parenting

Guest post from food writer and owner of The Picky Eater, Anjali Shah

Has your baby reached the stage when they are ready to start solids? Do you want to begin this journey with them in a nurturing and positive way? 

This guide will help you and your child through this transition and will set them up for success in the future to embrace healthy foods and avoid becoming a picky eater. 

We’ll give you tips and tricks using the principles of Positive Parenting Solutions so that you don’t end up with any power struggles at mealtime!

Introducing solid foods to your baby is an exciting milestone! However, it can also be a step in your parenting journey that causes some trepidation. 

There are many different brands of foods marketed to parents to feed their babies at this stage. Then, there is the option of making homemade baby food.  

You may also be wondering if using the baby-led weaning approach to feeding is best, and how to ensure you raise a child that embraces fruits and vegetables. 

As you begin to introduce solids, you will find the approach that works best for you and your baby, which is likely to include some combination of homemade purees, store-bought baby food pouches, formula, breast milk, and finger foods.

While there are many different ways to approach starting solids with your baby, I have found that using the foundations taught in the Positive Parenting Solutions® online training program helps make the transition easy and seamless. 

In this post, I will review how to know when your baby is ready for solids, how to introduce different foods, and how to use the principles of PPS to introduce your baby to solids when they are ready.

I’ll also take a look at how to use PPS to avoid mealtime battles with toddlers, and encourage your picky eaters to give new foods a try!

What is Positive Parenting Solutions?

Positive Parenting Solutions is an online parenting course aimed at helping parents end power struggles, stop yelling and nagging, and let go of guilt. It’s a step-by-step process to become the best parent you always wanted to be! 

How do I know when my baby is ready to start solids?

Babies are typically ready to start trying solid foods when they reach the age of five or six months. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends six months as a good age to start introducing solids, but for some babies, it will be slightly earlier or later than this. Four months really is the minimum age, though. 

You’ll know when your baby is ready for solids when…

• He or she is able to sit in a high chair and can hold his or her head up. 
• Your baby begins to put objects in their mouths, including their hands and toys. 
• Your baby has put on enough weight to be approximately double his or her birth weight. 

Once you’ve noticed your baby has reached these milestones, schedule an appointment with your pediatrician to be sure your baby is ready to start eating solids.

Using the Principles of PPS to Start Solids with Your Baby

How do you use the principles of PPS to start solids with your baby and avoid mealtime drama?

Create a Conducive Environment for Mealtime

Prepare for mealtime by creating a happy and comfortable environment. 

Provide your baby with a secure high chair that they can easily sit in and manipulate their food, and give them a spoon to hold onto while you’re feeding them. This helps them to develop the fine motor skills to use a spoon later and gives them a sense of independence. 

By using the tools in Step 3 from the 7-Step Parenting Success System® course, parents can create a conducive environment for mealtime that helps your baby know what to expect. It also creates some boundaries around mealtime. 

When your baby knows that sitting in their high chair means it’s time to eat, and you provide them with the expected tools to eat, they will approach the situation with more ease and confidence.

Start Introducing New Foods

Your baby is naturally used to the taste of sweet and starchy foods because that is what breastmilk and formula taste like. 

In order to encourage them to try other flavors, start with foods that are bitter, pungent, and savory. This means trying vegetable purees, such as a vegetable puree with spinach, broccoli, and cauliflower, or a zucchini puree. 

I recommend starting with vegetable purees before giving your baby cereal, because cereal is starchy and sweet. Avoid sweet fruit purees at the start, and don’t introduce those until later when your baby has become accustomed to other flavors. 

Foods to start with…

• Avocado, carrots, green beans, sweet potato, butternut squash, pears, apples, broccoli, spinach, cauliflower.
• Then, add other fruits and vegetables that you like, and start introducing meats and fish. 

When you start giving purees to your baby, make sure to avoid anything that has added sugar or salt. It’s a good idea to introduce one food at a time and then wait a few days before trying something new, in order to ensure that your baby doesn’t develop a negative reaction such as diarrhea, vomiting, or rash. 

Once you’ve made sure your baby will tolerate different foods, you can combine them in your purees.

Step 4 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training course gives power to the child while allowing you as the parent to set boundaries. When mealtime rolls around, you decide what is offered, when it is served, and where eating happens. 

However, your child has some power as well. They decide how much of what is offered they eat. Allow your child to stop eating when they are done, and if they don’t like something you have offered, don’t try to force-feed them. This will create a positive environment for mealtime, and avoid mealtime battles.

FAQs About Feeding Methods

What if my baby doesn’t like purees?

If your baby doesn’t like the puree you introduce, don’t worry! It’s to be expected that your baby will not like everything you give him or her. Just give it some time and try again in a few days or a week. However, don’t try to force your baby to eat something they reject. 

What is baby-led weaning (BLW)?

The goal of baby-led weaning (BLW) is for babies to become more independent, better at regulating portion size, and more interested in trying new foods. 

Rather than spoon-feeding infants with purees, parents wait until their baby is old enough to handle small finger foods, usually around the age of six months. 

During baby-led weaning, infants can still eat purees, but they aren’t spoon-fed, so they learn to feed themselves with their fingers or by holding a baby spoon.

Which is better, feeding your baby purees or following BLW?

There is no right or wrong way when it comes to feeding your baby purees or following the BLW system. Not every baby and every family are the same. 

