parenting

It starts when your son rides his balance bike around the block–alone. A few years later, he’s off to his first sleepover. 

It continues when your teenage daughter goes out on her first date. Before you know it, you’re waving goodbye as she drives off to college.

The pattern is familiar for all parents, and it never gets any easier. 

Loving our children means letting them go. 

We don’t always remember this in the thick of things when our children are so dependent on us. 

I mean, it’s hard to imagine that little toddler in fire truck pajamas riding his bike to school or leading his cub scouts to their campsite. It’s just as difficult to grasp that your daughter, once in a high chair flinging pasta around the kitchen, is now on that first dinner date. 

But 10-20 years from now–if all goes according to plan–we’ll have raised our children to be independent. 

But what’s the best way to impart independence? Which tools can we utilize now to help our kids one day succeed outside our domain? 

At Positive Parenting Solutions, we are all about tools. My online course has over 36 of them that can help in almost every parenting predicament. We’ll discuss a few of them here, and you can learn even more through our FREE PARENTING CLASS. 

But positive parenting is also a philosophy–one that naturally equips kids with the skills needed to grow in their independence. 

Even so, ensuring our kids will successfully soar in the soon-to-be real world is easier said than done.

Here are 6 strategies for raising independent kids (as hard as it will one day be to see them go).

1. Don’t Do For Your Kids What They Can Do For Themselves

It begins by simply offering help. Maybe it’s tying their shoes, pouring their milk, or doing their math homework. Then, we keep helping. 

Before long, they either expect us to help or don’t believe they can do it themselves. 

To a large extent, assisting our kids is part of our job description. We’re supposed to help toddlers zip up their winter coats and guide sleepy kids toward their soft, warm beds. We’re meant to place curfews on teenagers still learning to make wise choices. 

But a pattern of regularly doing for kids what they can do for themselves makes them further reliant on us.

According to Adlerian Psychology–the basis of positive parenting–our primary job as caregivers is to move our kids from complete dependence to complete independence. If we don’t, we inhibit their progress (and make our lives harder). 

It’s so tempting to do things for our kids, either through generosity or even to get the task done faster. But the best advice I can give you is to resist this urge and encourage self-sufficiency. 

“A dependent child is a demanding child. Children become irresponsible only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility.” – Rudolf Dreikurs and Margaret Goldman.

Take Time for Training

Even still, you may be wondering, “If we aren’t supposed to do things FOR our kids that they’re perfectly capable of doing for themselves, how do we ensure things get done completely and efficiently?”

Instead of unintentionally instilling a sense of helplessness by overly assisting our children, we can Take Time for Training and TEACH them they can do most things for themselves. 

Parents often underestimate this simple tool. It can feel burdensome because it does take time. It may even take several repetitions for kids to grasp something–like a toddler carefully cracking an egg into cookie batter or a tween getting ALL the grime off those dishes. 

We don’t always have time to interact with our kids face-to-face and calmly teach them what we know. But this is one of a parent’s most crucial jobs. Besides providing for our children, we need to teach them to provide for themselves.

Kids as young as two or three can be encouraged to do as much as possible for themselves. This includes getting dressed, making their beds, and helping themselves to food in the refrigerator. 

And naturally, the older kids get, the greater the responsibilities.

The Take Time for Training tool gives our kids the confidence and encouragement to develop the skills so crucial for independence. It also replaces expectation and entitlement with a healthy dose of responsibility.

Which leads me to that never-ending quest for help around the house…

2. Focus on Family Contributions

Every member of a family plays an important role in a successfully running household. 

If our goal is to raise independent kids, there are basic skills they’ll need as a functioning adult. Learning how to clean a house, cook wholesome meals, and change a baby sister’s diaper now saves kids time and training later. 

From folding their laundry to picking up toys, when we expect kids to contribute in age-appropriate ways they realize they are indispensable to the family team. This builds their confidence and encourages them to do even more to help out!

What also helps is to label these tasks as “Family Contributions”–because “chores” is a word more associated with boring, undesirable, and begrudging work. Plus, by switching up our language, we drive home the fact that our children’s contributions have a greater purpose.

Once they’re on their own, kids who are well-rehearsed in completing contributions will be experts in home economics. After all, cleaning a bathroom isn’t something we just know how to do. Nor is cooking a healthy, unpackaged dinner. It’s something that needs to be learned and practiced!

Plus, while we want our kids to be brilliant and great at their future jobs, let’s face it–if their houses are a pig-sty and they can’t cook a pancake, they are at a disadvantage. 

The earlier kids share a portion of daily duties, the better for everyone. 

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions Members, be sure to review the “Jobs for Kids by Age” list in your Step 2 Workbook.

3. Maintain a Decision-Rich Environment

Every single day is filled with hundreds of choices. Pizza or pasta? Red skirt or blue? Violin or cello? Four-year college or two?

Allowing our children to make age-appropriate choices throughout the day gives them a sense of control and dominion over their lives. And–you guessed it. Decisions also lead to independent thinking and independent actions.

Kids need practice making choices and weighing pros and cons. Plus, when making their own choices they take ownership of those choices. They learn from their bad decisions and can’t blame anyone else for them. 

The key is to make decision-making a normal part of your family’s routine and environment. This could mean anything from stocking a bin in the pantry with healthy snacks for your 4-year-old to letting your 12-year-old plan-out her after-school routine. 

