This less-than-helpful word can be discouraging and confusing to kids when they hear it all the time, plus it only reinforces the bad behavior.
While it’s fine to say “no” and “don’t” sometimes, you’ll get more cooperation from your kids if you can avoid them.
Use these four strategies to cut back on the negatives and promote the positives:
Tell your kids what to DO. Start switching each “don’t” to a “do.” Instead of reminding your child, “Don’t track mud all over the floor!” try, “Please take off your shoes before coming into the house!” Swap, “Don’t chew on your sister’s
Lego’s,” with, “Please keep those out of your mouth.”
Just say “Yes!” While it’s quicker and easier to reply, “No,” when your child asks to go to the library while you’re knee-deep in closet re-organization, try substituting a, “Yes, that sounds great. I can take you later this afternoon
or tomorrow morning–which would you prefer?”
Replace, “No, you can’t go out and play. You haven’t finished your homework!” with, “You bet, you can play with your friends when you’ve finished your homework.”
Say thank-you in advance. Help your kids make an appropriate choice by taking this leap of faith. Your, “Thank you for hanging up your towel after your shower,” will encourage your kids toward good behavior much more than, “I better
not see your towel on the floor again!”
Another example: “Thank you for keeping all four chair legs on the floor,” will go over better than, “You’ll break your neck if you keep leaning back on your chair like that!”
Practice the positive through role-play. The most effective way to learn how to behave in a variety of situations is through proper training. Decide what kind of behavior you’d like your child to use (anything from taking turns to
addressing adults respectfully to making his bed properly), and then practice it in a low-pressure situation.
Role-playing with dolls or action figures will get younger kids excited, while a conversation (not a lecture) will help get older kids on board.
Making these changes to your communication style will require some effort on your part but the payoff will be worth it.
Your kids will feel more encouraged, they’ll develop a positive, empowered perception of themselves and you’ll enjoy better cooperation all around.
Looking for NO-YELLING strategies to get more cooperation from your kids? Join us for our FREE online class: How to Get Your Kids to LISTEN Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. Find upcoming dates and times here.
Summer’s almost here! But before you start to worry about childcare arrangements, lazy teenagers or the endless rounds of video games, take heart. With a little preparation, there’s no need to be caught off guard as you navigate schedules and ward off the “I’m bored’s!” Start here, and settle in for a fun, relaxing–and only slightly crazy–summer.
Pencil it in. Don’t wait until the bus has quit coming to finalize your plans. Grab your calendar now, and mark off vacations, camps, swim lessons and more–not to mention Grandma’s Alaskan cruise or the babysitter’s knee surgery. If you can, keep whole days open to give kids plenty of free time. You can even schedule things like backyard campouts, beach days (with a sandbox and kiddie pool if you’re inland) and lemonade stands–taking time off of work if need be–so your kids will have lots of fun to remember when it’s time for school again in the fall. Read More →
Don’t be late.
Don’t run in the house!
Don’t tease your sister.
Don’t chew with your mouth open.
If you were to keep track, how many times a day would you find yourself uttering the dreaded four-letter word of childhood: don’t?
While our motives are good, our no don’t, and other negative commands cause more problems than they solve. In fact, they play a big role in how our kids perceive themselves and in the amount of cooperation they give us.
Switching up the words we use, however, can make our action match our intention.
Let’s start by understanding 3 reasons why “don’t” often doesn’t work:
“No” and “don’t” get discouraging, fast. Imagine having someone in your life – a boss or a spouse, for example – who began the majority of their communication with you using those words.
It wouldn’t take long to feel downright crummy about yourself, and our kids are no exception. It goes without saying that we want our kids to have a positive self-image, and we need to make sure our language reflects that.
Negative commands are confusing. I facilitate an in-class exercise with parents in which I give moms and dads a series of “don’t” commands: “Don’t sit down, don’t look at me, don’t stand still, don’t look at your neighbor,” and so
forth.
The look on their faces is priceless: they take on a “deer in the headlights” expression as they try to process what they should and should not do.
Our children face the same problem.
Negative commands, such as “don’t” and “no” require a double mental process: our kids first must understand what not to do, and then figure out what they’re supposed to do instead.
We unknowingly make things more confusing and reduce the likelihood of actually getting their cooperation.
It reinforces the negative behavior. If I were to say to you “don’t touch your face,” one of the first things you’ll think to do is, ironically, to touch your face.
Our children are again hardwired the same way. Our well intentioned “don’t bother your brother while he’s studying” instead inspires our kids to keep their sibling from completing his homework.
It will take some work, but make it your mission to limit the “DON’T” in your household. You’ll be surprised at how much the shift will change the dynamics in your home!
Looking for NO-YELLING strategies to get more cooperation from your kids? Join us for our FREE online class: How to Get Your Kids to LISTEN Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. Find upcoming dates and times here.
Tired of Toddler Tantrums? Know the type of tantrum you’re dealing with!
There are two types of toddler tantrums. The first type is displayed by the child who has been dragged around all day running errands, has missed naptime and is feeling “trapped” by the confinement of a stroller. The child who “loses it” at the end of such a day probably just needs a hug in the moment and desperately needs for her parents to recognize and respect her need for routine and structure during the day.
The second type of toddler tantrum is a display of power and is used by the child to manipulate the parents into giving into the child’s demands. This type of tantrum might be a public meltdown in the grocery store, a verbal tirade or stomping away in a “huff” and slamming the door. The child is digging in his heels and saying, “you can’t make me” or “you had better give in, or else”. (The “or else” is the tantrum!)
As frustrating and maddening as toddler tantrums can be, they do “make sense” when we see it from the child’s perspective. The child is trying to get her way and she’s learned from past experience that having a total meltdown usually works! The next time toddler tantrums occur – remember these two key points:
We all know the scene: a few carefully sung words by Mary Poppins, and the Banks’ children’s dolls and clothes march into the toy chest and fold themselves neatly into the closet.
Parents and kids alike wish it were real. But no amount of singing or snapping is going to make that nightmare of a bedroom clean itself. And despite your best efforts, nagging isn’t working either.
While you might not have Mary Poppins’ superpowers, you can employ strategies that will help your kids clear their clutter and rediscover that they do actually have a floor under that mess. Read More →
Whether your kids catch a favorite show or finish their homework on the computer just before bedtime, you might want to adjust your routine a little. According to a new study, children of all ages fall asleep faster if they haven’t been staring at a screen in the two hours prior to bedtime—and this adds up to more than an hour of extra sleep during the school week.
That might not sound like a lot, but it all counts. More sleep has been linked to plenty of great benefits for kids, from being more alert at school to simply being happier and healthier. And too little sleep is known to have plenty of detrimental effects, such as aggression and hyperactivity. Kids clearly do better when they get their zzz’s! Read More →
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