You need to choose what works best for you and your child, but you don’t need to choose between one or the other. You can do a combination of both! 

How to Manage Picky Eaters 

As your baby gets older and grows into a toddler, different problems may present themselves around mealtime. If your toddler is a picky eater, this doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong! Some children are simply pickier than others. 

When you have a picky eater, as a parent, one of the biggest worries you have is whether your child is eating enough to grow sufficiently, and whether they are getting a balanced diet to ensure they have all the vitamins and nutrients they need for growth and development.

As a result, mealtime can become a stressful experience–when it should be a time to sit and reconnect with your family.

These 11 tips will help avoid power struggles at mealtime, and help your toddler eat a balanced diet you feel good about!

1. Listen to Your Child’s Appetite

Your child knows when they are hungry and when they are full. As a result, respect their appetite and allow them to listen to their body’s signals. Don’t force meals or snacks on your child or beg them to try bites. This creates a power struggle. 

This doesn’t mean you allow them to eat whenever they want to, but instead during mealtime, allow them to eat what they want to. That might be all of their meal, or only a portion of their meal. 

Serve small portions to your toddler. They do not need to eat as much as adults. This will also help them feel less overwhelmed when they see the food on their plate. 

Allow them the opportunity to ask for more if they are still hungry. 

2. Create a Mealtime Routine

As mentioned above with introducing solids, create a mealtime routine. 

Offer your child three meals a day, plus two opportunities for a snack. If they don’t want to eat during one of their mealtimes, they can have their meal during one of their snack times. 

Instead of offering your toddler snacks throughout the day, which will likely cause them to not be hungry during mealtime, offer them a snack at specific times (which could be just finishing what they didn’t eat in the prior meal), and provide them with water to drink between meals so that they don’t fill up on other foods or drinks between meals. 

3. Be Patient with the Introduction of New Foods, Keep Trying, Be Consistent!

New foods are exciting for kids, but also they may not be sure how to react to them. The first time it is offered, they may only try a small bit. Reintroducing new foods as repeated exposure will encourage them to give them a try. 

It may take up to 100 tries before your child accepts a new food! 

Instead of talking about how a new food tastes, talk to them about the color, shape, texture, and smell. Continue to serve your child nutritious foods until they become accustomed to it — they may even start to prefer it. 

4. Don’t Offer a Child an Alternative Meal

While your child may turn up their nose at the meal put in front of them, do not offer to make them something else. This reinforces the idea that if they say they don’t like something, you’ll give them a preferred food. 

5. Don’t Keep “Junk” In The House

For the same reason as above, you also don’t want to keep snacks and “junk food” in the house for easy access! 

If it’s not in your house, your child pretty much won’t be able to eat it, and it won’t be tempting. 

So if your child asks for ice cream instead of their dinner, and you don’t have any ice cream, it becomes pretty easy to gently say no and remind them what their dinner is!

6. Allow them to Choose Fruits and Vegetables to Try

Kids of all ages need some choices in their lives. 

Imagine that every single minute is decided for you, and you’re constantly being told what to do. It’s normal for kids to want to take control, but it’s your job to set boundaries and limit choices. 

It’s ok to give your child two choices for a meal (but don’t give them 10 choices)! You can say, “Do you want a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich for lunch” for example. 

You can also take your child to the grocery store or farmer’s market with you and ask for their help in choosing fruits and vegetables. This will help them feel in control and excited about trying the foods they choose. 

7. Don’t Compare Kids

If you have more than one kid, and one child happens to be pickier, don’t compare them to their siblings! That’s going to have the opposite effect you want and will be discouraging for your child to try new foods. 

8. Limit Distractions

It’s not always possible to sit down as a family and eat together with everyone’s different schedules these days, but do your best to make mealtime special and limit distractions. Turn off the TV, take away toys and other distractions, so that your child can focus on their food. 

9. Don’t Offer Dessert as a Reward

When you offer dessert as a reward for finishing their meal, it sends the message that dessert is the best type of food to eat. This encourages your child to have a stronger desire for sweets. It also doesn’t provide any intrinsic motivation to eat well during mealtime. 

Instead of offering dessert after every meal, offer it as an option a few nights a week, or make dessert something like fruit or another healthy choice served with the meal.

10. Don’t Label Behavior or Foods!

I would avoid saying things like “you’re such a picky eater” or “don’t be a picky eater” to or around your child. This is because kids will adopt the labels we give them, and it’ll just reinforce picky eating behavior! 

Instead, don’t give a lot of attention to when they’re being picky, and just say something like “it seems like you don’t want to eat right now, that’s ok, your meal will be here when you are ready.” 

I would also avoid giving too much praise for “healthy eating” since your child may only end up eating healthy when you’re around to receive that praise, but it won’t build the long-term tools they’ll need for healthy eating throughout their life.

11. Make Mealtime Fun! 

Eat together as a family; make mealtime “together time”. Talk to each other about your day and allow your kids to ask questions and be curious at the dinner table. Serve a variety of colors and textures, cut their foods into fun shapes, and serve veggies with a dipping sauce you know they like!

Final Thoughts

Introducing your child to solids, and encouraging them to eat a healthy, well-balanced diet as they grow into the toddler stage is both exciting and challenging. By using the Positive Parenting Solutions approach, you can avoid mealtime battles, while encouraging your child to try new foods and allowing them to feel control over their food choices. 