It’s not a free-for-all–you’ll set up the choices and get the final say. But by purposefully building decision-making opportunities into each day, your kids will get used to the expectation that they’ll be thinking for themselves–not only now, but once they’re grown and flown.

Also, that pasta tastes SO much better because they picked it!

Provide an Allowance 

Another excellent way to flex children’s decision-making muscles is to offer them an allowance. Besides granting some fiscal fun, an allowance can teach kids to budget and manage future incomes.

As we all know, monetary self-sufficiency is one of the most crucial aspects of independence.

Maybe there’s a toy they want to buy, new skinny jeans–even a used car. Having an allowance to work with teaches kids how long it takes to save for things they really want. 

On the flip side of the coin, an allowance teaches them how quickly and easily money can be spent.

One day, they’ll likely need a down payment for a house. They’ll also want to take that once-in-a-lifetime vacation–all while also paying their bills. 

If we allow some practice with a small budget (even just a little piggy bank), our children will know what kind of hard work and patience these goals require.

Please Note: Be conscious of not tying allowances to Family Contributions. Although the concept can be tricky, allowances given in exchange for ordinary help around the house can be confused with rewards. Ideally, an allowance is for budgeting alone.

Giving our kids real-life choices, whether major, minor, or monetary, helps prepare them for all the other choices that lay ahead.  

4. Encourage Effort…and Celebrate Failure!

That perfection thing? It’s overrated and causes kids a LOT of anxiety. Some kids are so locked into the fear of failure, they don’t even try.

Imagine how this might play out in the real world–the place where your child needs to take risks. Whether applying for college, interviewing for jobs, or bidding on their very first home, they’ll need to be prepared for disappointment and poised to learn from it.

To help kids overcome this when they’re independent adults, focus on the quality of their EFFORTS while they’re still under your roof.

If your son studied hard for his biology test and still got a C, it’s the hard work he put in that counts. If your potty-training toddler failed to make it to the toilet in time, her steps (literally) in the right direction are commendable. 

We can also focus on efforts by encouraging kids to try new things, get out of their comfort zones, and be creative–all to foster their sense of independence without the pressure to succeed or be perfect. Encouragement is never about the result. 

Instead, it embraces the process. 

When we laser-focus on our kids’ efforts and bravery–especially through their willingness to take risks–they’ll be less intimidated to work hard and take chances in the future. Ideally, they’ll learn not to fear failure at all, because failure isn’t even the point. 

Effort is what will keep them on their own two feet.

5. Promote Problem-Solving

It’s SO hard to curb the parental instinct to jump in and fix our kids’ problems. But when it comes to encouraging them to do things on their own, this includes problem-solving!

We can assist them, instead, by giving them the chance to find good solutions. 

One way to inspire this is to ask our kids “How?” questions. 

“How could you make your sister feel better (since you took her action figure)?” 

“How will you make sure you get up in time to catch the bus?”

Just like in a Decision-Rich Environment, if we want kids to think for themselves one day, we can’t provide all the answers. We can assure them we’re available for suggestions or assistance but that it’s best for them to reach their own conclusions.

Avoiding the tendency to jump in with our answers to their problems helps our kids feel confident in their abilities. 

What we DO want to offer, however, is a safety-net that allows kids to problem-solve in a controlled environment. With this structure and support in place, bad solutions won’t face serious consequences. 

For example: 

Let’s say your eleven-year-old left his retainer at his friend’s sleepover last night. If his solution is to walk across the neighborhood at 9 pm to retrieve it, you can respond with, “I appreciate your plan to walk over there, but it’s your bedtime and probably pretty close to your friend’s bedtime, too. Let’s wait until morning when it isn’t dark out and your friend is up and around.” 

This way, less-than-ideal solutions can become learning opportunities.

Before long, your child’s problem-solving skills will be prepped and ready for long-term, real-life action.   

6. Nourish Your Child’s “Spirit”

It can be shocking how early our kids’ personalities shine through. Maybe your baby fusses easily and loves being the center of attention. Perhaps your bubbly toddler is as stubborn as she is talkative. 

One of the best things we can do for our kids’ independence–especially if we want them to be confident in their abilities and comfortable in their own skin–is to work with these unique strengths and characteristics without defining them. 

This includes abandoning any preconceived notions of what we think our kids are like or what we want them to become.

It helps if we start by not labeling our kids. Even if we notice strengths or weaknesses early on, we don’t want our kids to feel defined by our perceptions.

Extroverted parents might have an introverted 6-year-old that likes to play alone and would rather not talk to other kids. When she refuses to talk to friends and extended family, they tend to call her “shy”–right within earshot. 

Even if certain behaviors or characteristics are true, they aren’t necessarily set in stone, especially at such a young age. We don’t want to define our kids, nor do we want them thinking that certain characteristics are bad. 

In her alone play, the same introverted daughter could be honing her LEGO engineering skills or developing a wonderful, outside-the-box imagination. Both are skills and strengths that, regardless of any overt social hesitancy, should be embraced.

Even when parents feel the need to explain a child’s characteristics, like, “I’m sorry, my daughter will talk your ear off if you let her,” a better phrase would be, “My daughter is excellent at communication. She’s really open about her experiences and feelings.” 

Kids that hear positive feedback spend less time retreating from their traits and more time expanding upon them. And when they’re ultimately out on their own, being well aware of these strengths will help them choose suitable lifestyles, careers–even partners. 

All in all, nourishing a child’s spirit makes confident, strong-minded thinking just that much more inherent. 

