parenting

Even MORE Ways to Foster an Attitude of Gratitude

By Amy McCready on December 6, 2010 / parenting

We tend to think about gratitude more around the holidays but a growing body of research suggests that maintaining an attitude of gratitude all year long can improve psychological, emotional and physical well-being. Research from the Greater Good Science Center tells us that gratitude actually blocks toxic emotions even as it allows us to celebrate the present. What’s more, folks with a grateful heart are more stress-resistant and have a higher sense of self-worth. That’s got to be good for our kids, right?

For this post, we asked our Positive Parenting Solutions Facebook community for even more ideas on how they foster an attitude of gratitude with their kids during the holidays and throughout the year.

Here are some of their responses:

We have had a mason jar in our family room with a little square pad of paper and a pen next to it for years. We write notes
and then fold them up and stuff them into the jar. Then, on New Years Eve, we dump the jar and read all the little
notes from the year.

We purchased $5 gift cards to pass out randomly to a great cashier at the grocery store or someplace where the service has
been great…these people are often overlooked. We are also going to bring a box of treats and gift cards to
our local community outreach for the people who work there…since they give SO much of their time and devotion
to others, often on a volunteer basis.

Dinnertime conversation. Each person tells something about their day and we ask what their favorite part of their day was.
Now it is such a ritual that in the morning when I send them off I tell them to “look for their favorites” throughout
the day. They understand this and want to have something new to tell. But, for all of us, if we look for things
to be grateful for we will find that we are living in gratitude and joy.

Less is more! My kids don’t have hordes of toys, and we keep holiday and birthday gifts pretty low-key. I’ve found that with
less “stuff,” they’re more grateful for what they do have. I’m also trying to be better at finding ways to serve
others with my kids. There are so many opportunities out there, especially this time of year! Giving trees, soup
kitchens, you name it. Big or small. We gave some money and a pair of gloves to a homeless man and his dog on
our way to the grocery store a few days ago, and it had more of an impact on my five-year-old than I ever thought
it would.

We each have a notebook in our nightstands and at bedtime we each write (or dictate, age appropriate of course) 3 things
we are thankful for. Sometimes the kids can only muster 1, and I’m happy with that. It’s usually stuff like “ketchup”
or “birthdays” but sometimes it’s meaningful. (And I’m glad they appreciate ketchup! Lol!)

Every time they find a penny or coin say something they are grateful for. Um…it helps if hide some around the house randomly.
Or in the car or underwear drawer…etc.

Our family meetings start with us saying what each person is grateful for about another person at the table.

We clean out their toys every year, right before we decorate for Christmas, and donate them. I cap my children at
4 toys each year for Christmas and one item for their birthday. Making a lasting memorable holiday isn’t about
that one morning, when they open all their gifts. It’s about ice-skating as a family, or getting hot cocoa before
you go picking the tree together and Christmas movie nights snuggled on the couch… That’s what my husband and
I do with our two girls. We truly want these memories to last a lifetime. And I believe kids will see and eventually
appreciate what they have.

Kids must use all their allowance from November and December to make or purchase gifts for others. Visiting a nursing
home to see people who don’t have visitors on Christmas Eve.

I tell him about good things that happen to me, and to us and about how happy I am.

All my kids are teens and on Facebook. At the beginning of November, I reposted this status: “You are challenged
to put something in your status that you are thankful for everyday from November 1st thru Thanksgiving. (or November
through December – or any timeframe for that matter!) This challenge is designed… to remind you just how blessed
you are, and no matter what, how much you have to be thankful for! Will you repost and join the challenge?” My
kids even “liked” some of my statuses. It was so much fun trying to come up with something different each day,
I didn’t want it to end.

Have them make or do something for those less fortunate. Have them write “thank you” cards. Remind them that people
are giving gifts to them, they don’t HAVE to, so each present opened should receive a “thank you”. Giving them
less and focusing on the real meaning of Christmas.