About the Author

Anjali Shah is a food writer, published author, board-certified health coach, nutritionist, mom of two, and owner of The Picky Eater, a healthy food and lifestyle blog. Her work has garnered nationwide attention as she has been featured on Oprah.com, Women’s Health, Cooking Light, Reader’s Digest, CNN, Food Network, SELF, Glamour, BuzzFeed, Huffington Post, Ladies’ Home Journal, Whole Foods, SHAPE, and at Kaiser Permanente. Anjali grew up a “whole wheat” girl but married a “white bread” kind of guy. Hoping to prove that nutritious food could in fact be delicious and desirable, she taught herself how to cook and successfully transformed her husband’s eating habits from a diet of frozen pizzas and Taco Bell to her healthy, yet flavorful recipes made with simple, wholesome ingredients. Anjali’s programs are focused on teaching individuals and families how to make healthy choices and pick the right foods at the grocery store for overall wellness and maintenance. After becoming a mom, Anjali expanded her programs to include strategies and techniques to combat picky eating in kids of all ages. Anjali started The Picky Eater in 2011 to make healthy food accessible, tasty, easy to make at home, and picky-eater-proof. Follow her on Facebook, Pinterest, or Instagram.

Your kids watched Yes Day on Netflix and are begging to have their own whirlwind adventure with you. While you viewed the movie as humorous fiction, they viewed it as an imminent fact. 

Maybe you want to say “yes” to a Yes Day. But you just can’t wrap your head around the logistics. Or, maybe you don’t. Because the idea petrifies you. 

Your kids have amazing imaginations. Last year, your 4-year-old asked for a rainbow unicorn for Christmas. A real one. And your 8-year-old really wants a mosquito petrified in amber for his bringing-dinosaurs-back-to-life project.

Your kids aren’t afraid to push buttons. Your twelve-year-old is always asking for mature-rated video games. And your seventeen-year-old has been insisting on an unsupervised spring break adventure with friends. 

You find yourself saying “no” a lot, and with good reason. But the atmosphere at home can feel relentlessly fraught. (If you feel trapped in endless power struggles like these, our free online class will teach you how you can give kids power and satisfaction without the struggle or ‘giving in.’) 

I mean, your kids can–and do–ask for everything. A Yes Day could be a total disaster. 

But, despite all implications, this doesn’t have to be a free-for-all. That would be scary!

In reality, a day like this requires ground rules. These aren’t meant as buzzkills or to make you less committed. They’ll actually make your day more efficient and effective. 

We have some ideas for how you and your family can design a Yes Day that everyone will enjoy. But, first, are you wondering if the payoff is worth the effort?

Why You Should Have a Yes Day

Connection 

A Yes Day is an opportunity to connect with our children as fellow, life-loving humans–not just as parents.

Just think…

You were a child once. But at this very moment, those childhood memories may not ring a bell. Bells sound joyous and resonant. Your adult bell is dampened by the weight of stress and responsibility. It’s rusted, inflexible, and barely makes a ding. 

They say that’s one of the greatest gifts of parenthood, though; the opportunity to see the world anew through a child’s eager, awe-filled eyes. 

Plus, it feels good to reacquaint with our inner fountains of youth. And the bonus? Our kids love it when we do. 

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we rave about a tool called Mind, Body, and Soul Time. It constitutes spending 10-15 minutes–every day–with each of your kids (one parent per child) doing something they choose. 

Mind, Body, and Soul Time can be enhanced (though not replaced!) to include the entire household (or any combination of household adults and kids). This is considered family Mind, Body, and Soul Time, and it’s beneficial bonding for all. 

You can think of a Yes Day as family Mind, Body, and Soul Time times ten. Kids still choose the activities while you play along for 24 hours (or 12, if you all like to sleep!)

When parents play with their kids in a fun, silly, and even childlike state of mind, a deep connection is formed. It reminds kids you aren’t just mom/dad (teenagers may find you particularly antiquated), and it shows them you value your quality time together. 

This gives kids an amazing, irreplaceable boost of confidence and significance. 

“Although the downside might be extreme tiredness and sugar shock, the upside (to a Yes Day) is a boost to your child’s self-confidence.” — The Guardian

Bonding with our kids on multiple levels also increases trust, communication, and cooperation. 

Empowerment

Another benefit of a Yes Day is it offers kids some choice and freedom over their increasingly scheduled and micromanaged lives. 

According to CNN:

Though most parents know they should leave some space, temporal and psychological, for their kids to be themselves, many of us appear to be struggling with it. In recent decades, anxiety has spiked among children and teens. Mental health experts attribute this spike to a rise in external pressures and feeling as though someone else is calling all the shots.

If you encourage kids to plan a Yes Day, it can grant them a little breathing room. 

It also provides opportunities for growth and empowerment. 

Kids brainstorming their ideal day practice decision-making, organization, prioritization, and logistics–all crucial life skills that many kids are either robbed of or exposed to too late. 

They may even learn how hard YOUR daily job as a parent can be. Wouldn’t that be nice?

So, You Definitely Should Have a Yes Day. But When, and How Often?

Your Yes Day can be once a year or every few months. That’s up to your family and your preferences. 

A Yes Day can be strategized during a difficult time for a family, like the loss of a loved one, stress from moving, or a divorce. It can be a much-needed, carefree kind of day that eliminates stress for a brief but helpful time.

Or, you can plan one just because. 

But please…a Yes Day should not occur just because kids feel entitled to one. And it should be put on the calendar in advance, so everyone can look forward to and plan for it (you included!).