Final Thoughts

As parents, it feels good–great even–when our kids need us. We love it when they turn to us for guidance, affection–even for that peanut butter and jelly sandwich. 

Don’t worry, your kids will always need you in one way or another. 

We do have to remind ourselves, however, that our long-term parenting goal is to guide our kids from being totally dependent on us into becoming independent thinkers and doers. And that’s no overnight task.

Raising kids to take a proactive role in their everyday lives might be a little scary at first. But believe me, encouraging your kids’ independence is a gift that will keep on giving.

I can’t promise you won’t crumble after sending your recruit off to boot camp or cry buckets when your daughter chooses an out-of-state college. You will lose part of your heart when you send your children into the “real world.” 

But knowing that you’ve raised them to be independent will give you the confidence and strength to let them go…and conquer. 

Amy’s Note: I know how personal Santa is to you and your family. My intention isn’t to pass judgment, encourage one belief over another, or step on any toes. For those of you that have introduced Santa to your kids, or are considering it, these are simply ideas to transition away from a storybook Santa–whenever the time is right–and embrace a lifetime of actionable kindness and generosity. 

To millions around the world, the holiday season is incomplete without a jovial, resonant “Ho Ho Ho.” 

Santa Claus isn’t just a Christmas icon. Various countries and cultures have adopted the concept of Kris Kringle and run with it.

Any belief in Santa is deeply personal and can be presented and discussed however parents and caregivers choose. 

But if Santa has become part of your family’s traditions, there comes a time when kids learn who’s really making the gift list and checking it twice. 

As is true with the majority of positive parenting strategies I teach, the most effective way to navigate conversations about Santa is to take a proactive approach. 

So, while children are still whimsically wrapped up in Mr. Claus, here are tips to gently prepare them for the inevitable, big reveal.

Lay the “Christmas Spirit” Groundwork Early On

Many kids grow up entrenched in the idea of Santa. Babies are cuddled in his arms and toddlers sit on his giant, welcoming lap. Kids smile earnestly–or cry just as intensely–for the photo op. 

From our earliest Christmases, we know the old man in red works wonders. He has reindeer and a sleigh that circumnavigate the globe in a day. He automatically knows who’s been naughty and nice. And, he’s the keeper of the most coveted gifts. 

These visions of Santa make the holidays fun for kids and adults alike. The younger kids are, the more we can lean into these concepts and watch the wonder unfold. 

However, as wonderful as it is to delve into the magic, we can also lay the foundation for a future, longer-lasting Santa. Even as we line our kids up for photos and create cotton-ball beards, we can gently redirect them towards his character instead of his toy sack.

This way, when kids soon discover that nothing short of time travel can transport a person to that many houses in one night, they’ll have the spirit of Santa to inspire them in new ways.

Before the truth comes out, here are a few areas to focus on…

Emphasize Santa’s Kindness and Hard Work

One day, Santa won’t be landing on powdery-white rooftops. He’ll be a next-door neighbor helping your teenager shovel snow for the shared cul-de-sac. 

Another day soon, Santa won’t be gobbling up cookies on coffee tables. He’ll be volunteering with your family at the food shelter on Christmas Eve.

Santa, in essence, can be anyone who works hard to make a difference. 

The idea is, when we accentuate all the good things Santa does for people around the world, our kids can better comprehend the Christmas spirit: an attitude and moral code that can transcend all religions and traditions. It’s something your slightly older child will really be able to get behind.

In short, it’s never too soon to teach the true meaning of the holidays. When your kids’ visions of Santa and sugar plums are combined with true Christmas spirit, they won’t feel such a loss when the magic fades.

Once our kids understand the true spirit of Santa, it’s also important to…

Abandon Naughty and Nice (and an Emphasis on Material Gifts)

If we want to accentuate the Christmas spirit, it’s also time to deviate from “naughty or nice.” 

While your kids are still young and believers in Santa, consider creating an environment where Santa doesn’t judge. An atmosphere that isn’t about give-and-take. 

Naughty behavior isn’t acceptable around the holidays or any time of year. But that doesn’t mean we should promise gift rewards for commendable behavior — especially when kids are told that Santa and his elves monitor their behavior and actions non-stop. 

Some kids latch on to Santa’s Big Brother tendencies to spy. Although he’s a lovable spy–the white-haired 007 type–it’s still discouraging, especially for kids who struggle with impulse control.

It may be awesome that Santa can do practically anything, but it’s equally intimidating that he can see and hear everything.

This sense of demoralization, especially for children who struggle to make appropriate choices, isn’t going to keep them from acting out less. In fact, it may increase bad behavior. 

And any subsequent good behavior will be carefully calculated on earning back gifts.  

Your kids will think, “If I don’t make Mommy and Daddy mad today, or most of the day tomorrow, I’ll probably still get my favorite gifts on Christmas morning!”

To be fair, it’s not really their fault–kids are practically trained to focus on what Santa will bring them each Christmas. But this sense of rewards, entitlement, and materialism is not what we want them focused on. 

Using gifts as a ploy for good behavior may seem expedient and practical for parents. But it misdirects kids from the true meaning of the holidays. It also creates a power struggle and a scenario in which parents are unlikely to follow through (you’re probably still going to give them presents, aren’t you?). 

It’s far kinder to find other ways to help our kids behave appropriately, and let Santa remain a jolly old elf.

Even after equipping your kids with long-term skills for better behavior, it can still be tough when they learn that Santa had nothing to do with any of it.

