Your teen refused to do his homework for the 6th day in a row, your 4th grader doesn’t listen when you ask him to turn off the tv, and your 3-year-old wages World War III at the dinner table every night.
You’ve gone to sleep exhausted and overwhelmed for as long as you can remember. Your struggles are so different with each child you don’t even know where to start. Before you close your eyes for the night, you key out the most desperate Google search your fingers can muster: “How to Parent”
These 3 words are both a cry for help and an admission that something has to change. Sure, you’ve been a parent for over 12 years, but every day’s new challenges make you feel like it’s your first day on the job.
And you know what, my friend? You are not alone. Parents all over the world find themselves deep in the parenting trenches searching for help on a daily basis. While we have immeasurable love for our children and long so deeply to see them grow into compassionate and capable adults, the truth is we aren’t naturally equipped to handle sibling rivalry or diffuse a tantrum. In fact, our gut responses can often make the behaviors worse. Read More →
But, how do you pick the right one? Your Facebook newsfeed is filled with offers and every Google search generates different course options all touting excellent results.
I’ve been a parenting coach for over 15 years, and I know there is a wide spectrum of course offerings. Before you hand over your credit card information, let’s break down some key differences in online parenting classes, shall we?
In general, there are 3 types of online parenting courses you’ll find:
Court-ordered courses
Compartmentalized courses
Comprehensive courses.
To make the most informed purchasing decision, it’s critical you understand the differences between each type of course.Read More →
Parenting. No one ever told you it would be this hard, did they? Well, maybe they did, but you didn’t believe them.
After all, you didn’t even have children. And because you didn’t have children, you wouldn’t know how hard it is…that is…until you had them.
And now you know.
You know parenting is the most gut-wrenching and simultaneously rewarding job on the planet.
You know it’s equal parts frustrating and life-giving.
You know it’s possible to love spending time with someone so fiercely but also jump for joy when they fall asleep.
But maybe you don’t know how to navigate the temper tantrums. Or how to stop the hitting. Or how to curb the backtalk.
You’ve tried timeouts and consequences and counting to three, but nothing seems to work.
So now you’re looking for answers. And with the limitless amount of parenting advice your search engine produces, it’s impossible to sort through it all.
You vowed to be together for better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, but now you’re in a parenting standoff and can’t seem to agree on A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
You’re tired of yelling at your kids. Your partner is tired of their disrespect. You try to implement positive parenting strategies. Your partner insists on sending them to time out. You dread mealtime. Your partner dreads bathtime.
The tension is palpable, and your kids notice. They know you’re the strict one and your partner is more lenient. They know who will cave under pressure and whose fuse will blow first.
If there is one thing you can ALL agree on, it’s this: Something has to change.
The standoff can’t continue.
Your kids are too important. Your marriage is too important. Your family is way too important to let discipline differences wear everyone down.
So what should you do about it?
First, take a deep breath. A REALLY deep breath.
There is hope for you and your family, my friend. Lots of hope.
I’m here to suggest 9 tangible steps you and your partner can take TODAY to set a new foundation in your home – a foundation you can both feel comfortable standing on as you continue your parenting journey.
Step 1: Find (Any) Common Ground
Assuming a partner needs to get on YOUR parenting page immediately puts you in a power struggle. It’s not “my way or yours”–it’s about coming together with a philosophy and strategies you both feel good about.
Start by identifying the aspects of parenting and discipline where you DO agree. You’ll be more successful identifying similarities than focusing energy on the areas where you disagree.
Look for the positives. Identify the parenting strategies your partner uses that you appreciate.
Are they encouraging?
Do they use a respectful tone?
Do they play with the kids?
Are they consistent?
Do they have reasonable expectations of your kids?
Are they loving?
Even if all you can say with confidence is “I appreciate how much you love our children,” that is a positive foundation to build upon.
After all, your partner DOES love your kids. And even though his/her parenting style may differ from yours, their discipline approach comes from a place of LOVE.
This is not a time for blaming or rehashing – this is a fresh start for everyone involved, so build on your commonalities.
Step 2: Explore the Underlying Reasons Why You Disagree on Discipline
Without new knowledge and outside influences, parents are often predisposed to repeat the same patterns of behavior as their parents. This is why you’ll hear moms all over the world catch themselves in a moment of shock and mutter, “Oh no! I sound just like my mom!”
For those with negative childhood discipline experiences, these parents often vow to not repeat the same discouraging behaviors with their own children.
Or conversely, (and more frequently) those who agree with the discipline techniques used by their own parents will repeat the same strategies and use the same language they internalized as a child.
This scenario plays out when you hear a parent say, “My parents did _____ and I turned out ok!”
This justification for parenting choices is a slippery slope, because you are taking your experience as a single person and applying it to an entire group of people.
For example, you might hear someone say, “I never wore a seatbelt growing up, and I turned out fine.” Chances are, if this were the case, the same person probably wasn’t in a messy car accident, either.
This person’s one experience can’t be used to justify banning seatbelts because, inevitably, someone is going to get into a car accident and need a seatbelt to save their life.
And sure, this negative effect might be something as simple as a quick-temper or mild anxiety, but it could also create emotional trauma that is much deeper than you ever intended.
If you find yourself using the “I turned out fine” argument to justify your position, I’d encourage you to really dig deep and evaluate where these feelings are coming from.