A Yes Day isn’t a mandatory or essential part of a solid, happy childhood. Nor is it designed for child-appeasing, spoiling, and ignoring important boundaries that your kids need. 

A responsible Yes Day is simply about empowerment and relationship-building–and the vessel is FUN! 

‘Yes Day’ Parameters Everyone Can Agree On

If you’re going to execute a Yes Day successfully, you know it has to feel right. 

We completely understand. To make the biggest impact, this day should be authentic for everyone. 

Since Yes Days aren’t a last-minute surprise, kids have the opportunity to understand and agree to the ground rules beforehand.

The parents in the Yes Day movie, for example, create guidelines that make the day reasonable and fair to all (this day isn’t JUST about kids)! 

These rules offer a great template for your Yes Day too, and they include:

• A budget (either for the family or per child)
• Nothing can be requested that permanently affects the future (like adopting a pet or getting a tattoo)
• Obviously, nothing dangerous or illegal 
• Nothing that involves travel beyond 20-50 miles (or some unreasonable) distance

One caveat: In the movie, the kids are told the Yes Day must be earned (by getting good grades and doing their chores). But we disagree. 

Positive parenting highly discourages the use of rewards for motivation in any situation, so it’s important never to frame a Yes Day as a reward for good behavior or celebrated achievements. 

If we do, we may undermine the magic of the day. It’s no longer about fun, connection, and empowerment; it’s now tied to a child’s performance.

If you are struggling to motivate your kids, trust me, there are much better tools at a parent’s disposal that avoid contributing to expectation and entitlement.

Ideally, your kids are already encouraged to act appropriately, finish their homework, and commit to family contributions, regardless of having a Yes Day. 

(Still, you might not want to plan the day right after a bombed report card or a substantial sibling fight). 

Another good rule is to encourage kids to remain sincere on Yes Day and not attempt to trick you into saying yes to something out of bounds. Putting a parent in an awkward position, where they feel forced to say yes is, first: manipulative, and second: not going to work. 

Here’s another consideration: should you stray from reliable family morning and bedtime routines on Yes Day? 

This depends on your kids and what you’re comfortable with. Routines are ideally followed every day, regardless of weekends and holidays, school time, or summer. But, if your kids easily adapt to a brief blip in a solid schedule–and one of the Yes Day requests breaks routine parameters–feel free to roll with the craziness! 

The bottom line is: you can use any rules you deem necessary for your family.

It’s also important to remember that your family’s Yes Day isn’t going to look like the neighbor’s Yes Day or your kid’s friend’s Yes Day. Your Yes Day will be unique and bring out everyone’s distinct personalities. You may even learn one or two things about one another. 

Sticking to the ‘Yes’ Plan

The hardest part of Yes Day, as you can imagine, is staying committed through thick and thin. You may have to take a deep breath before you utter some of those “Yeses.” You may have to force a smile through others. 

While solidifying your rules and parameters for the day, consider putting them in writing. Kids can sign this agreement (or make an “X”), and parents too! This way, when kids ask for something out of bounds, there’s no reason to say “no.” Instead, you can simply remind them, “We’ve already agreed we can’t do that.” 

Because your Yes Day is pre-planned (either by your kids specifically or all of you), you may have foresight into the day’s activities. Take that opportunity to mentally prepare for anything that may be especially challenging to you (spinning rides that make you sick at the theme park, watching your kids consume much more sugar than you’d normally allow, learning the latest TikTok dances in front of strangers…). 

Minimizing unpleasant surprises will help you stay positive and say Yes–with emphasis!!   

And if you absolutely have to say “no,” that’s fine! You’re still the parent, and you have “veto” power. But you can also try to say “no” in a roundabout way or make your “no” sound like a “yes.” This can be through a diversion, another question, or an alternative solution. You can even use a predetermined symbol, like crossed pointer fingers, meaning“sorry, try again.”

If both parents will be involved in Yes Day, make sure you are equally on board with strategies for the challenges the day brings. 

Final Thoughts

Your family’s Yes Day is likely to be everything from eye-opening, inspiring, exhausting, frustrating, and downright fantastic–and that will be the first ten minutes. 

While you decompress the following day, consider a debrief of your Yes Day. Start by asking which parts your kids loved the best. Ask what they’re most grateful for. And talk about what may have gone wrong…and why. 

This can become a helpful guideline for future Yes Days. You’ll remember what worked and what you’d like to do differently. It also gives your kids an opportunity to practice reflection and additional planning skills!

Each Yes Day can always get better. 

But, whether grandiose or low-key, your Yes Day will be an adventure to remember. So, don’t let it intimidate you. Using these strategies, you can make Yes Day a reality!

“Marco!” 

“Polo!” 

Through the darkness, you hear the sound of your children stifling their giggles as you wave your hands around, trying to catch them. 

To be honest, this has never been your favorite game. You can think of loads of activities you’d rather be doing than fumbling around the house blindfolded. (Ouch! Was that coffee table always there?) 

But to your kids, it’s the best game on the planet! So you play. 

A lot.

But despite your lack of enthusiasm for the game, you have started to notice that something interesting happens after every play session.

Your kids’ attitudes change…for the better!

But do you know why?

It has nothing to do with the game itself and everything to do with how you as a parent interact with them. 

I can’t tell you how many parents have taken our FREE WEBINAR or purchased the full 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program
, all looking for answers to this very same question.