If you’re worried your child will feel deceived…

Explore Any Concerns About “Lying”

Sadly, it’s true; some kids are devastated when they read the fine print. They glom onto the fact their parents lied about Santa.

There’s no way to completely control how a child will react when learning who really delivers the presents. However, it’s a less earth-shaking surprise when parents regularly emphasize the tangible, real-world actions that bring Christmas cheer. 

If Santa is the Christmas spirit, and the Christmas spirit is kindness in action, then maybe Santa IS real?

This could be the truth you choose to emphasize all throughout their Santa-believing days.

If you’re uncomfortable with the idea of lying about Santa to your kids, then don’t. Omit more frivolous details, try not to emphasize them, or respond with questions like, “What do the stories say?” or “What do you think?” when your kids ask for answers. And don’t promote Santa at all if it feels disingenuous. 

Instead, consider telling your kids that some parents play a game where they pretend Santa brings presents. Ask if they’d like to play too. 

Teaching kids to love and to give through the concept of Santa Claus is always a choice. It’s your call whether–and how–to do it.

Now that you’ve laid the groundwork for the Santa-believing kid in your life, here are a few ways to gently spill the beans about Santa when the time comes (while still keeping the magic alive). 

1. Emphasize the Freedom of Belief

The world is all the more fascinating with its eclectic traditions. And it’s truly a gift when everyone can celebrate the holidays in their unique, special ways. 

Explaining that traditions and beliefs often vary by family helps kids transition to a new level of understanding of Santa Claus. They’ll learn there is more than one way to look at things. They can determine what they wish to see and what works for them.

But kids also need to understand their beliefs may not be held by others. 

Viewing Santa through a black and white lens can lead to that “belief-system let-down” we prefer to avoid. When other kids present opposing views, or we, as parents, pull back the curtain, we don’t want them to feel misled. 

We want them to feel enlightened.

Reminding our kids that everyone chooses their beliefs–including how they choose to view Santa–leaves room for interpretation, wonder, and possibility.

2. Embody Real Magic

Once their eyes are opened to the truth, it’s easier for kids to let go of Santa when they discover he (or she) is already in the house. 

Our actions and attitudes as parents can make the small things in life special, like focusing on things we’re grateful for and finding beauty everywhere.

Every day should be full of little bits of magic–real magic–and everyday heroism. 

Start with music. Fill your car rides, bath time, and virtual schooling breaks with all the tunes that make your heart happy. Sing along, all year long! We don’t want Santa to be the only magical concept our kids encounter each year. 

Because Santa lives for giving to others, show how you choose to give to others every day. It can be something small, like making cookies for a neighbor or just making dirty dishes disappear. Let your kids learn from your examples and help, too. 

Santa also has a great work ethic. So, illustrate all the wonderful things that come from practice and effort. After a day organizing the house, hang new fairy lights in the living room to show how beautiful it can look. Or, after patiently watching a YouTube video on cake decorating, show your kids how learning something new can be rewarding, pretty, and delicious!  

And because your kids are growing up, one way to spin the Santa conversation in a positive and empowering way is to…

3. Label the New Information “Privileged Knowledge”

Many of us want to keep the idea of Santa alive as long as possible. We like witnessing the magic in our kids’ eyes. We hate to relinquish their innocence to a more complex truth. 

But often, kids learn about Santa way before we’re ready to talk.

Maybe it was know-it-all Aiden telling the kindergarten class the North Pole is just an ocean of shifting ice. Or, your 8-year-old stumbled across the Claus costume in your husband’s corner of the closet.

How you manage interrogations from suddenly upset or curious kids depends on your wishes and beliefs. It could be time to reaffirm your stance, come clean, or simply shift gears. 

But one possible conversation could go like this:

“Lily–I know you’re upset about what Aiden said. While it wasn’t his place to tell you, he wasn’t lying, either. 

Now that you’re old enough, let me share some privileged knowledge with you. 

Santa, in a big way, is always real. He may not glide the globe in a day, have a full-fledged workshop at the North Pole, or fill your stocking on Christmas Eve. But the idea of Santa reminds us all to think of others and to always give.” 

Keep in mind, literal questions like “How can Santa come into our house when we don’t have a chimney?” may indicate your children are ready–and eager–for the truth. They’re likely at a high enough cognitive level to grasp deep, multilayered concepts, and they’ll gain confidence when their questions are respected.

We can always give kids the benefit of the doubt when it comes to their reasoning and their ability to cope with loss–even grief. They can handle it (and you can too).

With a little guidance, they can also handle the responsibility of keeping the truth on the down-low… 

Keep Them From Divulging Santa Intel 

Hopefully, your kids won’t feel the need to broadcast the privileged knowledge you’ve entrusted to them. 

By harboring knowledge they’re now “grown-up enough” to process, they may even feel more important than ever. 

Still, any conversation about Santa can end with a short caveat:

“I have confidence you’ll let your friends and siblings enjoy Santa’s magic a little longer. It was a special time for you, and it’s special for them, too.”

Kids are always encouraged when we express our confidence and faith in them. And they benefit greatly from open communication. 

Regardless, kids might tattle about Santa to feel more important. Or, maybe they’re angry with an uncomfortable new reality. 

We can help by expressing our empathy. The more kids feel validated for their big, complicated feelings, the less they’ll feel like invalidating the feelings of others.

Regular doses of encouragement and positive attention can also lessen any desire to divulge. 