I try every year to get my two daughters, age 8 and 3 years old, to participate in charity. Such as “Samaritan’s Purse Operation Christmas Child” for Christmas. You fill it with small items, toys and toiletries, which are then taken to other
countries… where children are in need. Letting my girls pick out these small items, gender specific, definitely
gives them an understanding that this is the season for “giving”.

I’m going to sponsor a child through Sharefish for each of my children, that way they can feel proud of helping another
child and I’ll have them send letters and drawings to them as well so they can develop a bond. I will explain
to them that for the price of a new Wii game they can help a child go to school and have food for a month.

We are grateful for YOU – our loyal Positive Parenting Solutions community. Thank you for sharing your ideas to foster an
attitude of gratitude and thank you for doing the hard work to be the best parent you can be for your precious kiddos!

Wishing you a blessed holiday!

Could You Be Making Their Tantrums Worse?

By Amy McCready on November 10, 2010 / parenting, tantrums

Don’t Make These 3 Mistakes

Children of all ages – toddlers and pre-schoolers thru tweens and teens – throw tantrums. It may be a bedtime battle, disagreement over your food selection or a fight over homework. It may be a tantrum in public or the “quiet” of you home. How parents respond will determine if the tantrum escalates and how often the tantrums reappear.

1. Reasoning with a child who’s in the midst of a tantrum. I call this, “Talking him down off the ledge”. We all have done at one time or another. It sounds something like this…”It’s okay, everything will be alright, calm down, stop crying, let’s go play with your train, let me help you, let’s get a drink of water, etc.”

The problem with this is a tantrum-throwing child is in a state of high-emotion and is not in a position to rationally consider your suggestions. Further, the ongoing verbal feedback you provide only reinforces the behavior and reassures the child that a tantrum is a very effective strategy to get attention!

2. Being firm and then giving in. Sometimes, we just can’t tolerate it any longer. The wailing, the thrashing, the unhappiness. While you know you should remain firm, sometimes parents just don’t have the stomach for an Oscar-winning tantrum and eventually give in. Unfortunately, this proves to the child that with some persistence on their part, you’ll eventually cave if she continues the tantrum long enough.

3. Adding fuel to the fire. A temper tantrum is a power-seeking behavior. When parents respond with a “power reprimand”, they add fuel to the fire and the tantrum continues and even escalates. When we lose our temper, physically try to stop the tantrum or spank the child, it proves to him that his tantrum is a great way to upset us, thus exerting his power. While he may not like the “power reprimand” response on your part, it does serve his goal for seeking power – even if it’s negative power.

Do’s and Don’ts to End Hitting for Good (part 2)

By Amy McCready on July 17, 2010 / parenting

In Part 1 of Do’s and Don’ts to End Hitting and Biting for Good we discussed the best ways to address hitting and biting in toddlers.

This post will address what you should do for kids OVER the age of 3.

Hitting and other aggressive behaviors may be frustrating with younger kids (under age 3) but with older kids who should “know better”- it’s hard not to feel livid!

But before we lose all our marbles and overreact to their displays of aggression, let’s take a moment to pause.

Instead of seeing their aggression as a precursor to becoming a life-long bully, we need to look at these behaviors as a sign our child could use some training in impulse-control strategies.

The worst thing we can do, in fact, is label our child as “bad,” “violent” or “aggressive”–this will only discourage the child and make the behavior more likely to happen
again.

However, there are several things you can do beforehand, in the moment and after an incident to help ensure aggressive behaviors will be a thing of the past.

Set your child up for success

DO make sure kids are well-rested.

They’ll be more likely to control their impulses positively if they’ve had enough sleep (aren’t we all?).

DON’T overstay a visit.

When kids are at the end of their rope on a visit that’s longer than they can realistically handle, they may be more likely to act out with aggression.

DON’T skip naps or rest time.

Playdates and family visits will go much better when the child has had a little quiet time to regroup and rest her body–whether she sleeps or not.