How do I change my child’s misbehavior?

And my answer always begins the same way. It all starts with YOU!

That’s right; your actions as a parent have a powerful correlation with the misbehavior you’re seeing in your children. 

Now, please don’t think I’m here to point fingers! At some point in time, every parent comes to realize the role they play in their children’s behavior. I’m just here to help!

Believe it or not, one of the key ways you can change misbehavior (for the better!) is to connect with your kids on their level. Because you can’t expect your kids to think like adults. They’ve never been there before!

But you can certainly think like your kids. And I promise, when you shift your mindset to one that more closely reflects your child’s–that’s where the magic happens! You’ll enjoy deeper connections, more cooperation, and better behavior in no time.

Want a little help getting into that mindset? Here are five strategies to help get you out of your world…and into theirs!

1. Channel Your Inner Child

One of the best ways to connect with your child is to shift your mindset to one that more closely resembles their own.

In other words, I want you to act, play, and think…like a kid!

You see, we all start out in life with that beautiful childlike mentality. Do you remember looking up at the sky and seeing the shapes made in the clouds?

There’s a rhino chasing a bunny rabbit! That one looks like a donut with a bite taken out of it!

But now, when you look up at the sky, all you see are puffy, white, cumulonimbus clouds. Each shape is an obscure blob that doesn’t look like anything at all. 

You remember that childish imagination and sense of wonder, but you lost the ability to channel it somewhere along the path to adulthood.

And, oh, what you wouldn’t give to have it back!

Here’s the thing. For adults, it is harder to channel our inner child. And for good reason! After all, how much of our day do we spend at work, in meetings, doing chores, and taking care of our children?

All of those tasks require us to be in an adult mindset. So naturally, that’s where we default to most often.

But if you want to connect with your child on a deeper, more meaningful level, something’s got to give. And I think you know what that something is…

You need to enter what is known as the Child Ego State. This is the state of thinking your kids are engaged in during a significant portion of their day. And it’s (usually) a wonderful place to be! 

Now, this comes with a bit of a Catch 22. Because, as all parents know, the child mindset is highly emotional. Which is not always a good thing. (Remember those terrible two tantrums?)

Your job is to stick to the fun end of the spectrum. 

Let’s say you want to bond with your 5-year-old son. Try and remember what it was like to be his age. What did that feel like? How amazing was it to just play? What sort of things did you love when your parents played with you?

Perhaps you enjoyed building LEGO cities with your mom or roughhousing with your dad in the backyard. It was so easy to live in the moment, forget every problem in your life, and simply be a kid. 

Now take that feeling and bring it to life. The chores can wait. Dinner can be pushed. Age yourself down and engage with your child.

I promise if you make it a habit to bring out your inner child at least once each day, as time goes on it will get easier to make that mental shift. And the more you engage in childlike play with your kid, the better behavior you’re going to see on their end. 

Because when we play with our kids, we send them a very important message without saying a word.

I love our time together. You’re so special to me.

It gives them a massive boost of positive attention that they’ll gladly exchange for better behavior.

Helpful Hint: Did you know there are two other ego states we engage in that often escalate power struggles? the 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program
unpacks each one, giving you valuable insight into how your state of personality affects your child’s behavior.

2. Schedule Daily One-on-One Time

Want to know the best medicine for treating misbehavior? Spending quality time with your child!

It’s no secret our children desire our time and attention. Okay, if you’re the parent of a teenager, you may be rolling your eyes right now. But it’s still important!

In fact, the most powerful tool in the Positive Parenting Solutions® toolbox is what we refer to as MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness. 

MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® togetherness occurs when we intentionally set aside time each day to emotionally connect and pour attention into our kids one-on-one. This time is absolutely critical because not only does it tell our children how much we value them–it shows them! 

What child wouldn’t want that?

However, for this prescription to work, you’ve got to give your kids a daily dose. Two if you can spare it! 

It doesn’t have to be long–10-15 minutes will do just fine–but it does need to happen regularly. Your kids need to know they can count on receiving that special time with you. Because if you don’t give them your full attention in a controlled and calm environment, they will get it other ways.

This is also the best time to get into that Child Ego State we just covered.

Start by asking your child what they would like to do during your special time together. 

“I’m so excited for our special time today! What sounds fun?”

Maybe your 3-year-old wants to play a round of Candy Land, or your 13-year-old is just dying to show you his perfected ollie at the skate park. Try to go along with whatever they chose for the activity, even if it’s not your favorite. 

When you take the time to connect with your child by doing something they want to do (rather than what you want to do), you’re giving yourself a fantastic gift: a peek into your child’s world! 

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members–learn more about the benefits of MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® connection by reviewing Step 1 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System. And also, review the advanced module, “The Busy Parent’s Guide to MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME®.”

3. Take Time Away From Technology

At the end of a long workday, I understand how appealing it is to slip on your most comfortable pajamas, and lay in bed mindlessly scrolling through social media while the kids are in bed fast asleep.

Because nothing says “distraction” from life’s hardships quite like technology.

Plus, it’s a wonderful tool that serves a purpose. BUT it’s important to set limits both for yourself and your children when it comes to its use. 

Because for as many positives technology brings to our lives as parents, it can be equally problematic.

For instance…

How discouraging is it when you ask your child to finish their Family Contributions, but they’re stuck playing on the iPad? Honestly, it’s probably just as discouraging for them when they ask you a question, and you’re glued to your phone. 