And, especially for younger kids, we can take a few minutes to practice conversations they might have with their friends or siblings, reinforcing how to not spill the beans.

Quite possibly the best way to ensure their lips stay sealed is to…

4. Light the Way to Santa-Hood

Breaking the news about Santa doesn’t need to be sad or negative. Instead, we can think of the realization as a beautiful “aha” moment. 

This fresh, optimistic insight is the chance to pass the torch of kindness and generosity without extinguishing it. And, it’s a great way to counter all the excess and expectation of the holidays. 

This isn’t when childhood has to come crashing down. Instead, it’s when kids realize their parents–the ones who love them the most–are the true givers. It’s when they learn the holidays are about love and altruism–not about expecting, list-making, and judgment. 

And if we want our kids to spread Christmas-like cheer all year long, invite them in to “play Santa” during this holiday season.

Let your older children take a bite out of the Santa cookies your toddler put out. Invite them to stuff stockings for their younger siblings. Encourage them to leave powdered-sugar boot prints on your driveway for Christmas morning. 

Kids will soon catch on that the behaviors they see modeled in Santa Claus, and their own loved ones, are worth emulating–which means they have the power to become the jolly old elf himself.

Final Thoughts

It may feel like letting your kids in on the Santa secret is the end of something magical. But it’s really a wonderful beginning. Take this beautiful opportunity to tell your kids it’s their turn to embody the Christmas spirit. 

It’s not just about passing out gifts on Christmas morning. It’s a special, lifelong chance to spread kindness and joy. And it doesn’t have to be wrapped.

We want them to feel fortunate to be a part of this–the true magic of the season.

You skipped the annual Fourth of July block party and lit a few sparklers with your kids in the backyard instead. 

You spent hours pre-packaging hundreds of individual Halloween candy bags, then took your kids trick-or-treating from a six-foot distance. 

You even taught your great-aunt Susie how to attend your family’s annual Thanksgiving feast via Zoom.

So far, every single holiday this year has looked drastically different than years prior. And now you’ve reached the last in the line. The big one!

Whether Christmas is your thing, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or something else entirely, there’s no denying it. This is a special time of year. One that you look forward to with great anticipation.

Of course, just as with every other holiday so far, this year will be different.

But who says different has to be bad?

Now, more than ever, we need to really embrace the joy that comes so abundantly during the holiday season. Sure, we may have to give fewer hugs, share fewer goodies, and enjoy our families from a larger distance. But that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate!

So strap on your masks, hop on Zoom, wash your hands–do whatever you have to do to get ready. The holidays are here and we have 5 wonderful ways you can make the most of them this year. 

Even during a pandemic…

1. Keep Your Traditions…With Safety in Mind

Does the idea of watching your little one sit on Santa’s lap delivering her Christmas wish list ignite your holiday mood? Does listening to your son’s sweet voice belt out Jingle Bells during his school Christmas pageant make your heart melt? Perhaps nothing says the holidays quite like volunteering with your teens at your local food pantry?

Whatever your favorite holiday tradition may be, chances are it will look different this year. However, don’t put on your Grinch hat so quickly! The holidays are NOT canceled simply because we are in the midst of a pandemic.

You can still keep your favorite holiday traditions. You just need to modify them with safety in mind.

When you really think about it, there are very few things you cannot do as long as you’re willing to put forth the effort and good conscience to make them happen. Besides, when it comes to the best place to be during the holidays, there truly is no place like home.

To get started, here are a few traditions you can enjoy with your family this season…with an added measure of safety:

Go on a Christmas Light Tour

Want to really dive into the festive mood? Take your family on a Christmas lights tour!

Pour some hot cocoa, dole out some cookies, crank up the carols, and drive around your neighborhood admiring all of the beautiful Christmas lights. Not only is this an incredibly easy and inexpensive way to celebrate the holidays, but you’ll be sure to enjoy some much needed time out of the house with those you love most.

Take Part in (COVID-Friendly) Community Service

Even though we are living through a pandemic, the need for community service is as strong as ever. The great thing is, many nonprofits have amended their needs this year to make sure safety is still top of mind.

Try delivering food for Meal-on-Wheels, or clean out your kitchen pantry to take items to a local food bank. You can even adopt a grandparent at a local assisted living facility by writing them letters and calling them on the phone. 

There are plenty of ways for you to still get that warm, fuzzy feeling that comes with holiday service while maintaining your peace of mind.

Treat Your Neighbors

Whether you want to safely share your own homemade goods or purchase them from a store, you can still spread holiday cheer by bringing delicious treats to your friends and neighbors.

As always, show consideration by reaching out first to see if they are comfortable with the gesture. If they give you the go-ahead, you know what to do! 

Through this pandemic, we’ve certainly gotten the hang of doorstep drop-offs, and this doesn’t have to be any different. So package up those goodies, add a pretty bow, and drop them off with a sweet little note. 

You’ll be amazed at how far a simple but sweet act can go.

2. Establish Rules Ahead of Time

At the start of the holiday season, take a moment to sit down with your family and establish your own set of holiday rules. 

A Family Meeting is a great place to do this. Grab some snacks, sit in a comfortable spot, and let the meeting begin. Ask questions like:

• What holiday activities are we comfortable doing as a family this year?

• How many people should we/do we want to invite over?

• Will we be shopping for gifts online this year or making them at home? 

• How and where will family dinner be served?

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members can check out Step 6 for more information on how to host fun, informative, and wildly successful Family Meetings!

