What do you do when Mom and Dad disagree on a discipline philosophy? Dealing with difficult behavior from toddlers or teens can be challenging in any family, but when Mom and Dad are at different ends of the discipline spectrum, everyone loses.
Fortunately, there are 5 simple strategies to bring you closer together in the discipline debate:
1. Start by identifying the aspects of parenting and discipline in which you DO agree. You’ll be more successful by beginning with a foundation of where you do agree rather than focusing energy on the many areas where you disagree.
2. Explore the underlying reasons why you disagree on parenting and discipline issues. Often, the differences relate to how you were raised or they come from a place of fear. Once you understand WHY you disagree, you can work towards common ground.
3. Start small. Begin with the non-negotiables for your family. These will typically involve the health and safety rules (wearing bike helmets, driving before dark, etc) and other areas your family values, like education (homework before playtime) or respect (name calling not tolerated.)
Agree on the limits and expectations for the non-negotiables and clearly communicate those to everyone. Be sure to follow through each and every time on the non-negotiables so your kids see that you are a unified front.
4. When tackling the day to day discipline dilemmas, ask yourselves the question: “What do we want our child to LEARN from this experience or discipline opportunity?” That helps you focus on what will be most helpful to your child. It’s not about winning – it’s about teaching your child to make the best possible choices in the future and learning from his mistakes along the way.
5. Seek support. If parents continue to disagree on parenting and discipline issues, consider a parenting education course or an objective 3rd party resource such as a family therapist. There is nothing more important than your family – find the support to help you align as a team.
Whether your kids are battling it out over whose turn it is to open the mailbox or who gets Dad’s car on Friday night, one things for certain: kids fighting will drive you crazy and it needs to stop!
In my last post called: Sibling Fighting, we discussed a few things parents do that actually contribute to kids fighting. Now, let’s talk about three tried-and-true strategies to bring about a welcome change in how your kids relate to each other. Read More →
Does it ever seem like it’s impossible to get your kids to listen to you? You know how it works: You ask your child to pick up her toys.
You only hear silence.
You ask again.
Your daughter doesn’t even look up. So you decide to count to get her attention.
One. Long wait. Twwwooooooooo. Two and a haaalllllffff. No response.
And just as you’re about to proclaim, “Three!” she finally starts cleaning up.
Whew, it worked! Right?
Well, not really. The only thing your child learned about listening is that she gets at least five chances, sometimes more, before she really has to pay attention. And is that really what you want to be teaching your child?
What is Wrong with Counting 1-2-3?
Although counting 1-2-3 is a popular parenting technique, it’s not actually effective in the long-term.
It won’t help with future behavior, and in fact, this tactic will only guarantee that your child won’t respond the first time you make a request. Which in turn sets your child up for trouble down the road.
Think of it this way: will teachers have the patience to ask your child 5+ times to complete an assignment?
Or would a boss give your child 5+ chances to comply with a request? Not likely.
So why should you allow your child multiple chances in your home, even as you’re working to prepare him for success in the real world?
What’s more, have you considered what you’ll actually do if your child allows you to reach “Three” when you count?
And how does counting 1-2-3 make you feel? Most likely, desperate and even angry–not exactly the way you’d like to feel about your kids!
Counting 1-2-3 is at times used as a “quick fix” for misbehaviors of all kinds, but the truth is, there’s no quick fix that actually works to solve the problem.
With counting, time-outs, and other “magic wand” parenting strategies, the child simply learns we’re not serious until we get to “three.” We don’t see the long-term behavior change that we’re looking for.
Correcting misbehavior long-term happens instead when we understand:
the psychology behind the misbehavior
the reasons our current reprimands aren’t working
how we contribute to the misbehavior
there are scientifically proven tools to correct the misbehavior in the moment and prevent it from happening again.
What do we do Instead of Counting 1-2-3?
For starters, get face-to-face with your child and use a calm, firm voice to state the desired behavior in a way she can understand.
Be sure she’s clear on what will happen if she doesn’t follow your instructions. Your calm voice is very important to avoid a power struggle.
For example, say, “Sara, please put your toys away now, or I’ll put them in a box and you will lose the privilege of playing with them for the rest of the day.” And that’s the only chance your child gets. Don’t undermine the training opportunity by repeating yourself over and over.
If your child chooses not to respond appropriately, it’s your job to carry out the consequence in a calm and respectful way. Even if your child has a tantrum, there’s no need to yell, get angry, or even respond. Your child is learning a valuable lesson and will soon know that when you make a request, you mean business!
Counting 1-2-3 might seem like a good idea at first, but it soon loses its effectiveness. However, stating a clear expectation with a reasonable, age-appropriate consequence–and then following through–will ensure your kids listen the first time, every time.
Final Thoughts
I know how incredibly frustrating it is when your child chooses not to listen–it’s actually the most common frustration I hear from the thousands of parents I work with.