Too much tech time isn’t just a kid issue. We all face the urge to overdo it now and again. But when you’re looking to build a connection with your child, it’s important to put aside those external distractions and live in the moment.

So, where are some areas of life you can cut the tech?

How about in the car? Turn down the radio, have your child put away any games they may be playing, and strike up a conversation! You can ask them what they are most looking forward to that day or even play a few rounds of I Spy.  

I’m telling you, some of the best heart-to-hearts you’ll ever have with your children will take place on the road.

Another great place to cut out technology is at the family table.

It seems to be a dying tradition with the modern family’s busy schedule, but making time to eat dinner (or another meal) together as a family without technology is a connection-building goldmine!

Sometimes family meals are the only opportunity you have for the entire family to get together at once. So don’t waste that precious time by bringing technology into the mix. 

Set the phones in the kitchen, turn off the television, and enjoy one another’s company. If you’re unsure how to get the conversation rolling, get yourself a set of Table Topics or Google some ideas beforehand. You’d be surprised how quickly conversations spark when the right questions are asked.

Finally, try adding in an occasional tech-free day or weekend. This doesn’t have to happen all the time, or even on a regular schedule (unless you want it to!). Make it memorable by picking a fun activity to do together–something out of the norm. 

Maybe you take a trip to the mountains for a family hike or spend the afternoon playing mini-golf and riding go-karts at your local adventure park. What you do isn’t important, as long as the time you spend together is meaningful and uninterrupted.

Before too long, you and your kids will crave the special time together. Technology will be nothing but an afterthought.

4. Slow Down

“Hurry up and finish your breakfast, or you’ll miss the bus!” 

“Don’t dawdle through the grocery store aisles; we’ve got places to be.” 

“Piano lessons start at 3:45, so no playing around after school today!” 

Do any of these sound familiar? 

As parents, it’s natural for us to place the schedule above all else. After all, having a well-oiled daily routine can feel like a matter of survival, especially when our children thrive on routines.

But as the saying goes, sometimes you need to stop and smell the roses. 

Because children conceptualize time differently than adults.

Every year that goes by, time seems to speed up more and more. Yesterday you were your child’s age, then you blinked, and here you are. You think, Where did the time go?

Of course, we know time operates the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. There will always be 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, and 24 hours in a day. But that doesn’t mean it feels the same for everyone.

In fact, the younger you are, the slower time feels. 

That’s because children absorb an abundance of new information every single day. They feel each of those seconds passing because their young minds are working overtime trying to make sense of what’s going on around them!

But as much as you may want them to hurry up, you’re going to get so much more out of your interaction if, instead, you slow down.

That ladybug on the sidewalk may seem unimportant to you as you hurry your toddler to daycare. But to her, it’s the most important thing in her ever-expanding world.

So if you can, ignore the pressing schedule for just a few moments and admire it with her. By slowing down for her, you’ll be giving her an extra dose of your time and attention–something she most definitely craves!

5. Schedule a Yes Day 

How many times each day do you say the word “no” to your child?

My guess is a lot. 

“No, you can’t eat ice cream right before dinner.” 

“No video games until you’ve finished all your homework.”

“No, you can’t jump from the roof to the trampoline–that’s crazy!”

“No. No. No. No. NO!”

The problem with “no” is that it’s disheartening for both them and us. Our kids can’t stand having their requests constantly turned down, and we dislike always having to be the bad guy.

We know there are some situations where “no” is unavoidable. Like, “No, you can’t play with that chainsaw!”

But I challenge you to focus on turning some of those “no” answers into “yes” answers. 

One way to do this is to simply shift your phrasing. In other words, make your “no” sound like a “yes.” 

For example, you could say, “Unfortunately, only adults are allowed to use the chainsaw. But I’d love it if you brought your play tools out to help me in the yard!”

See how I snuck that “no” in there without ever having to actually say it?

Of course, you also want to start handing out more real “yes” answers too. And one fantastic way to do that is by scheduling a Yes Day.

A Yes Day is precisely what it sounds like. It’s one full day making an active effort to say “yes” to all your child’s requests. 

You’ll want to use your discretion and keep the requests within reason. Otherwise, your twelve-year-old who desperately wants to go skydiving may take advantage. But this isn’t the time to be stingy with the little things, either.

In other words, step out of your comfort zone and say “yes” to ice cream for breakfast or Christmas pajamas all day long (even in July).

Just be sure that your Yes Day is not a last-minute decision. This is one event you need to schedule in advance. Also, bring your kids in on it. Let them know when this will be taking place, so they have time to plan out what they will be asking that day.

This will also allow you to go over the ground rules and mentally prepare yourself for the day.

As terrifying as a Yes Day may sound to you, I promise, this is going to be a major highlight when your kids look back on their childhoods. They’ll think, Wow, Mom and Dad not only listened to what I wanted to do–they actually did it! 

The amount of belonging and significance they’ll feel will be astronomical. 

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been longing to connect with your child on a deeper level, don’t wait another minute to take action. Now is the time to reach out and get on their level!

Because the truth is, it wasn’t that long ago you were a child yourself. It may take some time, energy, and practice on your part, but connecting with your children on their level is a surefire way to reduce the amount of misbehavior you see every day. 

Now get out there, and think like a kid! 

It’s 10 AM on a Tuesday. You’re finally accomplishing some long put-off work when your cell rings. 

