Parents vs. Grandparents: Parenting Clashes When Generations Collide
Grandchildren are nature’s reward for surviving your own children.
If you’ve ever heard that old saying, there’s a good chance it gave you a knowing chuckle.
Maybe you are a grandparent and understand just how true this is. Or perhaps you’re parenting your own kids, desperately grasping the hope that one day it will all be worth it!
Whether you’re a grandparent yourself or still in the thick of parenting, we can all agree that actively involved grandparents serve a unique role in families. In fact, research shows that 9 out of 10 adults believe their grandparents influenced their values and behaviors.
However, a growing trend threatens to undermine the special role of grandparents – disagreements over parenting styles and choices.
Roughly 42% of parents admit to limiting the time their children spend with their grandparents when the grandparents don’t follow their preferred parenting approach.
So what’s really at the heart of these family tensions? Is it just a matter of grandparents sneaking an extra cookie to the kids, or is there something deeper causing these generational rifts?
Let’s examine what’s really driving these tensions and how families can bridge the divide without compromising their core values.
Most Common Issues Behind Family Tension
Today’s parents are the most informed parents in history. In this digital age, access to parenting information is more convenient than ever, with resources like parenting blogs, podcasts, online courses, and other online forums a few swift clicks of a keypad away.
As a result, modern parents are seeking guidance online rather than turning to more traditional sources like their own parents — which can lead the grandparents to feel that their advice and experience aren’t valued.
Still, we’re also seeing an overwhelming trend in which parents feel their parenting choices are often undermined by the grandparents.
These clashes are especially prevalent in hot-button areas like screen time, daily routines, discipline, and food choices.
Most families agree that it’s a natural rite of passage for grandparents to spoil their grandkids to some extent — maybe a little extra screen time, staying up past bedtime, more relaxed house rules, and extra sweets before dinner.
But what happens when screen time limits get pushed to allow PG-13 when only PG movies are permitted?
When staying up 30 minutes past their bedtime turns into three hours?
When lax discipline turns to no discipline at all?
When a birthday gift becomes a mountain of toys despite parents’ requests to scale back?
Or when offering extra sweets before dinner turns into disregarding food allergies?
Unfortunately, the line between loving indulgence and undermining parental authority is deeply nuanced and varies from family to family, When grandparents and parents clash over these boundaries, it strains not just their own relationship, but the entire family dynamic–affecting everything from weekly visits to holiday celebrations.
The question is, why?
(Even Snoop Dogg weighed in on this!)
Generational Differences in Parenting Styles
Every generation has its own unique parenting style — shaped by their own experiences and the world around them.
While the Greatest Generation weathered tough times, passing on a “survive and prosper” attitude to their children, Baby Boomers approached parenting with a stronger desire to give their children a good life, especially when it came to attending college.
Generation X parents were among the first to abandon authoritarian discipline, widely embracing parenting experts and child development research. Meanwhile, Millennials continued to be the generation to fully embrace a more positive parenting approach.
These generational shifts have reshaped not just parenting philosophies but also core beliefs about childhood. While each generation has aimed to improve upon its own upbringing, the changes have created unexpected tension.
When today’s parents choose different approaches than their parents used, grandparents often view this as a criticism of their efforts — as if their years of loving sacrifice and careful choices are being dismissed as outdated or inadequate.
What feels like a personal parenting choice to one generation can feel like a painful rejection to another, leading to that all-too-familiar refrain:
“I know what I’m doing. I raised you, and you turned out alright, didn’t you?”
While that may be true, we know that as time marches on, we learn, grow, and do better.
Today’s parents aren’t rejecting their parent’s approaches because they were wrong or bad parents (not even a little!) — they are building on their foundation with new strategies and research-based information on child development and emotional well-being to help guide their parenting decisions.
In essence, with new information comes new approaches.
Now that we know the generational roots behind these parent-grandparent clashes, let’s examine the common conflicts we see in families and explore how families can chart a path forward together while honoring both wisdom and progress.
Grandparents and the Right to Spoil
Have grandparents earned the right to spoil their grandchildren?
The answer is YES … after logging countless parenting hours, grandparents certainly deserve some latitude in their new role.
But…we have to flip the script on what spoiling is and is not.
Let’s start with what spoiling is NOT.
Spoiling is not disregarding the rules and routines that parents have in place, and instead:
- Letting kids stay up way too late
- Allowing food they shouldn’t eat (or ignoring food allergies altogether)
- Ignoring technology limits (too much tech time or no supervision over the sites they are accessing)
- Lavishing them with gifts when the parents have specifically asked you not to.
These indulgences don’t strengthen the special bond between grandparents and grandchildren–instead, they breed entitlement and undermine parents’ authority.