Once you’ve posed the questions, give each family member (yes, that includes the kids!) a chance to voice their opinion. The goal is to hold on to the joy of the season while ensuring everyone feels safe and secure.

Take the time to clearly determine your family’s level of comfort during the holidays and then stick to it. It may be tempting to give in to your mother-in-law’s wishes for a big, traditional family Christmas–36 cousins and all–but if that’s something you’ve decided against, stick to your resolve! The holidays will be so much more enjoyable without the added stress of doing something you’re uncomfortable with. 

Note: This is also a great time to take note of your local government’s rules and regulations regarding COVID-19 gatherings and events. You can reach out to your local Department of Health for more details.

3. Take it Virtual

How fortunate are we to live in a time and society where staying connected is so easy to do? 

With technology and applications like Zoom, FaceTime, and Google Meet, distance makes less of an impact. As long as we have Wi-Fi and a smartphone or computer, we can talk to anyone, anywhere, anytime.

So, if traveling to see relatives or hosting out-of-town friends and family is not an option, why not take it online? Sure, your usual family get-togethers of holidays past may have aimed to include less technology, not more, but I think it’s okay to make an exception…just this once.

Here are a few ideas for you:

Host a Virtual Holiday Party!

If this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that there’s very little we cannot do together–even from a distance! If social gatherings, whether at work or at home, are not going to be a part of your holidays this year, consider hosting a virtual party instead. 

Send out party invitations, decorate the space behind your computer, and put on your ugliest (or most beautiful) Christmas sweater! Do whatever you need to do to make your spirits bright.

Because, in the end, the atmosphere may change, but with a little creativity and some wonderful conversation, the party can–and should–go on!

Share Your Family Caroling Online or Outside

Buddy the Elf said it best: “The best way to spread Christmas cheer is by singing loud for all to hear.”

And if singing for others is your favorite way to spread happiness during the holiday season, you shouldn’t let a pandemic stop you. You just have to be creative.

And a bit technologically savvy…

Hop on Facebook or Instagram and make a Live video of you and your family belting your favorite holiday tunes. Or, if going Live is not your thing (hello, stage fright), just pre-record your beautiful caroling and send it out with your family’s holiday e-card. 

And didn’t caroling used to happen outdoors anyway? Some assisted living communities might be grateful for outdoor carolers if you call ahead and set a time for your family or group. Go along with their rules and bundle up as you wave to residents through their windows and spread cheer inside and out.

So whether you take your caroling online or outside, you’ve got options!

4. Manage Your Expectations

If you want to make the most of your holiday season this year, you’ll first have to accept that things will be different than they were before. You may be upset about the upcoming changes, scared, or even a bit angry–and that is perfectly fine! This year has been tough and we’d be doing ourselves no favors if we pretended it wasn’t.

So accept what you’re feeling and grieve it if you need to. Then, manage your expectations for what’s to come.

Start with the knowns…

Family get-togethers may be smaller, budgets may be tighter, and travel plans may be delayed if not canceled. 

Then, focus on the positives…

Smaller family gatherings mean fewer mouths to feed and more quality time together. A tighter gift budget may present the perfect opportunity to teach your kids about giving. And skipping the family road trip or navigating your way through a crowded airport may mean a lot less stress.

Having a clear understanding of what you can expect from the holidays–before they’ve even begun–will ensure you aren’t setting yourself up for disappointment. There’s no need to compare this holiday to any of the ones in the past because this year is different.

And, as I’ve said before, different doesn’t have to be bad.

5. Find Joy in the Little Things

You want to know the best thing about joy? It costs nothing and can be found in the simplest of places!

Start by taking note of all the things you are thankful for this year. You can do this by yourself or as a family; it’s up to you! But I definitely recommend writing them down in a gratitude journal.

What do you have to be thankful for–especially this year? 

Is it more time at home with your family? The chance to get to know your kids a little better? What about your health? Maybe even your financial stability?

Whatever you have to celebrate (big or small), write it down! Because when you write it down, you commit it to memory. And when you remember what you have to celebrate, joy simply falls into place. 

Not only will you become more joyous, but you’ll start to see your kids filled with gratitude, too. And there’s an added bonus that pops up when you instill gratitude in your children–they naturally begin to feel less entitled! 

Now that’s what I call a win-win.

Final Thoughts

There’s no denying it; 2020 was tough! We’ve weathered some pretty rough storms and for many of us, we are merely waiting for the year to end. BUT despite COVID-19, lockdowns, virtual schooling, and more, this can STILL be the most wonderful time of the year! 

Because, as anyone who has taken my proven 7-Step Parenting Success System® course can tell you, a little positivity can transform anything. And I am positive you can enjoy the holidays just as much now as you did before the pandemic.

Who knows?! With the simplicity of the world and the extra time at home, maybe–just maybe–you’ll enjoy them even more.

You’re sitting outside at your mother-in-law’s house, enjoying a cup of coffee as your 18-month-old daughter quietly plays in the garden. 

She’s been perfectly content just smelling the flowers…up until now, that is. 

She digs her little hands into the soil and pulls up a beautiful petunia. 

“No, Sweetie!” you call to her. “Please don’t hurt Grandma’s flowers.”

Her brown eyes meet yours. Normally those sweet eyes are the picture of innocence, but today they darken mischievously. 

She reaches down once more and grasps another flower, ripping it from the earth.

Your jaw drops–you’re speechless! 