It’s the school. Oh no, is he sick? It’s already the third time this year.

But it’s not the school nurse. It’s an administrator. And, when she starts to speak, your heart skips a beat. 

There’s been a bullying incident. Everyone’s okay, thank goodness. But as the conversation continues, your heart begins to sink. 

Your son’s social challenges spiraled out of control, and he took it out on another student…

Parenting has never been harder. 

A lot of attention goes to kids who are the targets of bullying, and rightfully so. It’s a crucial issue that schools and families are working diligently to tackle.

But on the other side are those labeled as the bullies and their families. They may receive far less sympathy but are equally distraught. They are experiencing endless questions, blame, and shame. 

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we know the word bully is emotionally charged. It is an unnecessary, highly destructive label that makes kids feel even worse about themselves, and it affects the way parents and other adults interact with the child. 

(NOTE: In this article, we will not use the word “bully” as a label for a child–we will only use it as a verb to describe the “act of bullying.” Instead, we will refer to the challenging behaviors these kids are presenting.) 

Hearing the news that your child has been unkind or aggressive may make you bewildered, embarrassed, sick to your stomach, and even defensive. Quite possibly, you have no idea what to do next.

Admitting there’s a problem is the first step, and finding the reason behind this behavior comes next. In fact, before we go further, our FREE ONLINE CLASS reveals the source of misbehavior and how to deliver–when necessary–consequences that are efficient and effective. 

If you are a parent or family dealing with this difficult scenario, it IS possible to navigate it with confidence, dignity, and courage. Your kid isn’t a bad kid or destined for trouble. He or she simply needs some loving, positive guidance!

But, before we can help our kids make good choices when it comes to bullying, we need to understand why kids feel the need to take their frustration–whether from a lack of social awareness, deep-seated insecurities, violence they’ve dealt with in their own lives, or a host of other issues–out on other children.

Why Some Kids Bully

Bullying is as old as time, but we know that doesn’t make it okay. It’s our job as parents and as a society to make the world better for everyone–even if that means combatting something widespread.

Some experts assert that aggressive behavior may have evolutionary roots. But, based on a child’s circumstances and environment, it is most certainly an environmental/learned behavior, too. 

According to Stomp Out Bullying, kids can become more inclined towards intimidation when they:

• Wrestle with emotional issues
• Feel insecure/powerless/lack attention
• Are bullied by someone else 
• Have social difficulties 
• Lack empathy 

If you’re worried your child may be wrestling with these issues but aren’t quite sure, here are some red flags to watch out for: 

Signs Your Child is Struggling to Manage or Recognize Emotions 

According to StopBullying.gov, there are multiple indications your child is becoming confrontational. These behaviors may include: 

• Getting into physical or verbal fights
• Hanging out with friends who bully others
• Acting increasingly aggressive
• Getting sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently
• Having unexplained extra money or new belongings
• Blaming others for their problems
• Not accepting responsibility for their actions
• Competitiveness and worrying about their reputation or popularity

If any of these behaviors are noticeable, it’s a good idea to try to talk to your child about things that could be bothering them. You can also reach out to the school if maintaining open communication is difficult. 

And be aware that these behaviors start young! According to Joel Haber, PhD, a bullying prevention expert, negative social behaviors can begin “…when kids start relating to each other, which can start at age two or three. We see at three that girls pair off to become best friends and exclude another. That’s at three years old. So by the time they get to elementary school and middle school, they’re pros.”

Why Bullying Is So Harmful 

Bullying is never something to take lightly. In fact, society is finally beginning to recognize that it’s an issue that must be dealt with. The impact can be truly devastating.

Adverse Childhood Experiences

When measuring the impact of early trauma, or ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences), bullying plays a huge factor. 

ACEs can affect children their entire lives, impairing their mental health, relationships, and quality of life.

It Creates a Vicious Cycle 

Bullying commonly ricochets to more bullying. A child bullied by a friend or a parent is more likely to show aggression towards another child at school. 

When we stop bullying in its tracks, it can prevent exponential harm.

How to Help Your Child (and Prevent Future Bullying) 

We’ve learned that kids who choose to intimidate others are often lacking something. The question is, as parents and caregivers, how can we fulfill what they need? Especially when they take negative feelings out on others? 

1. Focus on Discipline, not Punishment

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we talk a lot about the difference between discipline and punishment. The distinction is crucial! 

According to Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, the most basic explanation is that punishment, like spanking, is anything that inflicts blame, shame and/or pain. It is a reactive, rather than proactive, response to a misbehavior, and it doesn’t teach kids why certain behavior is wrong or how to act differently next time.

And, what’s equally detrimental–it turns their anger towards you and others. 

Discipline, on the other hand, correlates misbehavior to its outcomes without unnecessary negativity. In fact, well-engineered logical consequences teach kids that their own actions dictate results–all with respect and without judgment.

It may seem counterintuitive, but misbehaving kids need more love and understanding than ever. Yes, they may need to face discipline and consequences, but punishment? Never! That will only make things worse.

Here are some tools to try immediately with EVERY child–especially one singling out other kids to pick on or otherwise harm. 

2. Commit to Mind, Body, and Soul Time® activities

As mentioned earlier, many kids feel insecure, powerless, and a lack of attention. And, according to Adlerian Psychology (which provides the basis for positive parenting) all children crave a sense of belonging and significance.