DO fill your child’s attention basket daily.

Provide positive attention daily. Take time each day to get into their world, on their terms, to build emotional connections and calm the child’s impulses to lash out.

DO teach positive conflict-resolution strategies.

When kids know how to use strategies such as “I feel” statements, walking away, ignoring, finding a compromise, and more, they won’t feel the need to resort to hitting.

DO get involved at the first sign of aggression.

If your child is negotiating with words, let it play out. But once the fists get raised, step in immediately to help your child calm down and find a more peaceful resolution. This may require keeping a particularly close eye on your child for a while.

When it comes to sibling’s fighting, however, there’s a lot more to it. Be sure to check out my tips here for when sibling fights turn physical.)

DO encourage your kids when they stay peaceful.

When you see your child manage their emotions without hitting, point it out. Say, “You really kept yourself under control when you were frustrated with your friend. I know that was hard. You’re really growing up!”

DO allow plenty of physical activity.

Some kids are just more physical than others and need to move. By encouraging movement in a positive way, such as practicing goal kicks, they’ll release some of that pent-up need to
move and be less likely to take it out on a playmate.

DO model peaceful communication.

The more respectful our environment at home, the less likely our kids will be to turn to aggression. Use kindness and respect, and train all your kids to do the same, and the levels of
aggression-inducing stress and frustration will decrease.

In the moment

DON’T spank or slap a child for hitting.

Doing so reinforces that hitting is okay and models exactly the behavior you’re trying to stop.

DON’T punish.

Our focus should be to help the child learn positive ways to manage their big emotions. Punishing the child, telling him he is “bad” or embarrassing him in front of others only furthers his discouragement
and makes future aggression more likely.

DON’T worry about other opinions.

It’s tough to parent in front of an audience but whether you find yourself dealing with aggression at the park or your “perfect” sister’s house, tune everyone else out. Focus on your child–not your reputation or others’ suggestions–while being respectful to those in the vicinity.

DO remain calm.

It’s understandable to be upset when your child hits you or another child, but you’ll get better results by staying calm.

Not only does an explosive reaction give your child a big dose of attention and power for negative behavior, which only serves to reinforce it, but you’ll put her on the defensive. By staying calm, however, you’ll show your kids that you’re in control of your own conduct and are able to help them with theirs.

DO make sure the injured party is okay.

If your child is calm enough to do so, include your child in this process so she can begin to learn empathy and how her actions make another person feel.

If she is not calm enough, model empathy by making sure the injured party is okay, but keep your child close so he doesn’t feel shut out.

If necessary, gently (and without anger) remove your child from the immediate situation so you can help her calm down without the distraction of others.

DO provide empathy and boundaries.

Let your child know you understand her big emotions, then separate the feeling from the behavior. Say, “Wow, you look angry/frustrated/mad/upset. But it’s not okay to hit when you are mad.”

Practice for next time

In a calm moment…

DO role-play typical scenarios.

With your child, practice how to respond without hitting – using words, asking an adult for help, walking away, etc.

DO practice strategies for calming down.

With your child, decide on a technique your child can use to calm down when she’s feeling angry or frustrated. Consider belly breathing, counting to 10, or anything else you and your child can think of.

DO create a super-secret non-verbal signal.

This is a sign you can show when things start to get tense to remind your child to use the strategies you practiced rather than resorting to aggression.

DO recognize impulse control is difficult for kids.

And it’s even more difficult for kids with ADHD and other differences. Have patience and remember that training is an ongoing process.

Final Thoughts

While facing your child’s aggression may feel like the end of the world, it isn’t. Take heart that you can use this challenging time as an opportunity to practice peaceful impulse control strategies that will help your child now and far into the future.

Just remember, hitting is the SYMPTOM of a bigger problem. Once you get to the root of the issue, you’ll be able to solve it in no time.