You turn to your mother-in-law sitting beside you. Is she laughing? 

“You think that’s bad,” she says. “Just wait until she hits the terrible twos!“

And there you have it. The terrible twos cliché. What parent hasn’t been on the receiving end of this incredibly unhelpful line at some point in time? 

The twos are a time for change, no doubt–a time when your little one starts ping-ponging between a need to rely on you and the desire to test out her own independence. A time when tantrums, mood swings, and attitude become a little more par for the course.

I’ve had countless parents who’ve either taken my FREE PARENTING CLASS or are members of our 7-Step Parenting Success System® course recount their experience with the terrible twos, and I can tell you one thing is constant across the board:

The twos may be a little less sweet and a little more salty. But they definitely do NOT have to be terrible! 

In fact, I guarantee–some of your greatest memories are about to be made. 

I’ll show you how to survive the not-so-fun part of this stage in child development while still cherishing the wonderfully amazing things 2-year-olds bring to the table. 

Because the only truly terrible thing about the dreaded second year? It will end all too soon!

What Drives The Terrible Twos?

Before we get into how you can tame the terrible twos, let’s talk about the driving forces behind the behavior so often attributed to this particular age.

A Need for Attention and Power

Once their physical needs have been met, children are hard-wired to want to fulfill their emotional needs. Specifically, they need to feel a strong sense of belonging and significance in their family. 

In other words, they subconsciously crave our attention and yearn to feel a sense of age-appropriate power and control over their own lives. Of course, this all becomes very apparent during their second year.

Since no child can say, “Hey, I’m feeling a need for your attention,” or “I need to feel in control for a little while,”  it’s our job to proactively meet each of these needs in positive ways. If we don’t, our children will subconsciously resort to less desirable behaviors to get what they want.

When it’s attention they’re seeking, we start to see whining, clinging, and helplessness. When power is what they’re after, that’s where tantrums and meltdowns step in.

Just think about it. As adults, we want to feel in control of our own worlds. Why would our children be any different?

Addressing these needs for attention and power in positive ways will take a significant amount of sting out of the terrible twos right off the bat.

A Lack of Verbal Skills

Around age two, your child’s speech and language development begin to take off at lightning speed. Still, it’s no surprise that while sometimes very chatty, he can be a little hard to understand. 

Sure, he may know how to ask for milk or tell you he loves you, but when it comes to articulating more complex emotions, he is only at the beginning of his learning journey. 

This is why we so often see our little ones act out in bouts of frustration. They just can’t get their point across.

You may see your son kicking and screaming on the kitchen floor and brush it off as another unpleasant side-effect of the terrible twos, but in reality, he wants a different snack and doesn’t know how else to tell you.

Parental Misunderstanding

The terrible twos aren’t just a kid issue. Parents play an equal role in both the good and the bad experiences.

One mistake I often see is labeling a 2-year-old’s desire for independence as “misbehavior,” when in reality, things are much less black-and-white. What may look like willful defiance is more likely her way of testing boundaries and figuring out where she can have a little more power and control.

When we attempt to control or punish this exploratory behavior, this is when the problems truly begin.

As a parent, having a better understanding of what to expect from this age will be beneficial in the long run. When we understand the why behind the tantrums, mood swings, and sass, it’s easier to navigate them in the future.

Now that we know what drives the terrible twos, here are my five tips to help you tame them.

5 Tips to Tame the Terrible Twos

Tip #1: Fill Their Attention Bucket

As I mentioned earlier, children want and need attention and will seek that attention–positive or negative–by any means possible.

Let’s say you’ve had a busy morning of working remotely and finishing up chores around the house. In an effort to get some peace and quiet, you’ve plopped your little guy in front of the TV so you could finish up your tasks.

Then, as soon as you get on your final work call, he comes right on into your office and starts begging for snacks and a new show. 

You try to calm him down through whispers and a promise of going to the park later. 

But nothing works. And there in your office, in the middle of the call, he throws an epic tantrum. 

Once you’re off the call, it may be tempting to scream back at him or threaten punishment, but try not to go down that road.

Why? Because you’d be responding to the behavior with attention. And that tells him next time you’re trying to get work done to do it again.

Attention–even if it’s negative–is what he wants.

Instead, fill his attention bucket proactively in positive ways! You can try…

MIND, BODY AND SOUL TIME® routine

Spend a designated amount of time each day with your child one-on-one. This doesn’t have to be long–just 10 minutes will do the trick–but it should be special and he should pick the activity. 

Then, label it!

“I just LOVE our Mommy and Son time each day.”

Let him pick out his favorite book for you to read him. Grab some coloring pages and make art together. Go on a nature walk. The possibilities are endless.

Not only will you relish the extra bit of quality time you get with him, you’ll also start to notice his behavior change for the better.

And in the example above, it would be even better to have your special time BEFORE you sit down to get your work done to prevent any future interruptions.

When you fill his need for attention in positive ways, you’re sure to see more positive behavior as a result. Yes, even from a 2-year-old!

Use Encouraging Phrases

There’s a difference between praise and words of encouragement. Unfortunately, a lot of well-meaning parents often get them confused.

When your daughter picks up all of her toys without arguing, it may feel natural to tell her, “I’m so proud of you for cleaning up!” 

But you know what would be even better? Encouragement!

Try saying, “Look at how clean you made the floor! You must feel so proud of your hard work.”

By using encouraging phrases instead of praise, you focus on the deed, not the doer. This allows her to learn self-motivation and to seek less validation from others.