Yes. Aggressive kids may seem rough, tough, and unruly, but in many cases, that hard exterior is just a lack of feeling emotionally connected and knowing they matter. They may be suffering from a lack of positive, one-on-one time and attention with mom and dad. 

Mind, Body, and Soul Time® togetherness is the most important tool in positive parenting, because, when a child feels a deep emotional connection with his parents or caregivers, we fend off a tremendous amount of misbehavior from occurring in the first place.

Really?? REALLY!!

When we talk about targeting the root source of misbehavior, Mind, Body, and Soul Time hits a bullseye. It tells kids they are valued, loved, and respected despite their failures and shortcomings–maybe even because of them. It gives them power, attention, and a sense of security, all of which so many kids lack!

This tool is best used EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. But, it doesn’t have to be a huge time suck. Even 10-15 minutes once or twice each day, one-on-one between each parent and each child will work wonders. It just has to include bonding over something the child chooses to do. 

It also opens doorways towards increased communication. You may find out your daughter is acting aggressively because she’s being bullied by someone else. Or, maybe your son is having social difficulties and doesn’t feel like he fits in. 

In a safe space, kids can open up about anything. Contrarily, when we don’t focus on our time and relationships with our children, we have less insight into their lives.

3. Create a Decision-Rich Environment

Another way to give kids a sense of power is to create a Decision-Rich Environment in your home. 

Kids that feel powerless typically receive a lot of ordering, correcting and directing from their parents. They may not be allowed a voice or as much input as they’d like. 

You may be saying, “Wait a minute…aren’t I the boss?” 

Of course you are! But, all human beings, big or small, need to have some power over their lives. That’s why we can create situations where our kids make age-appropriate decisions and know their opinions matter. 

Maybe, after the implementation of a new after-school routine, you’ve noticed your 10-year-old being mean to her younger sister. Take a look at the new schedule–is there room there for your older daughter to make some more decisions? She could be feeling constrained and powerless.

You can allow her to choose between outfits for school, decide what she’d like to do in her free time, and/or allow her to choose which homework subject she completes first. 

For younger kids, even as young as two or three, you may begin noticing playground aggression. Kids may feel powerless when they’re forced to share toys, told they can’t go up the slide, or asked repeatedly to wait their turn. Among a million other things. 

While kids still need to learn appropriate playground behavior, we can give them other playground choices to make them feel less “bossed around.” They can decide which snacks to bring for the playground picnic, or tell you which friend they’d like to invite for a play date. They can choose the toys they’d like to play with, and whether they’d like you to push them on the swing now, or later. 

The bottom line is…the more opportunities we give kids to make age-appropriate choices and to have some dominion over their own lives, the less likely they are to seek power over others. 

4. Withhold the Judgment

Kids are more likely to open up about misbehavior–or avoid it altogether–when we eliminate judgment. 

Responding calmly, listening well, and not rushing to conclusions makes kids less afraid to come to us when they’re in trouble. Withholding judgment also makes them less likely to lie. 

Kids like to avoid our disappointment and potential punishment, so in their minds, lying can be as good a tool as any to sidestep negative reactions and situations. 

But, when we listen and react well, there’s less concern over making things worse. Instead, kids can focus on making things right.

5. Set a Good Example 

Parents set the standards for their kids. We’re the role models, always modeling the correct way to treat people. Kids learn the most when they’re at home observing us. 

Teaching an appropriate attitude towards others means following the golden rule and treating others the way you want to be treated. It’s exhibiting inclusivity and empathy with friends, family, even strangers. 

It’s true that many quarrelsome kids come from families struggling with hardship, emotional issues, power imbalances, and trauma. So, making sure each child’s home environment is safe, loving, and supportive is equally crucial. 

6. Focus on Gratitude and Empathy

If your child has become combative at least partially because of a lack of empathy for others, it’s time to give a good dose of perspective. 

Volunteering for those less fortunate is always a way to expand a child’s awareness. It turns apathy and “what’s in it for me” into helping others because it’s the right thing to do–and it makes them feel good.

It’s seeing the world from someone else’s perspective. 

We can also train kids to regularly consider what they’re grateful for. Daily gratitude journals are a great start. 

Grateful kids are more likely to appreciate and understand why things are good in their lives. They’re less likely to take things for granted and more likely to understand the impact of negativity. 

What About Tough Love and Adversity?

There can be benefits to hardship. Growing stronger, learning to manage pain, and problem-solving are all powerful examples.

The trick is knowing where to draw the line between helpful and harmful adversity.

As we’ve learned, we don’t have to punish kids through tough love to teach important lessons. 

And kids don’t have to intimidate others to gain confidence and feel empowered!

Many parents embrace the philosophy that bullying and being bullied are a part of life. It’s unfortunate, but just another aspect of those everyday growing pains.

Sure, life won’t treat everyone fairly, and working through conflict does make kids tougher. 

But turning a blind eye when a child harms others only decreases their capacity for empathy. And bullied kids don’t have to run the gauntlet to learn to stand up for themselves!

Final Thoughts

The quest to end bullying starts at the source. When we raise our kids with love, intention, and positive techniques, the impetus to antagonize others quickly deteriorates. 

Don’t forget to involve teachers, counselors, family, and friends in your plans to stop bullying. If you’re concerned about your child’s mental health, or you aren’t seeing improvement with aggressive behavior, please consult a professional, too. 

Parenting has never been harder–but there’s no reason to be disheartened.