To spank or not to spank. It’s a passionately debated topic among parents. Regardless of where you fall on the spank-no spank continuum, I encourage you to read this story by Astrid Lindgren, author of Pippi Longstocking, which describes physical punishment from the child’s perspective.
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Here’s a question we often field from parents:
“Should we continue to REWARD positive behavior once that behavior becomes “expected?”
That’s not a one-stop-shop answer.
Here’s the first part of the answer:
Ditch the rewards! I encourage you to STOP USING REWARDS as a way to motivate behavior. Truly.
Rewards like stickers, candy, money, or treats for positive behaviors create an uncomfortable, problem-laced “what’s in it for me” attitude.” If that’s not bad enough, there’s an ever-growing body of research that spotlights that using rewards actually
DECREASES the child’s interest in continuing that behavior.
So – what to do?
Here’s an idea: Instead of using external REWARDS – use ENCOURAGEMENT!
The difference? External rewards create a dependence on the reward for the child to continue the behavior. As the parent, you’ll have to continually dangle the latest and greatest carrot to keep the good stuff going.
Encouragement motivates children from the “inside” and helps them feel capable and empowered.
Think conversations like:
Wow – you’re getting more independent every day!
You are really growing up and showing us how much you can do all by yourself.
I know you’ve worked on that and it shows!
The research by Alfie Kohn and others show that conversations that focus on effort, improvement and progress towards a goal create and sustain INTERNAL motivation. Long-term growth. Real change.
As opposed to external REWARDS, which categorically show that when the reward goes away – so does the motivation for the behavior.
Part two of the question…
“What about when the behavior becomes “expected” – is encouragement still required?”
The answer is “YES!!!!!!!”
Even when behaviors are “expected” or “routine” – everyone wants to feel appreciated and encouraged. Think of using statements such as:
I really appreciate how much you do to help the family.
When you do _____, that’s one job that I don’t have to do.
I love how we are all working together as a family.
There is magic in those words.
They provide the reinforcement your child needs to stick with those positive actions or behaviors. But, they also contribute to his or her sense of personal power and connection within your family.
Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Kids, partners, friends, family members – we all thrive on encouragement. Use it liberally. It is an extraordinary lesson to teach our children by example.
Ever struggle to get your kids to do their chores or homework without resorting to threats or bribes?
Join Amy McCready for a FREE online class: Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling.
It will be the best hour you spend all month!
No early alarm clocks, no lunches to pack and no pop quizzes–school’s out! But that doesn’t mean the end of learning. Between games of pick-up basketball with the neighbor kids and Barbie swimming parties, your kids can keep up with their studies through fun, simple summer learning opportunities. Not only will your kids discover the world around them, but they’ll get back up to speed more quickly once school’s back in session. Read More →
You’ve barely entered the store and the whining starts. “Moooooom, why can’t I get the new LEGO Star Wars video game?” And back at home when you ask Alex to set the table? “But Moooo-oom…I’m tired!”
Sigh. Maybe it’s time for an allowance. After all, what better way to get Alex to do his chores and let him buy his own video games, right?
If only it were that easy. Our overall goal is to motivate, but connecting an allowance to household duties does the opposite. By focusing on the payoff for the chore rather than the contribution made to the family, we create – and reinforce – a negative lesson. Rather than encouraging our child to do something for its intrinsic value, we instead teach them to ask, “What’s in it for me?”
Daniel Pink, author of The New York Times bestseller, Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us, tells us that paying kids to do chores “...sends kids a clear (and clearly wrongheaded) message: In the absence of a payment, no self-respecting child would willingly set the table, empty the garbage, or make her own bed. …. It converts a moral and familial obligation into just another commercial transaction–and teaches that the only reason to do a less-than-desirable task for your family is in exchange for payment.”
So what’s a parent to do? Rest assured: we do have a way to take the whine out of taking out the garbage. And an allowance is a great way to teach our kids financial responsibility and money sense. While there are always questions about when to start allowance and how much to give, the key is to implement allowance and chores separately:
Sweep “chore” right out of your vocabulary. While the word “chore” conjures up images of Cinderella scrubbing the castle floors, the idea of a family contribution will instead remind our kids that they play an important role in helping the household run smoothly.
Granted, Emma may not jump for joy when she’s asked to help put laundry away, but her new perception of the task gains her a feeling of personal significance and sense of belonging to the family.
Not only will your kids feel grown up to have their own “income,” but it will be a big step in learning real-life skills, including the benefits of good decisions and the consequences of bad ones.
The key is that the allowance is not tied to family contributions, or good grades, or winning the big game. Instead, use this opportunity to teach them about saving for things they really want, budgeting for the future, and charitable giving.
As the parent, set limits around the weekly allowance amount and what it can be spent on. The amount you give should be age appropriate and not entirely comfortable. If Alex can buy every video game he sees, you’re not teaching him anything.
Instead, choose an amount that can reasonably cover the expenses you expect him to take on–iTunes and app purchases, entertainment, and toys–and that gives him the option to save for the special game he really wants. He’ll also learn the invaluable concept of delayed gratification.
As kids get older, consider giving them a larger amount each week or month for allowance, but increase the items that they’ll be expected to cover. A tween or teen can learn important life lessons by budgeting her monthly allowance to cover lunch money, entertainment, clothes, app downloads, etc. If she blows all of her money in the first week, she’ll experience the natural consequences of poor budgeting and will likely do better next month.