Times are tough, and some days it seems that we live in an increasingly “What’s in it for me?” society. Worse, we see it in our kids, too–they won’t so much as empty the dishwasher without trying to bargain for some extra TV time. What does a parent have to do to get good behavior and a child who’s willing to help out?
The best solution? Quit rewarding your kids for behavior you should be able to expect. For instance, a child should not need a candy bar to make it through the grocery store without a tantrum, or a movie ticket as motivation to study for a test. And if we give our kids treats for such things, why would we expect these kinds of accomplishments in the future without offering yet another–probably steeper–reward?
Worse, plenty of studies have shown that kids who are rewarded actually lose interest in the activity they’re being rewarded for, from preschoolers making art to older kids reading. Yikes!
What does all this mean? In a nutshell, you’re doing your child no favor by doling out treats for his accomplishments or behavior. Instead, you’re setting him up for a “What’s in it for me?” attitude down the road.
By making a few changes, however, you can help your child develop a healthier mindset when it comes to good behavior and a “can-do” attitude.
Here are a few things that will help:
1. Develop When-Then Routines
Schedule key parts of your children’s day so that when they’ve completed the not-fun stuff (emptying the dishwasher, completing homework, practicing the piano), then they can do the fun stuff (join the family for dinner, play with their friends or enjoy their allotted TV time). This isn’t a reward – it’s placing the less desirable activity before the more enjoyable parts of your daily routine.
2. Use Encouragement to Foster Internal Motivation
Be sure to notice your child’s hard work, good manners or helpful spirit–and tell her how much you appreciate these things. Then watch her beam with pride!
3. Use Consequences to Enforce Positive Behavior
When you’ve told your kids what kind of behavior you expect–whether that means picking up their toys before dinner or returning home before curfew–make sure they understand what happens if they fail to follow through.
If you regularly use rewards with your kids, the idea of stopping them could be daunting. But trust that they’ll do just fine under the new system.
To start, let your kids know that since they’re growing up, they don’t need sticker charts and other rewards anymore. Express confidence in their ability to cooperate without these treats. Hold a family meeting to discuss individual responsibilities, and then develop a when-then routine to help your kids get off on the right track. Make sure they know the consequences they’ll face for negative behavior.
With a little tweaking, your home can be one that’s free from the “What’s in it for me?” mindset. Even better, your kids will develop into the caring, responsible adults you know they can be.
For more strategies to raise responsible, respectful, un-entitled kids, join us for a FREE online class:Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling.
Whether it’s daily childcare or just the occasional Saturday night date, one of the greatest stress inducers for parents is trusting the sitter you’ve arranged to watch your children.
The younger the children, the higher the anxiety and stress. However, if the grandparents are available, the anxiety disappears. Right?
For those lucky enough to have parents or in-laws nearby to help, this caretaker relationship can have problems of its own, and it’s a completely different dynamic than a paid babysitter (even if you pay your parents to watch your kids).
For one, Grandma may have different ideas about discipline and routines than Mom does. This contributes to tension building between the two adults, plus the child may be living with two sets of rules and become adept at pitting one caretaker against the other.
Additionally, if Grandma and Grandpa are on duty all week, they may feel like they miss out on getting to be the one to “spoil” their grandchildren (after all, they’ve already paid their dues the first time around!), while Mom feels bad because she has to be the heavy and the grandparents get to be the heroes.
Even if grandparents simply play the role of an occasional babysitter, you’re still likely to face the occasional disagreement about anything from handling misbehavior to potty training.
But don’t worry, you really can create a care-taking situation that becomes the best of both worlds.
Here are 3 guidelines to avoid potential problems so everyone feels good about the arrangement:
1. Create a short list of non-negotiables
The truth is, Mom needs to feel confident that certain priorities will be taken care of every day.
And Grandma needs some flexibility to adhere to her own personal style.
A list of 3-5 non-negotiables can help. Mom gets the peace of mind that her 2-year-old is taking a nap every day from 1:00 – 3:00 (and won’t be a total grump for the entire evening), while Grandma feels free to decide what they do for naptime routine, for instance.
2. Sit down for a weekly review
Once a week, sit down briefly to discuss what went well that week and what issues or challenges each caregiver faced.
For instance, if Ben has been hitting lately, or Emma has developed a fear of Grandma’s cat, you can create a plan together, without finger-pointing, to address each challenge.
One of the surest ways to proactively prevent a power struggle is to help kids learn how to do some real-world tasks for themselves, from tying their shoes to packing their own lunch. Grandpa may be a natural to teach these skills, as he may have more time and patience than Mom or Dad.
Grandparents will feel proud of helping to contribute to their grandchild’s independence, while your child will feel empowered in her new capabilities.
3. Have a plan for disagreements
Chances are, you and Grandma will face disagreements about childcare from time to time. And these issues can be difficult to raise–after all, many kid-related topics can be quite emotionally charged within families, more so than with a paid caretaker (even if Grandma is paid).