To find common ground with your parenting partner, it’s critical you each do a little soul-searching and discover WHY you disagree.
What parts of your childhood influence your perception of appropriate parenting techniques?
Additionally, what parts of your childhood influence how you feel about your partner’s parenting techniques?
With a little self-reflection from you and your partner, you’ll be well on your way to uncovering the roots of your deeply held parenting beliefs.
Step 3: Start Small
Begin with the non-negotiables for your family.
The non-negotiables are typically the health and safety rules (wearing bike helmets, driving before dark, etc.) and other areas your family values like education (homework before playtime) and respect (name calling will not be tolerated).
Agree on the limits and expectations for the non-negotiables and clearly communicate those to everyone. If the rule is “no cellphones in a bedroom,” be sure you both follow through each and every time on that non-negotiable. Your kids will immediately observe you are a unified front.
Step 4: Think Long-Term
Remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint – and that requires us to think long-term.
Visualize your kids when they show up for their first day of work. Imagine who they’ll be when they have children of their own.
What attributes do you hope your children will possess when they become adults?
Compassion? Work ethic? Thoughtfulness? Respect? Motivation? Resilience?
If you and your partner can agree on 3-4 words you hope will describe your children as adults, you’ll be able to view parenting with a far-sighted lens.
Then, when tackling the day-to-day discipline dilemmas, ask yourselves the question:
“What do we want our child to LEARN from this experience or discipline opportunity?”
It’s not about winning. It’s not about proving “you’re the boss and they WILL OBEY!”
It’s about teaching your child to make the best possible choices in the future–and learning from mistakes along the way–so they can grow into well-adjusted adults.
Well-meaning parents do this when saying things like, “Just wait until Dad gets home,” or “Mom is going to be very upset about this.”
What message does a kid hear when Mom says, “Just wait until Dad gets home?” A child hears that Daddy is the bad cop and is the only one capable of handling this situation.
Or if Dad says, “Mom is going to be very upset about this broken vase!” The child assumes Mom cares more about the vase than Dad does.
Statements like these only reinforce a child’s feelings of viewing one parent as the “loving one” and one parent as the “strict one”.
In reality, if you’re trying to present yourselves as a unified front, you should both try to be consistent in your reactions. Each parent should feel equipped and empowered to handle any situation that arrives when the kids are in their care without threatening the other parent’s involvement.
In a similar vein, it’s important not to undermine your partner’s parenting decisions in front of the children. If your children see you have a lack of faith in the parenting decisions your partner made, they will undoubtedly share the same sentiments, and behave accordingly.
Step 7: Ditch the Scorekeeping
“I’m the one who always deals with potty training.”
“If she’s not helping with bedtime, why would I want to help her get the kids ready for school?”
“He’s the last one to ever offer to help with homework…”
Scorekeeping is the silent relationship killer. It breeds resentment and puts you on opposite teams.
If it has become second nature to keep a tally of rights and wrongs, consider how this is affecting your goal of more integrated parenting.
It is time to start fresh and focus, again, on the things you appreciate your partner doing.
Step 8: Commit to Consistent Communication
Set aside some time, one night each week after the kids go to bed, to discuss your progress.
Take note of the issues that have come up most frequently and agree on a correction method to use going forward. Keep in mind that your goal is not to “win the battle” with your partner, but to find the most constructive plan to help your children make good choices–thereby reducing future misbehaviors and training them for adulthood.
Again, this is not a time for blaming or rehashing, but rather a time to come together and map out a plan for your current parenting struggles. Celebrate the little successes you’ve made and the changes you’ve seen in your children and each other.
Step 9: Seek Support
If, after some focused effort, you and your spouse continue to disagree on parenting and discipline issues, consider taking a parenting class together or visiting with an objective, third-party resource, like a family therapist.
No matter what route you take, just remember, you and your partner are on the same team!
Final Thoughts
While the task of solving discipline disagreements can seem daunting, these 9 strategies will put you and your spouse on the path to success. With these guidelines, time, and effort, it won’t be too long before the big discipline debate is happily in the past.
I see you, friend. Maybe you’re at your wit’s end and don’t know how you’ll ever get your kids to stop fighting. Maybe you’re rocking a newborn, but are trying to prepare yourself for the years to come. Maybe you just separated from your spouse and are trying to figure out how you’ll co-parent after 10 years together.
Wherever this post finds you, if you are considering an online parenting course as a way to transform your family, I want to help you understand the pros and cons of online parenting classes (as opposed to in-person classes or counseling), so you can make the best decision for your family.Read More →
Your pediatrician recommended it, your friends swear by it, and your child’s preschool uses it incessantly. But, every time YOU try to send your child to time-out, the 5-minute time-out turns into a 30-minute throwdown of epic proportions.
For most parents, using time-out to “teach kids a lesson” often increases the power struggle and ends in frustration, anger, and fails to achieve the desired outcome.
Or, in other cases, getting the child to go to time-out isn’t necessarily a battle, but the child continues to misbehave once their time in the corner is finished.
When we take a short-sighted approach to discipline, we leave the door open for long-term problems. Sure, a time-out might curb behavior in the moment, but it doesn’t promote our long-term goal of raising emotionally stable, resilient, and empathetic children.
If you are a proponent of time-out, this is not a finger-waving post of judgment, I promise. I, too, was once a time-out queen myself. But, as I found the tool to be increasingly ineffective in my home, I knew I needed other tactics.
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