This supportive language will also give your daughter a huge boost of positive attention. She’ll be encouraged to continue the good behavior. 

Pro Tip: Positive Parenting Solutions® Members, review step 2 of the 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program for more encouraging phrases to use with your child.

Engage in Conversation

There’s nothing quite as stimulating as good conversation. The feeling of getting something off your chest and being heard can mean the difference between a good day and a bad one.

Believe it or not, 2-year-olds feel the same way. Perhaps even more so!

So, show some interest and engage them in conversation. 

You may ask, “What was your favorite thing you did at daycare today?” or “What book do you want to read for story time today?”

This is not only a fast and efficient way to fill their attention bucket, but you’ll be sure to learn a few new things about your child that you wouldn’t have known without taking the time to ask…and listen.

Tip #2: Fill Their Power Bucket

When it comes to toddler behavior, providing positive attention is important but goes hand-in-hand with providing positive power. Your child is not a baby anymore and wants to do more for himself, but he still has trouble letting you know that.

Just as you need to fill his attention bucket, you’ll need to meet his need for positive power.

One of the best ways you can do that is to create what we call a Decision-Rich Environment.

This useful tool is so easy to use and makes a powerful impact. Simply take a moment and think about the everyday routine the two of you share. Then, ask yourself how you can relinquish a little power and control.

At age two, this may be allowing him to choose between his blue sneakers or his red sandals. Does he want oatmeal or cereal for breakfast? Should you take a trip to the park before nap or after?

Believe it or not, allowing your child to make these little (but significant!) decisions throughout the day is going to give him a big hit of positive power, which will then reduce the amount of negative behavior you see through various power struggles.

Now is the time to embrace his growing need for independence and work with it–not against it! I know for parents this can be hard. After all, don’t you want to help your kids as much as possible?

But really, by stepping back and handing over the reins a little bit, you actually are helping them. It may take some practice, but over time you’ll notice many positive improvements.

Tip #3: Take Time for Training

Maybe you dread taking your 2-year-old to the grocery store because you know how she acts out in the checkout line. Or perhaps you worry about going to playdates because she always throws a fit when you say it’s time to go.

Whatever the case may be, I completely understand your frustration–and your fear! That’s why I urge you to Take Time for Training.

Not only do little ones thrive on routine, but they also benefit from having a clear understanding of what to expect before doing it. 

Wherever you may be going–the grocery store, doctor, church–make sure to spend a little time beforehand talking about what they can expect AND what you expect of them.

“Today we are going to the store just for milk. We will not be getting any sugary treats during this visit. I know you can stay calm even though we won’t get a treat.”

When you take time for training, you’re setting out to instruct your child on how she should behave in a particular setting. After all, she’ll never understand the right way to act if you don’t teach her first!

One great way to do this is to role-play. Act out what a good trip to the store would look like and make it fun and engaging. Then swap roles, letting her be the parent and you the child (kids LOVE this).

Keep in mind, this takes time and consistency. Stick to the course and soon enough you’ll see great results each time you go out.

Tip #4: Know Their Triggers

Just like adults, kids have triggers for their less-than-ideal behaviors. 

It’s amazing how many times we brush off behavior as simply another unpleasant side effect of the terrible twos, when there is actually a very rational–and easily avoidable–reason behind it.

Does your son get cranky when he misses his afternoon nap? Does he throw a fit when he’s hungry? Bored? 

Fortunately, we know our children better than anyone else. And with just a bit of foresight and planning, we have the ability to control the outcome by avoiding these triggers all together.

If hunger is an issue–or should I say hanger–be sure to have a couple of healthy snacks on hand whenever you go out. 

Schedule playdates, appointments, and outings around nap time. 

And if you know boredom is going to be an issue, try and bring along a small book, some coloring pages, or a small toy to help your little one pass the time.

Tip #5: Shift Your Thinking

Although they have a few years under their belts, the truth is, 2-year-olds are just getting started on a long journey toward understanding how to behave properly in different situations. Up until now, you’ve done everything for them, but things are starting to change!

With a growing need for independence, they’re already learning what it’s like to make their own way in the world.

Of course, so often parents end up losing their cool when their toddler goes off the rails. Do they not understand that screaming, crying, and hitting are only going to get them in trouble?

Actually, no. They really don’t understand. Not yet anyway.

It’s your job to teach them.

This is where a shift in your own thinking is going to make a world of difference in how you view your 2-year-old’s behavior. That and a tremendous amount of grace.

Because your daughter isn’t a bad kid for throwing a tantrum when you told her it was time to leave the park. She’s not bratty or ungrateful whenever she forgets to say please or thank you.

She’s simply a little person trying her best who hasn’t acquired the tools to handle the situation properly.

So shift your thinking when it comes to your child’s terrible twos behavior and show her a little compassion. You’ll be amazed at how changing your own reaction will lead to better behavior.

Final Thoughts

Tantrums, power struggles, attitude, and sass are terrible! But the twos definitely do not have to fall into that category.

I want to encourage you to shift your thinking on this particular point in your child’s life and not give in to the doom-and-gloom warnings that seem to come from every well-meaning relative, friend, or stranger.

And please, don’t hesitate to try out my FREE WEBINAR to see if the 7-Step Parenting Success System® online training program is right for you. Along with these 5 Tips for Taming the Terrible Twos, you’ll be sure to find that the twos are not terrible at all, actually.

They’re TERRIFIC!