If you’d like to learn more discipline strategies that work, I’d love for you to JOIN ME FOR A FREE ONLINE CLASS. In it, I’ll teach you how to get your kids to listen–no nagging, yelling or reminding required!

As always, I’m wishing you the best on your parenting journey!

3 Tips for Parenting Separately…Yet Successfully

By Amy McCready on June 29, 2010 / parenting

We are thrilled to welcome Divorce Coach, Christina McGhee, to our blog. Christina specializes in helping separated and divorced parents raise happy and secure kids.

Figuring out how to take care of children after you separate is one of the most stressful aspects of divorce.

However, when decisions about your children’s future get handed over to the legal system, without a doubt, children will
suffer.

In order to stay in control of how life changes for your children, it’s important to be proactive and open-minded.

For the most successful outcome, keep the following three tips in mind:

1. Avoid a cookie cutter approach to life after divorce. One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is instead of making a plan that fits their children’s lives, they try to make their children lives fit a plan.

Do your best to base decisions around your CHILDREN’S needs.

What works for one family might not work for you. Before developing arrangements,
think about what life was like for your kids BEFORE the divorce. Ask yourself:

How will you maintain your child’s active relationship with both parents?

How will you provide them with flexible structure?

For example, if Dad took Billy to baseball practice every Tuesday and Thursday, then he should continue doing that. If Mom
picks up the kids every afternoon because Dad works till 6 o’clock, do your best to maintain those routines and connections
for your kids.

It may also help to put things into perspective and take a look at the big picture.

How will the choices you are making today affect your children’s lives one year from now, five years from now?

Bottom line: Think outside the box. Don’t limit your options to court based solutions.

2. Support a two home concept. Children benefit MOST when they feel connected to BOTH homes.

Don’t talk about one home as their “real” home and the other household as a place to visit.

If you can’t provide your children with their own room then create a special space where they can keep their things and find them when they’re with you.

It’s also important to avoid using legalese, ditch words like visit, visitation, custody, residential parent, non-residential parent, etc.

Instead talk about time with Mom, time with Dad, Mom’s house, Dad’s house and instead of custody arrangements use phrases like parenting schedules or parenting time.

3. Don’t be a broker of time. Arrangements should NOT be about fairly dividing the hours and minutes of your children’s day-to-day lives.

Avoid focusing exclusively on how much time Johnny is spending with you. Instead, put your energy into thinking about how you will make Johnny’s time with you meaningful.

Parents often ask me if sharing equal time between homes is a good idea. My answer is usually that depends. Equal time in each household is not going to help your kids if they are living in the middle of a war zone.

The key to success is developing a relationship with your ex that places CHILDREN as the TOP priority.

That means having good communication skills and the ability to be flexible with one another.

Can you share information about school events and activities?

Can you talk to each other without arguing in front of the kids or being cold and stand-offish?

Are you willing to live in the same community to make things easier for your kids?

Will you be flexible with one another?

These are some of the factors that will dictate whether sharing equal time is good for kids.

Anything is possible when parents are able to let their feelings about each other take a backseat to making life work for
their kids.

About the Author

Christina McGhee is an internationally recognized divorce coach, speaker and author of the highly acclaimed book, Parenting Apart, How separated and divorced parents can raise happy and secure kids. For helpful articles and resources, visit: http://www.divorceandchildren.com.

Getting Kids to Eat What the Family Eats…without Battles and Tantrums

By Amy McCready on June 17, 2010 / parenting

Getting kids to eat what the family eats – without battles and tantrums is a popular issue with parents. Positive Parenting Solutions offers these 3 strategies to avoid mealtime battles:

Your kids probably believe you hold the power in your family…you call all the shots and make all the decisions. However, the three areas where parents have absolutely no control and children have the all the power are eating, sleeping and peeing/pooping! Try as we might, we can’t MAKE them eat, sleep or potty.