By separating–but still implementing–family contributions and allowances, we are able to teach far more valuable lessons than the two could ever hope to achieve combined. And who would have thought that intrinsic motivation and financial responsibility could start with a few loads of laundry and $10 a week?
I know how difficult it can be to make this shift–especially since parents want to motivate their children in a way that finally works. Allowance, when given as payment for chores, is equivalent to giving a reward. And we know from research and practice that rewards aren’t an effective long-term strategy.
While offering a no-strings-attached allowance and shifting your language away from chores to “contributions” are great first steps to motivating your child, we know there may be other parenting struggles plaguing you. If you’re struggling with backtalk or bedtime routines or mealtime (or any other power struggle), please know we are here for you.
I’d be honored if you’d join me for a FREE ONLINE CLASS. I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, reminding, or yelling required.
I know you want the absolute best for your kids, so please know IT IS POSSIBLE to raise confident, capable, and respectful children. I’ve helped thousands of families finally find peace in their home once again. The same can be true for you!
As always, we are wishing you the best on your parenting journey!
Here’s a pit-in-your-stomach thought: Your 15-year-old “little girl” just asked if she can start dating. Out. Alone. With someone she’s attracted to. Yikes!
What happened? Where did all that time go? The truth is, we blink, and they grow up, and now more than ever having real-world, real-life conversations about dating has to move to the top of the parenting to-do list.
This is important stuff! But how do you get her to listen without her discounting your words or rolling her eyes?
Your instincts are spot on. To help your children successfully navigate their hormone-driven years, the best place to start is opening the lines of communication in a REAL no-judgement zone.
Here’s how: Ditch the birds and bees – for now anyway.
Instead of automatically launching into a lecture about teen pregnancy, have a conversation with your child about the purpose of dating and her expectations.
What kind of person does she want to date?
What would a perfect date entail?
Asking these questions will not only help you know your child better but will help her find out more about herself.
After the conversation, let your teen know that you enjoyed the talk and that you hope she will feel comfortable coming to you with any future questions. Then, “check in” regularly so that talking openly about dating and romance doesn’t become taboo.
Make it a date—not a free-for-all.
Teen dating is not what it used to be. Rather than dinner, a movie, and home by 10, many kids simply “hang out,” which basically means your child might end up bowling or listening to music in a dark room with no parents in sight.
This lack of structure can be precarious for hormone-charged kids, so remove these opportunities for trouble by discussing dates in advance.
Ask, “What are you two planning to do?”
If your teen is unsure, talk about creating a plan – including a location, an end time, and reasonable supervision. Yes, your teen will protest. But, a plan is needed if she or he is going to be allowed the privilege of dating, so you must insist.
Once the date is planned, play, “What would you do?” to help him figure out ahead of time how he will respond to various scenarios.
What would he do, for instance, if his date lied about her parents being home and now they had the house to themselves?
Suggest words and actions if he seems stumped. By thinking about his responses in advance, he will be better equipped in the moment to let his brain, rather than his hormones, make decisions.
Talk about boundaries. It’s a delicate conversation, but talking about comfort levels, boundaries, and consequences is all part of this time in their lives. You can help them head into that world with the best possible information, as
well as an understanding that they get to set boundaries for their bodies.
Sadly, we hear almost daily reports of #MeToo stories in which brave women and men are speaking out about abuses and inappropriate contact. Use one of these stories as a doorway to a conversation about your child’s rights, their personal boundaries, and
what to do if they feel even the slightest bit uncomfortable.
Give your kids a way out of a difficult or uncomfortable situation.
You may be familiar with a post that went viral last year from a father who created an X-Plan for his children. If they ever felt they were in a compromised, uncomfortable, or dangerous situation, they could simply text “X” to a family member. The family
member would then text back with an urgent message stating the child needed to be home asap and that someone would be on the way.
The X-Plan provides kids a graceful “out” so they can save face socially and gives everyone peace of mind knowing safeguards are in place. We created a parenting guide to having an X-Plan for your child.
Make sure your child knows that any and all conversations with you are done in a safe-space. They can trust that you will always, ALWAYS have his or her back.
You begin a new chapter with your child during this part of their teen years. Leave the lectures of our parents and grandparents in the past and leave the judgement and fear at the door.
If you want your child to trust you and be open with you about love and sex and hormones and decision-making, they have to know you love them unconditionally and that you’re there to help them sort out the answers. Be kind. Be open. Be proactive. These
are the best ways you can help your teen make the best decisions for the present and the future.
In Part 1 of Teaching a Tattler, I talked about the difference between tattling and informing. In this post, we’ll discuss training and follow up strategies.
Take time for training
After explaining tattling versus informing, role-play scenarios to reinforce the difference to your kids. For example, you could start by saying to your child, “Let’s pretend that you and Sam are playing outside, and Sam won’t let you play with his basketball. You come to me to tell me that Sam won’t share the ball. Is this tattling or informing?” This scenario is a prime example of tattling, as the goal of the action is to get Sam in trouble. Follow up each scenario by helping your child brainstorm ways that she could solve the problem on her own, instead of tattling.
On the other hand, what if your child told you that six year-old Sam was playing in the street with his basketball? Informing is the correct response this time, as Sam’s actions put him in a dangerous situation.
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