, you can still go outside your living room. Is there a tubing hill nearby that’s covered in snow?
Sure, it may be daunting to bundle everyone up and get them out the door, but the effort will pay off. The short-term frustration of managing the hats, gloves, and jackets will diminish as your kids burn energy on a giant outdoor playground or at another fun activity.
3. Get Creative With Your Kids
Once a week, sit down with your kids and brainstorm 10 family fun time ideas for the week. Then, see how many you can check off! Here are a few ideas:
Build a blanket fort
Go indoor “camping”–tent and all
Bake cakes in cups
Try new recipes
Play with clay
Break out rolls of craft paper with crayons and markers
There are hundreds of ways to keep kids engaged and entertained, and (fortunately for us) an entire internet filled with ideas.
4. Let the Light In
Some of what invites a downward turn in emotion is simply the lack of light in the wintertime. The leafless trees, the gray skies, the brown grass, the short days–when combined, winter can feel drab and dreary.
Without that big dose of Vitamin D from the sun every day, it’s easier to feel blue. To combat those feelings, open the curtains, turn on the lights, and make things as bright as you can in your living and play spaces. Even if it’s not a bright, sunny 80-degree day, invite the light in–artificial or natural–and you’ll notice a difference in your children’s moods and behaviors.
5. Remember Routines
With cold weather zapping everyone’s energy and snow days throwing a monkey wrench into outdoor plans, it’s easy to get lazy with regular routines. Combat schedule sluggishness by sticking to your set routines each day–even when bad weather cancels school or quells activities.
When the expectation exists that household jobs and homework continue to be done daily, they’ll be no need for questioning or quarreling later. When parents are consistent with routines and structure, kids feel more secure–giving them fewer reasons to act out.
6. Look for Silver Linings
I get it. Your plans have changed, too. Maybe you were looking forward to a coffee date with a friend or had dreams of grocery shopping by yourself. But the storm came in, and the kids are home from school.
While it’s easy to focus on the activities you’ll miss out on, let me encourage you to turn your gaze to the silver linings of the situation. Your attitude and response to situations like this have an extreme impact on your children’s responses–they are feeding off your cues.
Make it a practice to help your kids be mindful and in the present–even when things don’t go their way. Steer the narrative away from the bad weather to the fun activities of the day, the blessing of time together, and the opportunity to get creative. Helping kids shift their mindsets now will not only get YOU through the gray days of winter, but will help them see the silver linings in the major and minor upsets of life.
While you consider all the ways you can promote healthy and happy children while avoiding bad weather, I will ask you to consider another idea. All over the world, Forest Schools are popping up that adhere to the saying “There is no bad weather, only bad clothes.”
This idea is simple–when kids are properly dressed, they can safely and joyfully explore the world outside. These schools hold classes outside all year round and simply ask that kids come dressed appropriately for the weather.
While I know every parent should win a Nobel Peace Prize for getting a 2-year-old dressed to go out in the snow, I’d encourage you, whenever possible, to still spend some time outside. Even when it’s cold or rainy, kids still find enjoyment splashing in puddles and making snow angels. Dig deep to find your silver lining, my friend, and let them explore outside when you can!
Final Thoughts
Whatever the season, there are always ways to promote healthy, happy, positive practices that make the weather matter less and the time together matter more. It’s often in those creative, out-of-the-norm moments when some of the best memories are made. Enjoy them.
If you feel like you’ve tried similar strategies to tackle your winter blues, and you’re still feeling at the end of your rope, I’d love for you to join me for a FREE parenting class.
In one hour, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, reminding or yelling. Winter blues or not, your kids deserve a calm and confident parent–and I’d love to help you get there.
Stay warm and safe, and as always – happy parenting!
Copyright 2004-2025 Positive Parenting Solutions. All rights reserved.
Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc. is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com