To give yourself a head start on successful resolution, agree in advance on a plan for handling disagreements, and practice good communication.
For instance, it’s best to stay away from statements like “You never…” or “You always…,” which can put a person on the defensive. Instead, use “I feel” messages.
That may sound like, “I feel that you are undermining my parenting when you disregard the bedtime sleep routine,” or “I feel like you don’t respect my time when you come home late from work without calling to let me know.”
A carefully worded and respectful statement will go a long way in starting a productive conversation.
Then work on solutions. Once everyone has shared their concerns, brainstorm a list of ways to solve the problem. Discuss which solution is in the best interest of your child first, and then the other parties involved. After you implement the solution, make sure to talk about its success (or not) in your Weekly Review.
Final Thoughts
With careful planning and lots of communication, your child will reap the benefits of Grandma or Grandpa’s loving care–and you’ll get to enjoy your career or your night out with fewer worries. Best of all, you can keep family dynamics positive for everyone involved.
If you’re in need of more discipline strategies that work –and that can be easily shared with grandparents–I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS!
In one hour, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen without nagging, yelling, or losing control. The great news is you can easily share these tools with Grandma and Grandpa so everyone can be on the same page!
As always, I’m wishing you all the best on your parenting journey!
Title image: Eastfenceimage/ Shutterstock https://www.shutterstock.com/photos
Earlier this week, we posted ideas submitted by our Positive Parenting Solutions Facebook Fans on how to foster an attitude of gratitude this holiday season. Listed below are even more ideas on how to shift the focus from getting to giving over the holidays.
Limit TV Time before the holidays! You can’t control advertisers from marketing to your kids – but you can control how much exposure your kids have to those advertisements. Limiting how much time they spend in front of the TV will limit (not eliminate) the exposure they have to all of the latest and greatest ads intended to woo our kids.
Manage the gift expectations. Talk to your kids about their wish lists and have them force rank the gifts they love the most. Then – set a limit. If you’re celebrate Hanukkah – one gift on each of the 8 nights makes it easy. If you celebrate Christmas – set a limit – either in the number of gifts for younger kids or a dollar amount for older kids. Try to make an agreement with extended family to purchase only one gift per child. (This can be tricky – but if the whole family is on board – they may be more likely to go along.)
Focus on the real meaning of the holiday. Gifts are one part of the holiday experience – but teach your kids about WHY you celebrate that holiday. What does it mean to your faith? Why are gifts part of the holiday and what do they represent? Then – shift the focus to giving. Spend the majority of your holiday preparations on the joy of giving to others. Encourage your kids to create gifts for family and friends – or give non-material gifts like coupons for breakfast in bed, a weekend of yard work, a back massage – what ever would be meaningful to that person. Adopt a family through your place of worship or school and get everyone involved in making the holiday more special for that family.
Role-play HOW to show gratitude. Practice the words to use when someone gives them a gift or shows kindness. Help them practice showing gratitude for the thought or the effort behind the gift, not just the gift. “That was so thoughtful of you to find something pink because you know that’s my favorite color.”
Have them send handwritten thank you notes within 1 day of receiving a gift. (Sorry, but emails don’t cut it!) Provide training on HOW to write thank you notes. Set a minimum number of sentences for their thank you notes…example – 2nd grade: at least 2 sentences. 3rd grade: 3 sentences.
Limit gift giving throughout the year. Kids who have everything don’t appreciate gifts as much. Be very careful of overindulging your kids throughout the year. We recommend that parents buy new toys/stuff only on holidays and birthdays. Other than that, kids over the age of 4 should have an allowance and pay for their own toys. During the holidays, limit the number of gifts for each child. The more gifts they receive, the less special each one becomes.
Count your blessings as a family. Make counting blessings part of your mealtime ritual or bedtime ritual. As kids get older, encourage them to keep a daily gratitude journal. Being intentional about gratitude is a daily reminder about how lucky we are.
Let kids SEE how lucky they are. Ongoing lectures about “you don’t know how good you have it” only makes their eyes roll. Get out into the community with your kids and serve food in a soup kitchen, adopt a family during the holidays, or visit kids who are in homeless shelters so they can SEE how fortunate they really are.
Model gratitude. Take time to show gratitude yourself. Thank your kids and your spouse for their helpful and thoughtful acts. Show random acts of gratitude to the cashier, the person who makes your coffee at Starbucks, and the drycleaner. Modeling gratitude yourself will make your kids more likely to adopt an attitude of gratitude.
What other ways do you teach your kids about the importance of giving and gratitude? Please leave a comment so others can learn from you! Happy Holidays from Positive Parenting Solutions. We are truly grateful for you!
Copyright 2004-2025 Positive Parenting Solutions. All rights reserved.
Positive Parenting Solutions, Inc. is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com
What do you do when Mom and Dad disagree on a discipline philosophy? Dealing with difficult behavior from toddlers or teens can be challenging in any family, but when Mom and Dad are at different ends of the discipline spectrum, everyone loses.