Kids hold the control in these areas and as a result they represent prime opportunities for toddler power struggles. Battles over eating, sleeping or pottying are a child’s way of saying, “Hey, you’re not the boss of me! You can’t MAKE me eat/sleep/potty!”

And he’s right! A parent can’t MAKE a child eat but the parent continues to try! And…the power struggle ensues. After repeated coaxing, reminding, and begging – the child understands that this is a very effective way to exert power over his parents.

The 3 best strategies to end the power struggles over eating are…

1. Get your toddler involved!

2. Make “eating” the CHILD’s problem not YOURS! When toddlers refuse to eat the family meal or have a tantrum about what is served, it usually invokes a response from the parent – either “coaxing” to get the child to “just try it” or a display of frustration or anger. This attention gives the child a huge “power payoff.” Instead, put the child on notice that “you are no longer going to badger him about what he eats.” Let him know that “he is ‘growing up’ and can choose to eat what is served or not – either way, you are fine with it. But – you won’t be serving any other food until the next normally scheduled snack or meal.” This becomes the logical consequence – the child will eat at dinner/lunch – or he will be hungry.

3. STOP any discussion about what he eats, or how much he eats. What he eats – is his problem, not yours. Plan a healthy meal and include at least one healthy item you know he will eat. Don’t ask him to try one bite, don’t encourage him to eat more. If he eats – that’s great. If not – he’ll be hungry. That’s fine too. (Children will not starve by missing one meal – I promise!) Let him know that dinner ends at 6:30 (or whatever time) and remove the plates from the table. (Otherwise, he will try to outlast you hoping that you will provide food that is more to his liking). If he played with his food and didn’t eat – he’ll have an opportunity to try again at the next meal.

If he has a tantrum because “he’s staaaarving” – be totally unconcerned and go about your business. Remember that he gets a “payoff” when you REACT to his tantrum. Remove the payoff by ignoring the tantrum. Remind him that humans can survive for days without food but be sure to drink water because he does need to hydrate! Don’t reward the tantrum with a snack or the behavior will continue the next day and beyond!

Comment below with what has worked well – or not so well – in your family.

Toddler Behavior

By Amy McCready on June 13, 2010 / parenting

What Your Toddler Wishes You Knew About His Toddler Behavior

As difficult as the Terrible Twos are for you, they’re even more frustrating for your toddler. Your little one can’t explain her toddler behavior, but if she could, she would say:

“Mom, Dad, I know you guys are really stressed right now. You’re frustrated and feel that nothing you try is working to change my toddler behavior. I know you’re overwhelmed and you really don’t want to yell at me all the time. You probably even wonder who stole your ‘little bundle of joy’. But, I’m trying let you know what I really need – but you’re not ‘getting it’! I’m trying to tell you that this toddler behavior that is frustrating you is in part because I need some power of my own. I’m starting to grow up and I need to do some things for myself. You do everything for me and make every decision for me. I’m not a baby anymore and my lack of behavior is leading to the toddler behavior that is frustrating for both of us.
Since I’m only a toddler and can’t quite put all of this into words, all I can do is whine, refuse to cooperate, act helpless and have tantrums and meltdowns. I’ve figured out that I can really get your attention when we’re in public. But the only toddler behavior I know is not working. You just think I’m going through the ‘Terrible Twos’. I get extremely frustrated so I do my “terrible twos” antics louder and more often just hoping you’ll get the picture. If you want me to change my toddler behavior, I need my own power. I need to feel independent and I need to make some of my own decisions.
I wish you would figure this out so I can stop this toddler behavior!”

Children don’t misbehave just to misbehave. They act out because they want something. They are probably receiving tons of attention from you but they also need power. Yes, believe it or not, they need power. It’s hard to understand that a toddler needs power…but they do. It’s part of the maturation process.

Positive Parenting Solutions will teach you why children misbehave, how you may be unknowingly making the misbehaviors worse and what you can do to bring the terrible twos to an end. You don’t have to “wait it out”.