When kids learn that rules don’t apply at Grandma’s house, they question those boundaries everywhere. This not only makes parenting harder but also confuses children about expectations and values and erodes the trust between parents and grandparents.
Message to grandparents: You don’t have to break the rules to be the hero in your grandkids’ eyes.
Now, let’s discuss what spoiling SHOULD BE!
“Spoiling” should be about time with you and making memories!
Your grandchildren want nothing more than your undivided time and attention. In the crazy pace of family life today, what a gift to be the center of another adult’s attention!
Spending time together — playing games, having adventures — is the best way to spoil a grandchild. (Bonus points if you do something fun the parents don’t have time to do themselves.)
Plus, this is a mutually beneficial relationship because you are helping the parents at the same time!
Grandparents and grandkids benefit from fostering strong emotional bonds that boost their physical and mental well-being. And parents gain invaluable allies in the journey of raising children.
This kind of support — enriching their grandchildren’s lives while respecting boundaries — doesn’t just strengthen family connections; it helps parents shoulder the daily challenges of parenthood.
So, do grandparents have the right to spoil?
Absolutely–but the magic lies in how they do it. When quality time and cherished memories become the ultimate indulgence, everybody wins.
Unsolicited Advice and Sharing Wisdom (Without Overstepping)
Grandparents have so much to offer–including both love and wisdom.
But even the most valuable advice needs the right moment. Before sharing their insights, grandparents must show they’re firmly on the same team as their adult children. And above all else, collaboration–not confrontation–should be at the heart of every conversation.
So how can grandparents do that?
Follow the parents’ lead! Read the same books, take the same parenting courses, and follow the same methodologies. Ask about their preferences for gifts and special treats. Show an interest in their parenting style by attending pediatrician appointments, school PTO meetings, etc., Actions speak louder than words, and these intentional steps indicate that collaboration is at the heart of the relationship.
When parents feel supported and that grandparents are on their team, they will be much more receptive to suggestions.
And when it’s time to actually share advice, grandparents should lead with empathy and curiosity rather than simply telling them what to do.
I remember how hard those long nights were when you were little. What does current research say about sleep training?
Then, they can follow it up with an offer of support rather than just solutions.
I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time potty training. Is there anything I can do to help?
Parents genuinely appreciate guidance from their own parents, but how that advice is delivered is crucial. Advice tinged with judgment will instantly close down communication and eliminate any willingness to listen or collaborate.
In the end, when grandparents work to understand new ideas, parents work to keep those lines of communication open and flowing.
Finding the Balance: Seasonal Grandparents vs. Year-Round Grandparents
You may wonder… are these hard and fast rules for all grandparents? What about those who don’t get to visit very often?
The dynamics of grandparenting often differ between “Seasonal Grandparents” and “Year-Round Grandparents.” In other words, grandparents who visit occasionally and those who are more actively involved all year.
When visits are infrequent, long-distance grandparents can prioritize joy and connection with their grandkids as long as they adhere to critical routines and the parents’ non-negotiable rules.
With so little time to spend together, time with seasonal grandparents can be jam-packed with fun. If Grandma wants to take them on a trip to the ice cream parlor for breakfast or Grandpa and grandkids enjoy a lucrative stroll through the toy aisle at Target, no harm is done. But lots of joy and memories are being made.
But, for grandparents who are regularly present in a child’s life, staying aligned with the parents’ regular routines and parenting approaches is essential.
Following the parents’ established routines isn’t just about rules–it’s about creating a stable, predictable environment for the children. Diverging from established rules undermines parents and teaches kids that rules aren’t really rules.
And for grandparents who regularly babysit? One thing is for sure: no other caregiver will love your kids as much as a grandparent! But the rules still need to be followed.
If grandparents resist this, parents can gently remind them of the WHY behind their parenting choices, emphasizing the non-negotiables (like health and safety concerns).
However, if grandparents consistently disregard these essential boundaries, parents may need to consider alternative childcare arrangements. This is a difficult decision (and one that will cause emotional distress), but the children’s health and well-being must be the priority over convenience.
Psst! Year-Round Grandparents! Want also to enjoy the same magical memory-making Seasonal Grandparents do? Consider treating your grandkids to a Yes Day!
Final Thoughts
Grandparents can be a parent’s best resource along the journey of parenthood.
But one thing is sure: when unity and respect exist in the grandparent-parent-grandchild dynamic, all parties win!
Grandparents should have some leeway without feeling like they’re being micromanaged.
Parents should feel as though their boundaries are being respected.
Children should feel loved all around!
The family bond thrives when everyone feels valued, heard, and supported!
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